Dropping hints / emotional blackmail - your coping strategies?

[barnefri]

I'm wondering how others have coped with their parents / ILs dropping hints or using emotional blackmail or trying to be coercive in their desire for grandchildren.

I can't claim to have had a great strategy... mostly I just shrugged and said "oh well then". I never really nipped it in the bud though; I just eventually aged out (I'm mid-forties!) and they came to accept there was no more point making comments.

That said, I'm comfortably childfree, so the hints didn't hurt me, they just caused an inward eyeroll. If I had been experiencing fertility isdues, perhaps I'd have needed to tackle it head on.

Have others coped with the hint-dropping in a more assertive / proactive / practical way?

I'm very lucky in that my parents have always been supportive of my choice (and aren't very maternal / paternal!)

DH's grandmother told us explicitly that she didn't want us to have children because she didn't think the world is in a good place to leave to future generations, plus she doesn't want to be a great grandmother 😂

MIL only stopped pestering when I said I would have a child if she looked after it every weekend! We've been married a few years now and yes, I think age and time has been a factor, so she's moved onto badgering fairly new SIL.

@JorisBonson Aah, your DH's GM sounds fab!

DPs mother is fine as she now has grandchildren from his sibling. She does often say how sad it is that my mum doesn’t have any though…..I tell her that isn’t a good enough reason for us to have a kid and she seems to agree but I don’t think she understands why we don’t want them.

Im an only child and my mum has said for years how nice it would be to be a grandma. I’ve asked if she will be raising, clothing, paying for and housing her grandchildren if she wants them that badly. It seems to shut her up. If the subject is raised now I just say “you know I dont want children” and change the subject.

Proper no nonsense east end woman, you wouldn't fight her 😂

My DM is very supportive, luckily.

She didn't sugar-coat how hard it is to be a parent, and said she's glad I get to live my life for myself. She had to sacrifice a lot.

MIL, however, keeps telling me how old my eggs are getting. I just nod and agree, and drink more gin!

My father never asked me, he would have considered that ‘women’s talk’ and wouldn’t have strayed near it in conversation. My mother did ask me if I was certain, at the time I was almost 40 and had had a sterilisation unbeknownst to her, so I just said yes, I was fully sure and very happy with that decision, which she accepted.

My mum was never supportive and always made the usual comments. Eventually I lost it at her and basically said I will cut the call as soon as she mentions it. I told her that it’s clear she doesn’t know me, my personality, etc if she thinks being pregnant, labour, looking after a newborn, toddler, teen another whole human is something I want in my life. She stopped but I know she will never understand.

It was odd because it was always just mum, younger sibling & I. My father died when I was a toddler and we didn’t have an easy life. My mum always used to say her one dream was that we were never in her situation. I guess as she got older and saw my life was more settled, grand babies started playing on her mind.

My late DM told me not to have kids 😂

My mum wasn’t keen for me to have kids. I think she would have chosen not to have them herself if that had been possible in the late 50s/early 60s. She genuinely thought I’d have an easier, nicer life if I didn’t. I think she was right tbh but I certainly didn’t think so when I was desperately ttc!

My parents have never said anything. But mum was at my hospital appointment when I was told (I knew this) that I can't have children due to the medication I'm on.

I actually think my mother didn't enjoy motherhood that much, so there was no pressure from her (I decided aged about 15 that children weren't for me). What the rest of my family thought I have no idea because they never said anything about my making that choice.

Luckily neither of my parents put pressure on me, but an older cousin made a couple of comments. What I wished I'd said, calmly, was 'if getting married and having children is something I want but it's not happening, don't you think it's incredibly hurtful to bring it up and ask me to justify it? Please don't ever do it again."

Joining in for tips. I never did manage to find a good response to these things. My "favourite" was my sister's constant and unsubtle way of asking every single time we spoke "Can you remind me, how long have you been married now?"

It tailed off for a bit when I reached the magic age of 40 but unfortunately has started up again a bit. This time it's no longer hints and blackmail but outright "woe is me" from the would-be grandparents.

So far my only response is to get flustered and change the subject as quickly as possible.

I’m lucky my family and my DH family were all fine with our choice. As she got older my mum went from not being bothered about whether she had grandchildren or not as long as I was happy, to being glad she didn’t have them after seeing what happened when her friends became grandmothers.

An older relative told people she and her DH couldn't have any, and people stopped asking.
She and her DH had a brood when in their late 30s.

’we’re not having kids and we’re really happy and settled in our decision.’

and if it goes on

’it’s a decision we’ve thought long and hard about, obviously, and nothing you can say will change our minds. Please don’t continue to try as we’ll both get upset.’

i had to be this direct with one relative. It’s a pain in the arse when it comes up but now everyone knows without doubt - we’re not waiting, trying, adopting - ever. No one ever mentions it now - 39.

When I first told my mum that I wasn’t planning to have children, she was amused & understandably sceptical. ‘Yeah, right. Whatever. Let’s see if you’re still saying that at 35’ etc etc. Fair enough.
Once I reached my mid 30s, the issue came up again. I then told her that I was absolutely serious about not having kids, and that I wasn’t going to change my mind. Now, she took me seriously and at first she was very upset. I let her go through the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was never going to present her with a grandchild, but I certainly wasn’t going to pander to any attempts at coercion or emotional blackmail. I told her straight that it was my life & my decision. End of. In the end, she accepted it, because she didn’t have much choice, but that took time.

Cousin: I just can't understand why you wouldn't want to have children.

Me: I just can't understand why you would want to have children.

She then asked my mother (out of my earshot) how it felt that her daughter was refusing to provide her with grandchildren. Before my mother could shut her down, cousin's husband did it quite firmly.

I avoid her now so have no idea if she'd raise it with me again. That question to my mother was just a bit handsmaidy.

In-laws tried dropping unsubtle hints despite knowing we didn't want any. Avoid seeing them as well for that and many more reasons.

My dad has recently rewritten history and pretends he never wanted grandchildren.
He's actually now relieved he doesn't have any, given how frequently his friends do school runs, regular and emergency childcare and get asked for money.

In my 20s my sister and I had a lot of "you might change your mind" and "we'd help you out with childcare" chats from our parents.
Neither of us changed our minds, and our parents were working full time themselves, and we lived nowhere near them

I find "Oh dear god no!" when people ask soon shuts them up. It is a bit brutal, but gets the job done.

“But you’d be a great mum!”

“I think I’d be great at most things, but I don’t need to try them to know I still wouldn’t like them”

I suspect my mother only had children because that's what generally happened in marriage in the pre-Pill days - she went on it as soon as it came out - and she's never been a particularly maternal type, let alone wanting grandchildren. I have no idea whether my oxygen-thief brother ever fathered a child (he preferred his relationship with married women) and my sister and I never had the slightest interest in having children, nor did Mum ever suggest or hint we should.

My Mum has always been accepting that I never wanted children.

My Dad went through a phase when I was in my 30s of pestering me about it as he wanted to be a granddad . I had to have a frank talk with him about it. He wasn't happy but luckily my sibling has now obliged! That plus I'm now in my late 40s so there's no point in going on about it anymore.

An uncle couldn't accept my decision and went on about it every time I saw him. He meant well though, plus had adopted his own children so it was obviously a very big deal for him. He thought that when I saw my cousin's new baby I would melt and immediately change my mind. I didn't of course! Again, my advanced age means that the topic is now closed for him too.

My PILs were both completely fine about it and weren't expecting GC.

So basically the women in my family were fine and understood but the men less so. Which is interesting.

I'm still trying to navigate this one myself.

I've considered trying to get them to explain what they mean when they make their remarks.

Them: "You'll change your mind."

Me: "Why?"

Them: "You'll regret not having kids."

Me: "Why?"

Them: "Children are one of life's blessings."

Me: "Why?"

I think if I turn into a toddler, asking them to explain everything incessantly they may get so sick that they just stop and let me live my life as I see fit.

Or

"I'm sure I'd be great at hand-gliding but I don't fancy the idea."

"Oh but having children would be very different!"

"Yes, I should imagine it would be even worse, Margaret."