I have written some things in this post that may be upsetting for parents to read, about the treatment of cancer. Please don't read this if you will become upset.
I remember Ade Edmondson being interviewed about Jennifer Saunders having breast cancer, and saying it's not like a 'roller coaster' of pain and emotion, it's a kind of long lasting, endless drag of misery. I am totally changing exact word useage, but it's that kind of thing!
Here: "Ade Edmondson wants to get something off his chest. No one, he says, 'battles' cancer. Neither is it 'a rollercoaster ride'. 'It's just a long, slow, miserable grind,' and he wants me to quote him on that verbatim."
That is so true, and I am expecting the repurcussions of treatment to continue this kind of worry and upset long into the future. I just hope that as she gets older, it does become easier. But, I bet, it will still rear it's head on a regular basis. My mum's friend is 2 years off treatment for breast cancer. One little thing happened, and the site of where she's had radiotherapy on her breast flared up quickly with infection. Another, she said, reminder that it will be with you forever.
I won't lie, I think we are destined to spend the rest of our lives hoping our DC are clear of this thing. We are pumping so much toxic shite into them to stop them from being killed by something that would have killed them, but not being completely aware of what the result of that will be. Will their organs be okay? Will their bones be okay? Will their fertility be okay? Will they get cancer later? We have to blindly follow as it is a case of do or die, but the 'do' could also kill them. The whole thing is horrific, and brutal, and so, so, so unfair.
Nobody can help either. I think the parents have to create this illusion of strength for their children, whilst our minds rattle through all of the potential outcomes. Other people will always say the wrong thing/be futile/ etc as they have no idea what you are going through. How many of them have had to hold their baby down whilst they try and find yet another vein for a cannula, and have to give up on the arms because they are too brusied, so go for legs instead? How many of them have had to sit up all night with a sick bowl, stroking their child's back as they vomit and vomit? How many of them have had to hold their teenage daughter close as she pulls handfuls of her own hair out? How many have had to watch their 2 year old be heavily sedated so they can be put on a machine that removes the stem cells from their blood? Lumbar punctures? Bone marrows? Brain surgery? Organ failure? Serious infection? ICU? Even, the first time you see your child go under anaesthetic, knowing that this is serious, and they look so little on the table?
The closest I came to real understanding was a colleague at work when she said to me her daughter (3) had been taken into hospital for the weekend. It was a minor thing. She said she was worried sick, awake all night, felt ill herself, BUT she knew her daughter would get better. And she came to me the following week and said, I had to say this to you, all I could think about was you and your DD, and how I cannot imagine what it would be like to walk in your shoes. She's right, nobody can.
Even within our community, we all have had different experiences, and we are all different people who deal with things in different ways. You are completely entitled to feel miserable, depressed, cheated, worried, scared stupid, unlucky: I could go on and on, because, as soon as our children got cancer, this became our lives. But you are right mackerella, you have to try not to dwell, for we will go mad.
My prayers and thoughts are absolutely with expat today, and will be for some time. They will also be with Olivia's parents, and Jess', and Thomas', and Sadie's, and, as always, with Billie's.
It is an evil, evil, bastard illness, and all the trips to Disneyland in the world will never make up for the journeys our children are forced to take through treatment and beyond.