How much do your parents help?

[Lizita]

I always think my parents have been really helpful in terms of babysitting. They are my most frequent evening babysitters (i.e. I put dd to bed at theirs then out i go) and they have also got up for me in the morning and had her till the afternoon a few times. But i keep hearing about grandparents who seem to take on child care so much more! My mum doesn't work Wednesdays and dd and i normally go and stay that day & night every week to spend time with her. But unless we actually go out, my mum spends most of that time cooking or she'll take dd round the shops for half hour but that's it. (I appreciate the cooking, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't have to be anything special!!) Also, whenever I'm there I tend to be the one chasing around after dd and i feel like i should be able to relax a bit and let her grandparents take over! At the same time I feel guilty feeling like this, and absolutely loathe asking for help (i.e. babysitting - getting better at it though). I know they love spending time with dd but because they never actually offer I can't help feeling guilty.

My mum comes to stay around 3/4 times a year, usually for a week. By day 3 she is often to be found sitting at the dinner table with her fingers in her ears. Last time DS2 (4) said, 'Mum, does Granny not like us?'.

Yes she says she enjoys it Girafski.
I just worry that she wont say no when she isnt feeling to good (she has health problems)

My mum offered to be my child carer on a Thursday and Friday to cut down on my childminding fees as she worked part time then and those were her free days. She actually took early retirement recently but I have not asked her to do more than that and she has not offered which is understandable as she isn't in great health. In return (as i don't pay her) I do her cleaning once a week as she can't really manage it at the moment.
Dh parents are fantastic too. they pick dd up from Childminders on Mon & Tues so that I can reduce the bill a bit and the also babysit every so often if dh and I need to go out.

Not a lot. My Mum lives 2 hours away and has a job and a very active social life. She comes down to stay for the weekend probably once every couple of months, which allows DH & I to enjoy a rare night out together

Both my mum and my mil have ds (2) one day a week (7.30 - 4.15) while I'm at work. And he probably goes for an overnight stay with one of them at least once a month. Occasionally they've each had him for 2 nights, if we've been away or needed time to do decorating or whatever.

Neither of them work anymore and they both love having him - would have him more if I would let them. They wouldn't dream of taking payment for it and insist that just having his time is reward enough.

Ds loves it too - he has 3 houses where he feels totally happy and secure, and knows his rules and boundaries in all of them. My mum says we'll read about him in the Daily Mail in 30 years time as one of those men that have 2 secret families and lives, cos he slips so easily into each different routine!!!

I'm also glad that he's forming such good relationships with his grandparents - hopefully it means he'll always have someone he trusts that he can talk to about anything - even when he doesn't want to confide in mum!!

Anyway, I really appreciate their help and don't know what I'd do without it. I can see how fortunate I am from reading everyone else's experiences - I hadn't realise just how lucky I am until now.

I never used Granparents for daycare when they were young as they went to nursery/after school club. However, both sets of GP's would have them to stay the occasional night or travel over to sit for special occasions before we found the church teenagers who took over when kids were a bit older.

Now however, MIL is our "Granny grey care" for the school hols for DS (DD is 14 & spends more time with friends). She will not take a penny, and often takes them on special trips out. Our financial situation changed a lot in the last few yrs & she has been a lifesaver Especially as she has to drive for half an hour to get here each day!

I think if you have parents who are willing and able to help out then you thank your lucky stars! They are not obligated to do so and the fact that they do is an expression of their love for you and your children. My MIL used to babysit a lot when she was alive, even though she was in her 70's (very sprightly until just before the end) and my parents babysit about once a month for us on a saturday night and the occasional few hours in a daytime when I need to work/go to a meeting on a day that DS2 is not in nursery. However my parents are quite elderly - Dad is 80 and Mum is 73 - and I'm quite aware of how much of a strain it must be for them, especially as DS2 is into everything now and DS1 can be a right stroppy git sometimes. They love my boys to bits and love looking after them but I would never expect them to - and I am so grateful that they do. I am grateful for them being around in fact, especially since my MIL died it has made me realise that, as we had kids late, they probably won't be around to see them grow up beyond their early teens, if that far, as my Dad is pretty ill now.

TBH what makes me mad are people who think that paid, professional childcare is the work of the devil yet expect their mother or MIL to be an unpaid childminder when they return to work. My DH's cousin was like this - her 60-ish mother looked after her daughter 3 days a week until she went to school - there was never any question that she wouldn't, although I know it tired her out.

I think if you have younger parents and are younger yourself (ie parents in their 40's/50's) then they're going to be more willing and able to help out. One of my ex-classmates is a grandmother, fgs!! (She can't imagine being a mum of a toddler at 43!) But I would never dream of asking my mum to set a regular day or evening for childminding - she has her own life, her own interests, and helps out when she can. If she can't, I pay a babysitter or just don't go out. And that's it.

I would never expect my parents to take on child care if I worked, either. They both work (my mum doesn't on weds that's why that's when me and dd go and see her). But I must say this talk of payment, I never ever considered paying my parents to look after my dd (ie babysitting, I don't mean official child care), that seems very bizarre to me.

Lizita,
I wasn't meaning to get at you honest. It's just that this is a particular bugbear of mine seeing the way my sils 'take advantage' of my mil. One of them even insisted that she babysat for her son on the day of my mil's own son's funeral. The other one regularly 'dumps' her own two dds weekend after weekend on her parents who are now in their mid 70s and not in the best of health. Mil also does her washing for her .
Also, I must admit that when I was younger and had only one child (and my mum and dad had no other grandchildren and weren't divorced) they did babysit a lot more for me but even then it was probably only about once a month or so.
Maybe I'm just a bit as no-one ever wants to babysit now I've got four!

Of course you wouldn't pay your mum for babysitting, Lizita, but don't you realise you're lucky not to have to rely on paying a babysitter? If you have communication problems in letting your mum know what you want her to do and vice versa, then have a chat with her and set some boundaries. And how about taking her out for a meal/buying her flowers to say how much you appreciate it? Sometimes words are not enough...

(Sorry if you already do this, I'm just a little sensistive on this subject beacuse I realise how precious grandparents are for children, and how short a time my kids' grandparents will be around.)

I dont expect my MIL to be an unpaid carer.
The one and only thing that makes me feel better about going to work and leaving ds with some one else is that he is with his granny who is family. He will know her and love her as the provider of good company and fun when mummy isnt there.
She has him because she wants him and loves him and not because she is payed to have him.
Having said that i do pay her, she is not happy about this but she has severe financial difficulties and it is our way of helping her out.
Its interesting though the different views of this subject.
When we were expecting ds she expressed the wish to be a part of ds's upbringing by caring for him when i am back at work.
Our system is good. I am open to her and regularly discuss how she feels she is coping with the arrangement.
My dilema now is that we want another baby and i definitely want to ensure that she isnt in the position of caring for 2 children. We have decided to leave it until ds is ready for school in a couple of years.

ps i want to stress that she only has him for 3 hours every Friday afternoon while im at work. I do the rest of my 20hours over the weekend while dh is at home.

Lizita,where is the father and family of your child? Do they not help?

I wouldn't consider not paying my parents for a regular arrangement (though not for irregular ones-they recently stayed at my house for 24 hours while I attended a concert and had a night in a nice hotel.)
I pay my mother to do my ironing and to come and collect me from Manchester airport (200 mile round trip) when I come back to the UK 5/6 times a year from Turkey.

My MIL does nothing - she is youngish ( 60s), retired, healthy and wealthy. She lives about 25 mins drive from us. She has never babysat for even one evening and has never even seen our youngest, who is 14 months.She is "too busy".

My parents do virtually nothing. They also live about 20 mins drive away.They have never cared for the baby. They have taken DD (5) out twice in the last year, to Macdonalds for about 2 hours.

We just had a family bereavement and spent weeks in hospital. Neither MIL or my parents even ofered to help with the other children.

I am very jealous of those of you with such wonderful parents/in-law

Kritina!! Never even seen the youngest! What does your dh/dp think of this?

I?ve been thinking, I ought to add that the reason my parents are my most frequent babysitters is because my dd & I stay overnight there (and we tend to every week, as I said, but I don?t go out every week). I put her to bed. All my parents have to do is be in, it?s not particularly putting them out the way it puts out my friends who come and stay at my place when they babysit. As I said, a few times my parents have had dd during the daytime too, but I don't feel I take advantage of them, I agree that's not good.

And on the subject of payment, should I be paying my friends to babysit? I doubt any of them would accept the money, in fact they usually treat me to lunch etc because they know how skint I am. I do sometimes leave a bottle of wine for them though.

Wordsmith - I do realise how lucky I am and you're right, I should do something for my mum. My time spent with her these days is usual dd-related (well, it's hard for it to be anything else, she obviously wants to see dd lots! I think I'm gonna start a thread on how one's relationship with one's mum changes when you have a kid...).

moondog - dd's father is aussie & he & his family live over there. We are in touch only by email.

Mooondog - we are both pretty disgusted with her. My Dh acts like he doesnt care as its such a pain when she does get involved in her kids lives. She is very manipulative and tries to cause trouble between her children and their partners.

But I think DH is very hurt underneath. Worst of all is that my step son died recently and she didnt come to the funeral. She never even sent a card.

Kristina......what a sorry tale.
It will make me think twice before having a self indulgent moan about my (lovely) family and my very kind and sweet PIL.

Second that moondog

Second that moondog

Sorry, don't mean to have a pity party and hikack your thread Lizita.

I've only read your first post but bloody hell, count your blessings, count them again and then er, well, stop worrying ( I originally typed shut the f* up, then decided it was too strong but hey, you kwim, I'm sure) you've got a good deal, be happy. I'm not sure what else you expect them to do for you. They sound lovely, be grateful.

Thanks www, if you'd read further you'd know I'm where you're at now! Need to be told sometimes

No apology needed Kristina, wanted to hear about all experiences!

www,isn't it strange comparing this to the other thread where (can't remember her name) complains that her mother is suffocating her and her child?

Poor mujms,can't win can they?
(Our offspring will no doubt be moaning about us in a similar vein.)