Expectations of Extended Family

[BruFord]

To clarify, I'm an only child so have no experience of sibling relationships. The situation I'm describing involves a childfree couple I know.

Childfree couple, late 50's, one of them has two younger siblings (late 40's) who've chosen to have children. The childfree couple are feeling left out as for a few years, their siblings haven't invited them for Thanksgiving/Christmas (we're in the US), because they're celebrating as a nuclear family, with grandparents, or with other friends.

Is that unreasonable? Do you expect to be invited? As I don't have extended family, I've never had this option anyway. Personally, I think the best solution would be for the couple to offer to host if they want their extended family there. That's what I'd do, or book a luxury break perhaps.

I'm the childless one in our family and have given up inviting my siblings as they always celebrate with their own children. They don't invite me and DH either. We all get on generally but I'll be honest, it hurts at Christmas.

Ooo it's tough - however if they have children, that's their nuclear family now. Celebrations like Christmas do become something you want to celebrate as a nuclear family (in my experience!) rather than a wider family, even if you do celebrate together at some point in the season, the day itself is a bit different.

I think it's perhaps the angle that you have them as your closest family, but they have their children as their closest family. It's different priorities perhaps?

We're the childless couple (at the moment!) and we don't expect to be invited to the other families celebrations with their children, that's for them as a family to experience.

Family celebrations tend to centre on the DC, if you're CF you can do as you like without worrying whether it's child appropriate or not. My DP and I have lovely Christmas Days- we get up late, we eat when we want and we start on the booze as early as we like. No getting up early with the DC, no having set meal times, no having to be responsible. I recommend it Op

My sister and I are both childless not by choice, 3rd sister has children. We’re always invited to hers at Christmas along with our parents. She’s very aware that we didn’t choose not to have children and has put a huge effort into ensuring we have a great relationship with our niece. She’s a brilliant sister - the 3 of us have always been very close tho so I think that plays a big part in it

We are the child free couple. I have one sibling with a partner and teenager (whom I love). We usually spend Christmas together with one or other of us hosting, but I wouldn't be at all displeased if they decided to go to her parents, who live abroad especially if they leave their dog with us.

I don't get why it is so unthinkable for so many couples to spend Christmas alone together, it'sy idea of bliss and in our 34 years of marriage, for the first 25 years we always spent it with our parents. Never a Christmas alone.

Where it’s ‘unfair’ is that people expect childfree/childless people to spend money on their children and babysit and constantly expect/ask them to be part of ‘their village’ but then the childless/free people aren’t included in the family.

Surely nice people get invited regardless of offspring or not? If not are the hosts nice themselves then? Obviously not...

I think it's perhaps the angle that you have them as your closest family, but they have their children as their closest family. It's different priorities perhaps?

@mushpush I think you've hit the nail on the head, the family dynamics have changed.

@Theeyeballsinthesky Yes, I think that's one of the reasons that they're hurt. The DH thought that he was closer to his younger siblings, but they've pulled away over the years. You and your sisters are obviously still close.

@JackwoodB In this case, they aren't asked to babysit, and I don't think the siblings particularly expect presents for their children. I think it's more the shift in the family dynamics that's upset them.

But as @KimberleyClark says, I don't really see what's wrong with spending Christmas as a couple, I'd take it as an opportunity to thoroughly spoil ourselves!

We get invited to “family” Christmas stuff, but it’s always on the siblings with childrens’ terms, and any time we try and host we get declined. I don’t think they even compute that it’s hurtful, they’re just so wrapped up in making it magical, and then in complaining about how much hard work it is.

I’m estranged from my parents and my siblings aren’t, so they tend to go and spend Xmas with my parents hosting, and I obviously don’t get invited. I’ve gotten used to spending Christmases by myself now.

And to be fair, they all have to be up at 4.30am with the kids which sounds horrendous to me so at least I’m spared that!

Agree that it’s a change to family dynamics, but also think it depends on involvement/what the relationship is like. My sister doesn’t have kids yet but is a very involved auntie to my daughter, does things with us at least once a week, comes round to see her all the time, loves her like her own and has her own amazing little relationship with her, her and my BIL are coming here on Christmas Day as well as my parents, they all love her and us and we’re all very close, it wouldn’t occur to me to exclude any of them. But if she didn’t bother coming to see her, spend time with us or make any effort to be actively involved in her/our life then I probably wouldn’t invite her on Christmas Day because 1) I’d just assume she wasn’t interested and 2) Christmas is a day for your close family at least it is for us and “close” doesn’t just mean sharing a parent if they don’t make the effort year round.

@Mrsttcno1 I have no idea what the relationships are like year-round, I only know the older brother. He is a rather inflexible person tbh so perhaps things are more strained than he wants to admit. Spending Thanksgiving/Christmas together when your parents were alive wouldn't necessarily mean that you remain close once they've gone, I suppose.

Yeah exactly, if this brother doesn’t make the effort to be involved in their lives & with their kids year round then I wouldn’t be inviting him for Christmas either. You can’t pick and choose when you are family at least in my opinion and kids aren’t daft, they know who shows up for them and who doesn’t and I also think you become a bit more cut throat when you have kids. At least I have!

You can be very close with your siblings and still prefer to have a small family Christmas with your children.
Once you start inviting siblings and their spouse it becomes a bigger event with most hosting obligations whereas spouse + children is a less pressure hanging out at home day.

Plus it’s not all one way, you can’t be annoyed if someone doesn’t host you for Christmas if that person doesn’t host the siblings either.

It's bizarre if the reason is childlessness rather than a strained relationship (which admittedly might be caused by having children or not). What kid wouldn't want their childless adult relatives spoiling them rotten?

@user98786 All I know is that they don't get invited and they're not happy about it. As an only myself, I wondered whether this is common when one sibling choses to be childfree, or unusual (perhaps due to relationship tensions that he doesn't want to face)?

I think it's sad if siblings don't include their childfree or childless siblings if they had a close relationship growing up. Surely it is also good for their children to have more people in their lives.

Not something I have to think about though as I have neither children or siblings. 😕

because they're celebrating as a nuclear family, with grandparents, or with other friends.

As they celebrate with others it more points to strained relative rather than just not having children. As pp said that can be because something was already there and them not having kids just made the gap bigger or simply nkt a good relationship

I can understand why offers to just get turned down, as many families with children prefer to stay in their own homes at Christmas, but I think it's sad not to include child free siblings. I have two DC with children and one without and the child free couple are always invited to join in with their siblings' families.

The trouble is, once I had dc, Christmas was too busy to host people unless they are willing to get stuck in and help.

If people will show up a day or two before and help with food prep etc then great, but if I have DS and his friend from school, presents, stockings, trees, big meals, international video calls, dogs to walk, logs to bring in etc, then a childless couple arriving and expecting a clean, tidy, calm, day are going to be badly disappointed.

If they are happy to play noisy video games, watch cheesy films and make Boxing Day lunch from whatever they find in the fridge, then people are more than welcome to join in.

I think it depends on the different dynamics of the families, how they choose to celebrate, what traditions existed before they had children and how they adapt them or reject them. It's very individual.

We always had an immediate family Christmas only when I was a child. No extended family nearby. Before we had children, we went to both parents. When our children grew slightly in number and age, they didn't want to be spending their Christmas driving hours in the car.

I suggested taking turns hosting so everyone got a turn to have Christmas in their own home. My mother said this wouldn't work for my sibling who had commitments to her partner's family on the day (though no-one actually asked her). My MIL said her place was the place and the only place. No-one wanted to travel to us.

As there was no middle ground and no-one was willing to compromise, we decided the travel wasn't for us every year, asked the kids what they preferred (home with toys), and said, "You're welcome to visit on Christmas, you know where we are, but we're having Christmas at home. Christmas in the car every year is not Christmas for the kids!"

So I guess we had an open invitation to all family to join us, including the child free ones. Of course, no-one did, but my family came on Boxing Day instead. MIL said her way or the highway, so it was no way with them for Christmas going forward.

I have children

My siblings have never invited me for Christmas

We alternated christmases between my family (so saw my siblings) and his family (so saw his siblings).

As the kids got older we occasionally did a Christmas on holiday or a Christmas at home. We hosted once (my siblings and his siblings) and it was twenty people for four days. I just can't do that every year. It's exhausting

After a while we organised meet ups at a local pub that did food and then no-one has to host (the number of kids got too big)

I’m in a childless couple. It hurts when no one thinks to invite you to Christmas. My DH’s parents host Christmas every year for his sister and her family. Despite an otherwise close relationship in 15 years we have never been invited - no one will tell us why when asked and they don’t accept invitations to Christmas at ours - they have always planned in advance to spend it with sisters family. we don’t even get a card or a gift from anyone in the family but everyone still sends us the Christmas lists for the 5 kids’ gifts though. Maybe they aren’t purposefully excluding us but no one is thinking to include us either which is just as hurtful.

That's awful, really hurtful and thoughtless. I hope you have some kinder people in your life to spend Christmas with.