Smoking round children, what is acceptable what isnt?

[cba]

my two boys stayed at my inlaws a couple of nights ago, both are smokers. They both know how we feel about smoking round children and we have had many arguments about it.

Anyway boys are now 8 and 5, they wanted to stay over and generally we think it is a lovely thing for everyone.

When i picked boys up they stunk of smoke. When I went into the kitchen mil was stood there cigarette in the ashtray smoking away.

When I unpacked pj's they also smelt of smoke. ds1 said fil went outside to smoke but mil didnt.

Now I know it is there house but it was inlaws who are desperate to have them stay over and it was the first time the boys said they would. Is it unreasonable to expect mil to at least have the back door open and stand next to it to smoke?

Have left this with dh as I feel it is up to him to deal with it. I have tried dealing with mil before but she justs starte slagging me off and being nasty.

What do you think? Are any of you in the same position? What do you do? Am I being precious?

I dont think it is ever acceptable in doors.

oh thank you noo, i thought it was just me. I get accused of being a school teacher and that I am over the top.

smoking i n the kitchen is vile, anyway. I don't smoke, dh does, and he stands outside to smoke, and stinks when he comes back in.

smoke smells really seem much stronger if you don't smoke youself, imo.

If it was me then it may be the last time they stay over????

A shame I know, but.........

twoluvykids, yes it is vile to smoke in the kitchen. But I have seen a home video of mil strapping bil into his car seats in the 80's with a fag hanging out of her mouth?

I am fighting a losing battle. Would you stop kids sleeping?

You are not being precious at all - even though it's their house it is totally unreasonable of them to smoke in the house with your children there. TBH, I would be livid that they didn't have enough respect for their grandsons' health to smoke in the garden for a couple of days.

I am vehemently anti-smoking so may be extreme in this but I wouldn't let my DS stay over in a house where people smoked inside. On the other hand, no-one DS would be likely to stay with does smoke so I accept that it's easy for me to say that! I do feel for you - must be hard since they're your in-laws - but I would be inclined to put your foot down about it.

girlandboy you beat me to it.

slayerette, thank you. I am leaving dh to deal with it. If they ask again for the boys to go then I will say ok but could you smoke in the garden.

But, i know once they are in bed they will smoke anyway.

pil have asked for dd who is three to stay over, no way it that one happening.

Hi cba, I can totally sympathise with your dilemma. My mother is a heavy smoker and knows we do not approve of her smoking around dd. She makes a big effort when we visit her not to smoke in the house but the house smells strongly of smoke and we always stink when we leave after a visit. My dd is only 2 and has asthma so there is no way she could stay over at my parent's house. It is sad as dd loves her granny and grandad but if my mother is not prepared to quit then it has to be this way. Also it is difficult when my mother visits us as we have asked her to smoke outside. She complies with this until bedtime comes but she always ends up having a smoke in the spare room. It drives me mad.

I know smokers who refuse to smoke in the house (sans kids) because they know it's horrible. It would be a deal breaker for me. In fact I am so anti-smoking I don't know what I would do if any friends or family we saw regularly were smokers.

suiledom, it is a nightmare isnt it. I get really pissed off them with too.

I smoke myself, but I think you would be well within your rights to have your DH say the kids can't stay again if the ILs don't both smoke outside. They might think you are being precious, but you hold the cards here. Personally, if I felt really strongly about something to do with my kids' health or safety, I'd expect grandparents to back me up even if they disagreed. Approaches can differ on less important issues, but if smoking is a dealbreaker to you, they should suck it up or not have the kids to stay.

it is so difficult, bitoffun, i do not agree with smoking around young children but i do not want gparent and children to miss out.

I just feel that if I let it go once a month or something i am going against my principle and it will just let the floodgates open on other things with them.

Just make the stand now, hard though it is, or you'll feel stressed every time the dcs stay. If you think your DH can be firm but calm, it wont necessarily be a big confrontation. I think men are often better at these kind of conversations because they aren't such natural "people pleasers" as women, and tend not to couch these things as a request. I hope that's the case anyway, good luck with it!

It's not just the house either. It affects everything that comes out of the house. My mother is an excellent knitter and makes lovely baby things but it takes so many washes to get the smell out it hardly seems worth it. Once we left the rain cover for dd's buggy at my parent's by mistake. By the time we retrived it the smell of smoke was awful. Took a lot of effort to get it clean and it's made of plastic ffs. Can you imagine what the smoke does to the dc's lungs? I try to be understanding as I know it's an addiction and she has tried many times to quit but in recent years she is just not bothered.

thanks ladies, just hope dh dosent back down. Dont think he will, but we will see. Is it worth having such an issue for maybe once a month? But, I know I will be really angry each time I pick up and I dont want to ultimately lose my temper.

i wouldn't let them stay and tbh i wouldn't go often if it stinks of smoke.

i dont go often, prob once a month for an hour or so.

mil dosent like coming to our house as I wont let them smoke inside. Yet, she has just asked if I will cook christmas lunch for everyone!! Think she has very thick skin.

bitoffun, just looked at your dh art work. It is fantastic and you look gorgeous. Can he paint from photographs!

If they were my children they wouldn't be staying over again. You made it clear how you feel, they disregarded your feelings. What they are doing is very selfish as yes - fine for them to ruin their own health, but why should they inflict it on anyone else?!

Cba, thanks! He does work from photographs mainly, I guess because he couldn't get me or anyone else to prance around in scanties long enough to paint it, lol!

We had a similar problem. My DH parents smoke and his brother died of a cot death. They still smoke and when our baby was born this year my husband told them they couldn't hold our baby until they gave up, and they could only visit at our house, as their house was smoke danaged. They gave up!

cba - do your inlaws have smoke alarms fitted. TBH, I would be terrified of my DC's sleeping at a smokers house becuase of the increased fire risk.

lynette, you are so right. bil is still young and is not the most sensible. I am sure they do have smoke alarms and carbon monoxide alarms but will double check. To be honest dont think it will be happening again.

golidlocks, well done to your dh. my inlawa would not give up even if they couldnt see there grandchildren