I think DD has Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. I know it's too late but what can I do?

[LollyWillows]

Name changed, obviously.

I drank too much when I was preganant. I cant excuse myself, I was a negligent idiot. I have regretted it every day of DDs life, including when I was carrying her. All I can say is that I was depressed, in a terribly unhappy and quite abusive relationship, didn't know whether I was doing the right thing, my family were hostile, and I was stupid. There's a history of alcoholism in my family and I did what we have always done - hit the bottle. Not in huge quantities - perhaps a couple of glasses of wine most days, sometimes more, often less. But anyway, far more than I should have done. And there it is. I was stupid, and I loathe myself for it.

DD is now 7. She was an early talker, and quite articulate by the time she was 2 or 3, but always vague, slow, lacking in concentration.

Her memory is appalling, and she seems to have major problems with learning.

Her reading is starting to come together, but she is still on books that some of her classmates were reading when the were in reception. She doesn't "get" phonics, so can't really write - she just scrawls out ramdon letters if she's not being supervised and helped one to one. She doesn't understand the concept of maths at all. Her teacher has referred her for some sort of maths assessment to try & work out what's going on.

Socially, she's popular, but lacking confidence. She ends up with much stronger characters, and the relationships become quite toxic. Stronger children seem to take advantage of her weakness. Her best friend left school at christmas, and although they still see each other once a week, she doesn't have a really close buddy at school and she seems lost.

Facially, she doesn't look like a FAS child - in fact she is beautiful, and I think that will help her when she's older, poor thing. However, she is slightly more petite (but not dramatically so)than the other girls in her class, and she's thought of as "the smallest one". She seems a bit unco-ordinated and not very strong.

She's on the SEN register at school , but nothing particualrly constructive seems to be happening. I asked her teacher the other day whether she thinks DD has an "organic" problem - she didn't want to be drawn into the conversation (understandably).

So what can I do? I feel so horribly churned up with guilt, distress at seeing my lovely girl struggling because of my stupidity, and a desperate need to try to help her. But I don't know where to start.

In fact, it's taken me two years of silently fretting to face up to posting this on here

So please, can anyone offer any advice?

(I know I deserve a roasting on here and I'm happy to take it)

I don't think you deserve a roasting either but it does sound like you are blaming yourself (quite wrongly from what I've read). I'll bet my life that there are a great many 'syndromes' your DD could fit into as well in fact I could name one but I really don't think the drinking you did in pregnancy was enough to damage your unborn baby.

My DS was extremely late to read (older than 7) but once he got it boy did he 'get it'. He rapidly overtook his classmates who had been reading for years. He also had real problems with his writing which have now been diagnosed as dysgraphia and he also has Aspergers and dyspraxia. Dyspraxia in particular meant he was slow to learn several motor skills but he did learn them eventually.

To put FAS into perspective, it was only a couple of decades ago that GP's were telling mothers that the main problem with drinking while pregnant was the risk of falling over and reccommended that mums drank a pint of guiness every morning to keep their iron levels up. I'm amazed that most of my generation don't have FAS. Anyway if your child had FAS you'd see it in their face surely?

I think that its possible for a child with FAS to have no distinct facial features.

What does strike me as surprising though is the OP says that her daughter was an early talker and was articulate at a young age. This doesn't strike me as being a global learning difficulty.

I maybe that the OP is just serverely dyslexic rather than anything to do with excessive drinking. Ie. The child would have had problems whether LollyWillows drank or not.

My son had developmental delays as a toddler, inspite of me being tea total during pregnancy. He is fine now, but at the time I beat myself up horribly. Sometimes sh!t happens, to the best of mothers. Life can be very cruel.

Rather than worrying about the past its best to look to the future to make sure your daughter gets the best education possible. Ie. maybe you should talk to the school's senco and get an educational psych / community paediatrian involvement.

Lolly, if there is a history of alcoholism in your family, you are very likely doing the family member 'thing' and beating yourself up about someone else's behaviour...iyswim. Two years is such a long time to beat yourself up about something that probably isn't your fault in the first place, please don't anymore .

The amount you drank doesn't sound sufficient to cause FAS, but I am not a doctor, and don't know what factors other than alcohol volume (ie individual child) play a part, if any. I think it would be great for you to be able to run your worries past a (trusted, knowledgeable) GP and talk about it openly. Think what a weight you might have off your mind...

What sounds even more to the point is getting the right support for your dd, and for you, with the issues she has. If nothing constructive is happening at school, thats a problem - and if there was more focus on the solution, maybe it would be easier for you to let go of focussing on who/what caused the problem?

As for roasting, lordy me, no; now that does sound like a person who grew up with alcoholism in the family talking

first of all I would say get yourself some counselling, it can eat away at you these feelings of guilt.

as for sen. There are many strategies that can help. Maths assesment might show up some dyslexia with numbers. Make sure you get all the help you can from the school

RT and OP, my DD was an early walker/talker but now has dyspraxic type issues (mostly propreception based) and at 9 cannot ride a bike, struggles at sport (particularly hitting ball type ones), memory/sequencing is poor and has only just learnt to tie her laces.

My DS has severe SN, in the early days I was always being asked how much I drank whilst pregnant.

I am teetotal (due to alcholic mother).

Can I just add - no medical opinion here - but Leonardo da Vinci's mother would almost certainly not have drunk anything in pregnancy that wasn't unpasteurised milk or brewed/fermented.

Apparently the incidence of FAS in alcoholics is lower than you would expect, and yet you hear of FAS in children of women who had one glass of champagne during pregnancy. This suggests to me that it's not so much what you drink, but your body's reaction to it.

Don't assume it's FAS, just because you had a couple of glasses. What you describe could just be perfectly normal development - my own DS is missing a few developmental whatsits at the moment, just because he's away with the fairies most of the time. I'm just waiting/hoping that the concentration will come with time.

And listen to MarmaduleScarlet (one of my favourite MN names) - if you need some more perspective

I also think that the condition named FAS is actually something which has more to do with genetics than maternal behaviour: some hopelessly alcoholic women give birth to babies who do not have FAS, and some babies are born with symptoms that are labelled FAS even though their mothers drank half a glass of sherry on one occasion during the entire pregnancy. It is true that babies born to alcoholics may have problems, but these problems may be due as much to malnutrition (because alcoholics don't always eat properly) and lack of health care (because severe alcholics don't go to antenatal appointments) and indeed poverty (homeless alcoholics may become pregnant and give birth) so many statistics on the subject are very skewed.

Wow, so many more responses! Thanks so much.

I am really reassured and comforted by all the fantastic advice and support here. You are a wonderful bunch

Lolly if it makes you feel better I drank one or two glasses of wine most nights when pregnant with DS1.

My brother died unexpectedly quite close to the time I got pregnant, and drinking was my escape route.
DS1 is fine, a bright little boy.
Hope the good advice on here has made you feel a bit better, agree with Moondog about the "syndrome" label, would try and avoid it if you can.