What is your background/culture and your families reaction to being child free

[Ineedwinenow]

Hi All, a poster touched on their culture in one of the others posts on here and it got me thinking about my own background

I married into a south Asian family and their culture is all about family, the elder members of the family move in with the younger generation and they all live happily ever after and children are cherished and looked after and encouraged where as I am white British and my family can’t seem to move past me not having kids.

My Asian side of the family have been really supportive and love that our nephew gets spoilt by us and is an only child ( my sister in law has 4 other siblings and that is normal in her culture - well was, I do believe the tide is changing with this new generation)

Whereas my own family haven’t taken it well, we have lots of childfree members of my side of the family and my dad is great and feels it’s my choice and I think he’s relieved but my mum is really disappointed in me, all she’s ever wanted to be is a grandma ( to be fair she’s always been very maternal and she is a fabulous mum, even now) my aunts and grandparents didn’t taken it well either! ( my grandparents have now all died but they really had it in for my decision when they were alive)

No one knows if I have a medical problem or just don’t want them ( it’s not their business) but they really are disappointed I haven’t had a baby! And it still really bothers me even now I’m in my 40s, I feel like I’m judged as a failure despite all my accomplishments and achievements but breeding is apparently shown as the pinnacle of success in my family therefore I feel like they aren’t proud of me.

I know a lot of cultures such as Asian/Caribbean/some European expects large families so what is your culture and how have they reacted to the news you won’t be giving them kids!

Both sides of my family are Catholic and my grandparents didn't have access to contraception so I have a LOT of aunties, uncles and cousins!

Interestingly, only 2 of my cousins have children. I'm one of the youngest at 38, so I think that's the end of that!

My family have never once questioned my choice - it's a complete non issue to them. They're fab.

My brother doesn't have children at 31 and has just moved in with his girlfriend - I can see them having a kid at some point.

White English here and family have never questioned my decision - not to my face, anyway. A friend is from the Philippines and she moved to the UK to get away from the the elder members of the family move in with the younger generation and they all live happily ever after and children are cherished and looked after business (is the 'happily ever after' true, by the way?) she found the expectation of that and that she'd have children utterly stifling.

The only person who has ever had an issue with my not having children was a colleague who would not let it alone and ended up (after being told to mind his own business) shouting that I'd die alone. I pointed out that that might be true, it might not and it was STILL none of his business.

White western European; grew up in an agnostic household.

Nobody in my family has ever asked me why I don't have children.

The only times I have been asked that were when I lived in the Middle East. It was really quite funny: I'd be asked by acquaintances if I had children. When I said "no", there was usually an intake of breath followed by a look of confusion and the words "I'm sorry".

You’re all very lucky! I’m very happy in my life and never wanted children but my mum definitely can’t seem to move past it! We are not religious, we are not from a culture that has large families but mum and her sisters really have an issue with it! I’m now peri menopausal and yet they still don’t understand why I’ve not decided to breed! my dad tells me it’s my decision and he’s proud of me but mum always chimes in with her opinion ( which she has been told isn’t welcome)

White European, grandparents were immigrants but death/divorce/estrangement etc meant I was never that close to them so any cultural values from outside the UK weren't ever imposed on me. My immediate family is basically just me and my parents. They couldn't give a monkeys that I don't want kids – I've never wanted them even since I was a kid myself. My mum fully endorses my decision saying "being a parent would be totally wrong for you".

My dad used to say I'd change my mind but not in a hopeful way, I don't think either of them really want to be grandparents, but he had a habit when I was a teenager of belittling anything I said and not taking me seriously so I think it was more that. When it became apparent my partner and I are serious (talking of moving in together, maybe even moving countries which would necessitate marriage) my dad gasped and said "but what if he wants kids?!" and I had to explain that I checked whether he wanted kids on our first date, because I didn't want to date someone who did!

Friends similarly don't care, but most of my friends are either childfree or haven't had kids yet. They're also mostly very arty and open minded. The only people who've ever questioned it have been a couple of men I went on dates with! Obviously no second dates came of those!

It can be hard. I'm from a white, working class British family and children are very much at the heart of the family. They don't know what to make of me at all. Been with DH for nearly 25 years, since we were 19 and on paper who should have been the quintessential settle down early couple. I'm the cliche of childfree career woman (in reality my career has very little to do with my decision on motherhood) and that's another thing my family don't get - most women in our family don't work.

That said, mum wasn't a natural nor happy mother. She did what was expected and made it quite clear she was miserable while parenting me through my younger years. She didn't sell the dream of motherhood! She often says that we have to go through the misery of parenting to get the reward of grandchildren and resents me for breaking that cycle. She doesn't get her reward and doesn't get to see me suffer.

DSis and DSiL are both natural mothers who adore children and also don't understand why DH and I have chosen a different path. I've had a few difficult discussions with them over the years and I find it quite upsetting that they would rather see me as who they want me to be, rather than who I am.

FiL is from mainland Europe and has strong views on the role of women in the family. Neither he, nor MiL had said much about it though until recently. Earlier this year, MiL broke down in tears over dinner about the fact we haven't given them grandchildren. It was sudden and horrible and I still feel incredibly guilty. BiL and his wife are inexplicably angry about the fact we don't have children and don't like us spending time with DH's niece and nephew, which I find very sad as I would like a relationship with them. Perhaps they think we'll posion their minds and they won't get grandchildren either (for clarity, BiL is DH's half-brother from PiL's first marriage therefore his kids are not MiL's grandchildren by blood, hence her views).

I am lucky that my very close friendships have remained and I have wonderful women in my life who fully appreciate and understand that my not having nor wanting children has no bearing on their own decisions and that I'm very interested in their lives as mothers and the lives of their children. I have some wonderful godchildren and enjoy being in their lives. Oddly, I find their husbands tend to less likely to accept the situation.

The one thing all these people have in common is that not a single one of them have ever asked us the reason for not having kids. In a way, that's fine, it's a personal question but as someone whose childfree status is around 70% choice and 30% circumstance, I am acutely aware how upsetting their views could be if the percentages were reversed. I think they tend to see my career and make assumptions from there.

I'm culturally white and have a christian background

My mother likes to say me not being able to have kids is God punishing her

For what she can't explain, as she is of course utterly perfect, but it's the only way she's come up with centre herself in the situation.

Amoungst my friends, pretty much every friendship group we have there is at least one, maybe more couples who are either childfree or childless by circumstance (meeting a partner too late/an irreversible vasectomy etc) so we are not seen as the odd ones out and there's no pressure to "you could just adopt" or anything which is quite nice

She doesn’t sound like a wonderful mother, OP. Not in this, accepting your choices, respect.

Looks like there are a couple of us with infuriating family members! Maybe they feel hard done by as they won’t become grandparents or just selfish?

My mum in every other aspect is great ( and dad ) they both do so much for us, they helps us out regularly if we need help and if there’s ever some emergency or crisis, she’s there to offer support and assistance straight away, she has a fabulous sense of humour and I was one of the lucky ones who had a great childhood, BUT .. we have been having discussions and disagreements over this one subject for years now and we will probably always be at logger heads over it, I never knew my life choices were the business of other people and choosing to have kids or not is a major one so she likes to remind me of that fact that I’m child free.

My mum was a nurse before retirement and she’s always had that caregiving and maternal mentality so I think for her grandchildren were the next chapter in her caregiving life and that’s just not happened, so I think she’s actually mourning for a life she thought she’d have ( through me)

It’s a good job you can choose your friends ….

Luckily for me, my only sibling has children.

White British, my mum always told me she didn’t want grandchildren and that she wouldn’t have had kids if she had her time again. So to that extent, my decision was irrelevant to her.

My dad had no opinions, on anything, at all, he was barely there.

I’m now estranged from them. My siblings don’t have kids either so the line will die out with us which feels weirdly correct to me.

My mum’s never commented and my nan maybe wouldn’t have had children if she was of a later generation (she gets the ick around babies haha. She had four. She likes them better when they can talk, fortunately).

to be honest the only times I feel sad I’m not a mother is because I know my mum would be a devoted grandparent, and my stepdad would be beyond delighted. I wish I had siblings :| but ultimately that’s on my mum…

the only people from my family who came with some jabs are an aunt and a cousin who generally trade in shitty comments, so par for the course. If it hadn’t been that it would have been about appearance or anything else worthy of critique and hurt.

White British. My late MIL was a devout Catholic who couldn’t have children (my DH was adopted). It must have seemed like a cruel double blow to her when I wasn’t able to have children either.

White British. Not entirely on point as we couldn't have children so it's not a choice. But interestingly my mum has since said she thinks I am happier for not having children - she thought that I was never really suited to it (but would have been a good mum of course) and while she obviously wishes we hadn't had to go through the pain of infertility she is happy for me and the life I now have. If I had made the decision not to have children at an earlier point I think she would have felt the same. Although I have many nieces and nephews so she is also a very happy grandmother! My parents have many flaws but for me a massive positive is that they never had an expectations of what I should do with my life they genuinely just want me to be happy.

I'm childless by circumstance - just didn't meet anyone in time. My parents died when I was a young adult and I think would have been sad that I didn't have children, but would have absolutely not had a problem with it, and would have been sympathetic and supportive.

My wider family think I'm weird, and definitely treat me as a lesser person because of it. I overheard an uncle tell someone I didn't know at a wedding - "no, Paulie's never had kids, she's never been able to keep a bloke long enough".

My friends are a mix - my oldest friends all have children and have told me that they pity me, so I spend less time with them in favour of friends I've made as an adult who also don't have children for all kinds of reasons.

White British. I decided not to have children when I was eight years old. I remember sitting in the back garden on the grass, and saying ‘ it ends with me’. It was after my mother had said some very hurtful things to me about her father, and my similarities to him. So I thought it would not be perpetuated.

When I started to live with DH and it was obvious that we were committed, dM started going on at me about having children, she wouldn’t give up on it. Eventually she said ( I suppose she thought it would shame me into agreeing) ‘Did you have such a terrible childhood that you don’t want it repeated’.

Echoing silence, change of subject. Not raised again.

I’ve never told anyone this, although it was forty years ago. I’m glad to have said it now.

I had a really interesting experience this weekend which perfectly illustrates the difference in attitude from my family, who find my lack of children unacceptable, and my friends, who are happy to take me as I am.

Two days, two encounters with young babies - both less than 6 months old.

Saturday - with a group of friends and meeting one of their babies for the first time. I was free to enjoy the experience, to hold him and coo over him - he was very cute - and to talk to my friend about her experience of motherhood. All good, relaxed and enjoyable.

Sunday - family gathering and meeting my cousin's baby for the first time. Here I was on edge waiting for the inevitable comments and questions about why I don't have one of my own. I felt I ended up playing a part, feeding into their perception of childfree women by going out of my way to feign disinterest in the baby because any chink in the armour, any hint that I might want to spend time with him would have been evidence that I have made the wrong decision and that I really do want to have children. It happened anyway - I peered into the pram and within a milisecond an aunt had popped up to tell me "it's not too late for you" and my personal favourite was my sister asking if I wanted to take a turn at holding the baby - "it will be good for you". Whatever that's supposed to mean.

The difference was startling and I hate that I end up distancing myself from family, rather than enjoying their company and, more importantly, feeling that they can enjoy my company without focusing on who I could have been rather than who I am. Moreover, why is it so astonishingly difficult for people to understand that you can like and have an interest in the lives of children and parents without wanting the same life for yourself?

Thank you for sharing your stories, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who has apparently let the family down! it’s remarkable that some families just can’t get over us being failures because we haven’t reproduced! I’ve done some incredible things in my life but it’s not good enough.

Weirdly, I expected more grief from my south Asian in laws than my own British family due to their family structures and culture but I am surprised my mum and extended family have taken the news so bad and the Asian family are really pleased about it!

On our wedding day my mum went over to fiends and family and said she was so excited about when we would have kids, my husband and I just shake our heads now but honestly who dare judge a couple on no children especially as no one knows if we can actually have them or not!

Never had any grief from my family (to my face, anyway ).

A close friend, who is Turkish, has just come back from a family wedding in Ankara and was spitting fire at the intrusive comments she received from relatives about not being married and not having children. Her parents are fine with her choices, but have had to field questions and comments from wider family.

SIL, southern European Catholic heritage, had the heartbreak of infertility for years, which wasn't helped by the snippy attitudes of both immediate and wider family. She has a much longed for daughter now but her relationship with her own family suffered. Needless to say, none of the opprobrium was heaped on DBil's head, just hers .

I am Eastern European and my family are definitely not happy about it. My dad is the most accepting - he asked why and was like, fair enough, it’s your life. My mum has said she’ll accept it but doesn’t agree with it. My grandparents absolutely do not accept it and constantly bring up that it’s “a necessity” to have them, my life is pointless otherwise, it’s a woman’s duty etc. TBH it’s just making me avoid them and I haven’t visited in 4+ years now - I don’t really want to be around people that don’t accept my choices. I’ve had lots of hurtful comments over the years that I’ll never be truly happy, etc.

I was quite upfront with my mum but even then, when we were talking about downsizing from a 3 bed to a 2 bed in a better location, she was like “you don’t want to be stuck in a flat with kids”. So I think they think I’ll change my mind!

This is why I’m not that close to my family and don’t ask their advice anymore - all they can think about is their own perspective and their own ideals, not mine.

White British. By and large my family have been fine with it, mostly in a "Fair enough, you do you" sort of way. But I have had the "You'll change your mind" comments in the past which, now it's clear that I didn't and I'm almost too old to have children anyway, has become "You'll regret it/be lonely".

Ho hum.

White British MC background. Never was keen on having children, had a bit of a crisis in my early 30s as felt I had to make a proper decision and wasn't sure, but ultimately came down on the no kids side for a variety of reasons. Pretty happy with my decision apart from the occasional 'what if'. Both DH and my mothers died in our teens, so haven't had any pressure on that front, but after a conversation with my sister when I said I'd decided not to, I was shocked that she burst into tears and went on about what a good mother I'd be, how she'd envisioned us all going on family holidays with our kids (she has two), how I'd regret it and so on. I really hadn't expected that reaction at all! My dad has made the odd comment about how he hopes I won't regret it when I'm older. So do I! But you can't do everything in life, and given my ASD and complete lack of nearby family I really think I would have struggled.

I'm from a stereotypical Welsh valleys family - both my parents have a lot of siblings so I have loads of aunties and uncles and too many cousins. Almost all of them have children.

I'm childfree but not by choice. Never told my family or inlaws this so they believe it's a choice DH & I made.

My inlaws have no issues at all. They don't make any comments about it at all.

My family have seemingly decided that me and DH are selfish, that we don't have children because we are prioritising having a nice house and being able to travel, we're wasting our time on our careers and we're a bit odd because we enjoy spending time with nieces and nephews.
The fact this may not be a choice hasn't crossed their minds and they seem sure only strange people choose not to have children. It's frustrating to say the least.

I'm also Welsh, childfree not by choice and I'm the only one of my generation of my extended family without children. Family gatherings like weddings and funerals can be hard.

White Australian, German-Irish descent. Mum's the youngest of ten in a Catholic family. My sister and I are childfree. Never bothered Mum (she never wanted grandchildren), and was nobody else's business. I suspect if the Pill had been around when she married she'd have been childfree too. She certainly went on it as soon as she could.