Do you have “alternative milestones”?

[UnderwaterSpaceCadet]

Note: this is posted on the Childfree board and I’m mainly interested in the views of posters who don’t have children

I was reading this article in the Guardian - and it’s interesting, but I don’t know how I feel about the assumption that women, in particular, have to fill their lives with something. Isn’t it enough to just, well, be?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/30/ive-chosen-to-be-child-free-here-is-how-i-plan-to-build-a-life-full-of-joy-and-meaning

That is awesome @EmpressaurusOfCats

I really do understand - and I think my response might have come across a bit more brusque than I intended. Life in your 40s isn't a series of hideously draining nightmares, either! In fact, not having children at this stage can make a lot of things significantly easier/less stressful.

If you've been on an achievement hamster wheel since a young age, and the achievements have followed more or less as planned not being able to do something everyone else apparently does with zero effort brings you up short on many different levels. For me, it was the first time I'd felt a significant 'failure' - which also made me see how incredibly lucky I'd been up to that point. Not just the privileges I was already conscious of, but the ones I took for granted, like my body working in predictable ways, or being the same as my friends. It took some of working through.

I can understand the instinct to replace that with another series of boxes to tick, but I also think it's important to step back and think about why the answer is to build a new hamster wheel.

Thanks @AnnaMagnani , it works for me!

@MainlyOnThePlain Not brusque at all! Sorry if I came across defensive or something, I didn't mean to. Tone can be so tricky on here. I completely agree with all your posts on this thread so far

Hm, ine perspective on this is that those milestones are ways of chunking time, breaking up the 80 odd years into phases. That might be useful to some, simply a reality to others, but I don't need it or want it. I married, bought my home and got my career all a long time ago. I've been coasting in a happy contented place for a long time. And in a few years I'll retire early and hopefully continue coasting happily along. I live a relatively sane and stress-free life and don't see a need for milestones.

My goals are security and "pleasure" oriented. But no milestones as such, although I'm working to retire at 55.

Climb the career ladder, earn lots of money and go on lots of holidays, buy an investment property and my own holiday home. Do experiences like skiing, safari, travelling Asia and Australia (which I have never done before). Eat at Michelin star restaurants. Work on my fitness and generally enjoy life. Maybe self-publish a book. Maybe register a patent. Spend time with nephews and nieces.

My goals sound money oriented, but I grew up poor and surprised myself relatively by landing a good job and buying a home with no parental support. I give to charity and I've already done education. Marriage and kids isn't for me.

Agreed. I’m a smidge older but this is how I feel, too. I had a really big emotional crash in my mid-30s because I’d done all the things I’d set out to do, and suddenly felt bereft.

It doesn’t help that I went into menopause at 32, either, because I feel emotionally closer to someone in their 50s than in their 30s - except without the life experience.

I’m conscious that I’m sort of drifting about not knowing what to do next, and stressing about it. I need to learn to just be, but I think that’s tough for millennials/gen Z.

That is vomit-inducing and I’d bet £1000 that that poster only “is near to” their own kids. I’ve never heard a single parent talk about other people’s kids like that.

Reading the article, the feeling of needing milestones doesn't resonate with me. But the feeling of "what next" after buying a house and getting a good job do, which makes sense as I've been working towards them for years. So do the higher level goals of travel, giving back, making new friends, learning new things etc.

That being said, the "what next" just comes later for people who have children (hence empty nest syndrome). And the goals she listed are pretty universal: lots of my friends who are mums still want to travel, make friends, learn new things, give back, celebrate (which is described as inviting friends round for a bbq or going out for breakfast).

It's nice to read an article by a child free person on being child free. But I wonder if the feelings are just general human desires.

I have stepkids so not truly childfree but decided long ago I did not want my own children.

I don't think I have any milestones as such. I have goals within my work and in life. My DH and I have an interest in renovating houses and we hope to design and build our own house one day. We also have a list of places we'd like to visit.

I actually think having kids can limit some career and travel goals so while it's great that their life focus is their kids and their milestones, they may miss out on other milestones childless people have.

I suppose my latest milestone was turning 50 & realising I really needed to get fit - building muscle in particular ready for menopause - so I joined the local gym & signed up with a personal trainer.

Being childfree & single is the perfect lifestyle for me, but it’s probably also an extra incentive to do everything now to try to make sure I can stay independent as long as possible when I’m older. In the same way that I hated driving when I tried it, so I decided I wouldn’t - but that meant living somewhere with excellent public transport.

I know that analogy only works so far, and has to factor in that all three of these factors are active choices for me.

I saw that and went 🤮

I can honestly say that there are no children in my life. My nieces and nephews live a long distance from me and their parents and I don't get on so I barely know them.
My partner has adult children who rarely see him and never see me so any grandchildren relationships there will be distant for him and non existent for me.
My friends are mostly childfree or have grown up children.
My life revolves around work and my hobbies which are not of interest to children.

I have a lovely life and certainly have never felt I missed out on not having children in it.

Sometimes I look at my cat pottering round the garden, sunbathing, snuggling on my lap or playing with a bit of string, and am reminded that it's perfectly possible just to be alive and enjoy oneself without a list of goals

That’s one of the best things about cats.

God those below the line comments are awful.

Like @JoanOgden and @EmpressaurusOfCats I am looking at my cat who starts every day as if it's both his first and last. He has no goals except possibly eat more tuna.

Milestones to me usually implies either anniversaries of whatever sort, or things requiring a lot of money. I never had enough money for the so-called milestones of going to uni or buying a house, and never had a job that had a career path. Does moving into a retirement village count? Or reaching pension age in seven years?

The thought of being a faux aunt to someone gives me the cold horrors, unless they happened to be a cat. Or at a pinch, a dog.

A life of constantly chasing milestones, and then thinking up new ones to chase, sounds exhausting. No thank you.

Yes, it’s just playing into the message that we’re never good enough, never allowed to be content. (And then when someone gets burnt out they’re told to make the effort to relax and snell the roses, because they’re a failure for not doing that, either.)

One of my foster cats thought it was his job to set goals for me. They were mainly focused around getting up early to provide breakfast and finding his favourite ball whether he rolled it somewhere inaccessible.

No! We don't need "milestones", so what fresh hell is this? No doubt everyone has a few ideas of things they'd like to do, places to visit etc but I have no idea why that needs to be so much more of a thing for childfree people. This article just seems to be yet another not-so-subtle way to imply that childfree people are "not normal".

Now those are goals I can go along with!

We actually don't even have pets anymore since our beloved feathered velociraptor died. It's just too much responsibility for 2 full time working us especially with some crazy working patterns and no family nearby (well now some but they are not pet people). My mum had to give up dogs when she was widowed because she was out of house for 10 hours a day and then had to sell anyway. It was hard decision, but for the best.

When we move somewhere nice and finish up travelling I am planning on adopting few older cats and dogs. And some chickens. And probably get that aquarium DH wants (i had before). Train some wild birds😂 For now it's just plants and occasional spider🌿🌵🌱🪴

Ok, I will admit I only read the opening half or so and skimmed the rest after being intrigued by this thread, but what I read does resonate with me. I’m not sure I think of them as milestones, but I do like to think that every so often something happens to move life on in a positive way and that I’m constantly developing. I’m in my 40s and I realised a year or so ago that there hasn’t been any major change in my life since my early 30s and that I could easily go on without much changing for any number of years (or worse, until a major negative change affects me). It also occurred to me that if I had had children they would have been that natural break in chapters and provided ongoing change and novelty.

So I get her ‘married, bought a house, what next’ comment because I’ve had exactly those thoughts (albeit with slightly different ‘milestones’).

None of that means I wish I was a parent, think that I’m missing out by not being one or that I in any way feel conflicted about my choice. I have no interest whatsoever in young children. It was just a reflection that I personally didn’t want my life to carry on through the years without differentiation and now that the school-uni-establishing a career bit (which provides that progression and change in younger life for many of us) was done and I wasn’t going to have kids (which I imagine fulfills the same function in some ways for parents) I had to look to myself to make the change. As it was, my reflections led me to change jobs and swap some hobbies out for others.