Cahms suggested for my very unhappy DS aged 8. Unsure what to do.

[amateurmum]

My ds, aged 8 is very anxious and unhappy. Most days he is panicky, nervous and sad - crying and displaying very poor behaviour.

This has been going on for about 4 weeks but he had a previous, similar episode about a year ago which lasted several months.

There does not seem to be a trigger and ds himself cannot identify one.

Last night was particularly bad with ds telling me he couldn't bear his feelings any longer and wanted to 'not exist'.

Despite fierce resistance from dh who thinks that we should manage this within the family, I took him to the Dr today. She feels that he may have a generalised anxiety disorder and wants to refer him to CAHMS. I don't really know what this will entail and need details in order to convince dh (and myself) that this is the right way forward.

I would be extremely grateful for advice from anyone with similar experiences or who works in this field - am desperate to do the right thing as this is very distressing for the whole family.

The experience I had was that I had an appointment with Ds and CAMHs first time, then Ds saw her alone. It does make sense actually as Dc's don't(usually)open up when a parent is there iyswim? they are more likely to let the problems pour out(after a while)when you are not there. I found out lots of things, simple things like Ds wanted to walk to school and back alone and I was being a bit over protective and not allowing him. I relaxed(slightly)and he started on his own...I wouldn't have known it was such an issue on my own.

Now I sound like a very over-protective mother. Honestly, would not have a problem with ds talking to someone else alone - although that would be a huge step for him at the moment.

I think I just feel very anxious about the whole situation. I desperately don't want to get it wrong. However, dh's concerns make me even more worried because I feel as if it will be MY decision, MY responsibility and any mistakes will be my fault because we are not in agreement.

Now definitely going to bed or will be no use to children, work or dh tomorrow. Thanks again - I may be posting again when I know more.

You will probably find that it wont matter if your Ds does just sit there. My own Ds did some drawing and rearranged some kind of modern art in the office; I don't think he talked all the time(which makes a change). I don't think it matters if nothing is said, but slowly, he may open up.
I made a huge mistake and wanted to know from Ds what he'd been saying as I think I was worried I was going to be branded a terrible parent and in hind sight, I should've kept my mouth shut. It's difficult when all you want is for your child to be healthy and happy.

amateurmum, you sound like a very loving, thoughtful and concerned mother who is determined to do the right thing for her son but recognises that the family needs to hold together and all feel comfortable with the way forward.

I wish you all the very best of luck. Please do let us know how you get on.

Sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone and accept outside and professional help.

Had similar experience to some of the other posters: dd did see the professional first with me and then without me. It was easier for her to open up when I wasn't there and I made a deliberate effort not to question her. And no, they didn't hand back some alien to me: she was still my dd and our relationship has come to no harm. It was easier for me though, as dh and I had very much the same attitude.

I always remember my mum who suffered from anxiety on and off throughout my childhood, but was very much of the generation that would feel totally stigmatised by ever seeking help. The only result was that the family had to deal with it, in our blundering way, and that wasn't such a good solution. I honestly don't think my dad made things better, though he loved her dearly and desperately wanted to help. He just didn't know how. As for me- not really the job for a teenager.

I think as a family, you often cannot help, however good and loving you are, because you are too close, you care too much, and the other person is too afraid of hurting you.

Good luck, amateurmum. You sound a very caring mum and wife. It will all work out and things will get better.

I spoke to dh at length last night and we decided to accept the referral to CAHMS.

Also, ds had a much better day yesterday so I'm generally feeling more positive about the situation.

Thanks to everyone who replied - you really gave me courage to address this issue - and it wasn't as difficult to persuade dh as I expected.

Excellent! and good luck with getting Ds feeling much happier all round

Hi amateurmum. My ds2(9) is going to cahms in 10 days for his first appointment. He sounds much like your ds. He sometimes sinks into a mini black hole where all his worries overwhelm him. A few weeks ago he mentioned to a friend's dad that he wanted to die. I decided to do something.

I saw the senco at school. She is lovely and had a long chat with ds2 and then with us. She suggested referring him to cahms and we went with that. His mood has improved and of course I am now worrying that we'll be wasting their time. However, I know that these moods come and go. He is a huge worrier and when in a hole his worries will go from worrying about homework, to worrying about there not being enough water in Afghanistan to worrying about being homeless when he's older. He also questioned whether we loved him or not, which was hard to hear, but we reassured him that of course we do.

Last night we watched a bit of sport relief and he focussed on the malaria topic and the nets and whether a baby mosquito ould fit through the mesh etc.. He will always find something to worry about.

I'm glad your dh has come round and I'm sure you're doing the right thing for your ds. Ds2 is actually looking forward to his initial assessment meeting in 10 days!

Does it sound like an age theme here to anyone else? 8/9 yo. My Ds is quite sensitive and quietly worries too.

Hi, I work in Teir 4 Mental Health and a lot of the time children have less trouble with talking to a stranger about their feelings than you would expect - this may be the case with your child especially if they think their father will not believe them. They often won't open up to you as they have an inbuilt fear of upsetting or disappointing you - there are loads of reasons but it is not a bad thing for your child to see a professional clinician on their own sometimes.

If your child is under the age of consent you will be given copies of all assessments they do and will be asked for your agreement before they are done.

Often when kids come in it is the dad's who are more against them having outside help for some reason, whether they see it as not being able to handle and fix their child or a stigma or even just because they don't empathise as much on a caring level, I don't know but it is normal.

schilke - I hope your ds has a positive appointment at cahms. Like your son, ds also has better periods when his mood is up.

solo - the age is interesting. I would have imagined that these type of problems were more likely to occur when children are a bit older.

I know I keep saying this but thank-you for your replies. I can't believe how much better this thread has made me feel and therefore more able to cope with the situation. I was a bit of a mumsnet sceptic - hadn't posted for a long time - but it really is like talking to a friend.