Am I paying au pair enough? Heeelp

[goreousgirl]

This is my 3rd thread with a different heading - sorry a bit desperate!

I may be v niave (is that how you spell it?)- But I took on an au pair nearly 3 weeks ago - she so far, has been too good to be true, and I am waiting for something to go wrong....

I am paying her £60 per week for 5 hrs a day + £5 per hour 'extra' - so far each week she's earnt £90 in total. She has a beautiful big room and en-suite, and looks after my 9 mo old and sometimes the 5 year old.

'in conversation' she told me that her school is costing £600 for 5 months, and that her friend at school is earning £200 per month with her family (live in) - it all felt like a bit of a hint.

She's 26 - truly wonderful, totally ignores her 'required hours', and feels much more like a nanny than an au pair.

The £60 per week is a stretch for us (I am hoping to get some work from home to pay her more, and hire her for longer each day).

Any pearls of wisdom out there? Shall I ignore conversation - or am I being REALLY mean with money?

Hi hun, am afraid I have no idea how much an au pair is paid - is your au pair's friend doing comparable hours?

Thanks HM! My au pair is employed to do 7-8.30am and 2.30pm-6pm Mon-Fri. She always works until 7/7.30pm - her choice - and VERY much appreciated - she says her friend is employed same hours but until 7pm - and was explaining that her friend finished dead on 7pm, and was down the pub every night by 7.10pm.

I'm just starting to think I've bitten off more than I can chew iykwim? Although - originally, she only asked for £40 pw - so I think it's a case of her realising that she's not getting as much as she could - probably a common situation?..

It does sound like she's feeling a bit hard done by and he friend might be hassling her to get the 'best deal' she can. Can you ask what her friend's accommodation is like? Does she have an en-suite? How many children does she look after? What duties does she have? It's not just about the hours, IMO.

The friend looks after 2 school age kids (so easier I assume)! But, she does cook for them and have sole charge. Mine looks after the baby by herself ( I drop eldest at school and return) - and then she goes to school. When she returns, I am around all the time, but she is entertaining baby whilst I cook/play with older child and we do a 'double act' for bath and mealtimes.

Better go to bed now - will bump tomorrow - hope I don't have bad dreams!

You sound like a wonderful woman!

I think the most important thing to do right now is take a deep breath and be realistic (Don't beat yourself over the head, it never helps the process). If your au pair is receiving 90 pounds a week, that's 360 pounds a month and more than her friend. This means in five months, she will have made 1800 pounds. Her friend will have made 1000.

If I have calculated correctly, that seems like a fair deal to me. She is a live in au pair with relatively low extra costs (aside from her class, which would still leave her with 1300 pounds when you deduct it from her wages). Perhaps, it might be wise to point this out to her and ask her for a realistic budget if she still feels like she needs more money.

Otherwise, as sweet as it is that you want to get extra work to pay her, this hardly seems fair to you and, I believe, will inevitably result in frustration and possibly even resentment later on.

Try to put it in perspective, it's just money. Breathe deeply, forget your desperation, and focus on the task at hand. Some simple (and effective) words of wisdom from my own mother!

And for God's sake, stop waiting for something to go awry! You'll just invite disaster!

Good luck,
Yeshi

What does she do in the five hours? I think usually au pairs are expected to do lighthousework/look after kids with you present/babysit occasionally in return for board and pocket money (around £50 per week?). If she's in sole charge of your 9month old it sounds like she may be doing considerably more than this and at a salary of £2.40 per hour- pretty low wage, IMO. It doesn't sound like you're mean to me, just skint in the nanny hiring stakes! Can you find any extra to hire her as a nanny? If not, I think you need to be clear that no matter how much you wish she was a nanny and how capable she is of being a nanny, SHE IS NOT A NANNY. Expect au pair's duties of her if you can only pay her as an au pair, I think. If you don't there may be lots of resentment from both sides in the future, even if you are both lovely people, as you sound. Maybe you need to sit down and clarify her role with her and explain what you can afford to pay? E.g: I think we would both love you to be our nanny with a good salary but that's not possible atm, so I need to know if you can cope with the very different role of being our au pair and being paid much less. I think I might reduce her hours a bit if at all possible. And I would definitely enforce a standard finishing time- don't let her ignore her hours because she may start to feel that this becomes expected and feel taken advantage of somewhere down the line. Hope you can work things out.She sounds great.

60 per week X 4= 240 a month before adding the extra hours, why do you think she is hinting that the other girl earns more? I wouldn't ask jer not to be a nanny as depending of her cultural background she may be acting as naturally as any other of her co-nationals IYWIM. She may even find it a bit strange to be asked not to be so "fantastic" with the children. However, if you still want to pay her a bit more and can't afford it, the suggestion of reducing the hours is a very good one.

Your au pair sounds lovely and so do you. Just throwing in a quick idea - as you can't afford to pay her more, is there any extra 'work' you could do for her instead? ie can you be her taxi service when she goes out or give her one to one help with her language skills?

£60 a week is acceptable - it's on the low the side of normal. It's appropriate for an au pair whose English is not good and who does not drive.

£5 and hour is a lot for extra time. I think that you should review her overall hours so that you are paying less than £90 for 31 hours.

Don't be taken in by the cost of the language classes. The au pair is here to learn English and presumably the classes are worth the investment for her. If she is from within the EU, there should be free language classes in your area.

My relationship with my last au pair went pear-shaped after she started finding out about what other au pairs earned.

Thanks all for the input (I made a mistake - the friend is earning £200 per week (not month)!! Amerryscot I am just wondering if this is par-for-the-course? Maybe all au pairs discover someone else being paid more, and realise they could be making more?

SM and Yeshi - I did explain to her last night that I wouldn't expect an au pair to be loyal, and that if she found a better deal elsewhere, I couldn't expect her to stay. I tell her every night to finish duties at 6pm - but it's becoming silly, as she just says 'it's OK, no problem' and continues.....I can't send her to her room, and I'm too busy with bedtime routine to physically MAKE her sit down (but I really do try).

She looks after the 9mo old for half an hour sole charge in the mornings, but the rest of it I'm here.

I'm hoping to get a work project soon, and was going to up her hours and pay around double the money - but I certainly don't want a resentful person in charge of my children. I guess I'll just have to confront her - and ask outright if she's happy. It's a funny old game this isn't it!!

Gorgeousgirl - in that case I suspect that the friend is being paid as a nanny not as an au pair. You need your ap to know why she is an ap and not a nanny. So for example - she doesn't have sole charge, she doesn't do full days, she does not have the required experience etc etc. Get her to see this as a training opportunity and give examples of other jobs where while training the pay is lower than when fully experienced. Then tell her that once she has ap'd for a couple of families then she too can sell herself as an unqualified nanny rather than an ap!

Thanks soapbox - that's the problem, other girl is working 7-8.30 then 1.30-7pm and that's it. She's French - and picks up the kids from school and cooks for them (mine doesn't cook). When I hired her, I didn't realise she'd had sole charge of 3 kids in Spain (but with a cleaner and housekeeper to help) - hence the reason, I guess she is so good. She definitely DESERVES more money. I think the only thing I can do is keep being nice - give her as much as I can, and let her go if she finds better elsewhere - Hopefully by then, I'll have had the mind-rest I need, but I'll definitely miss her.. Thanks everyone for the help. Basically I've decided, she's on low pay - we all know someone better off than us, and she will have to either choose to stay and be happy or ensure that she gets the same as her friend. I'll try to stop worrying about it - and hope that the atmosphere doesn't become sour....

BTW Amerryscot - I talked to her about the free classes - how does she go about getting educated for free? I was a bit dumb, and didn't realise she was paying for classes anyway!! Turns out she's spending an extra £200 over the whole course to be working 9-12 -when I interviewed her, she just gave me an option of times (didn't say it cost more for mornings) - she also only wanted £40 pw originally!! I've said do school in afternoon to save money - but she doesn't want to change now? Putting this all in writing - maybe I am being manipulated a bit???

don't know if this helps but I've had nannies for the last 10 years so been through a few of the associated emotional ups and downs. the most important thing is to make sure that you are being fair - and it sounds as though you are. there is no obligation for you to pay the most or provide the best job - you need to pay what you agreed with your nanny and stick to the agreed job description. As you have already said - she can and will find a better job if yours is not what she wants, but until that point it is reasonable to assume that both of you are happy to continue with the existing arrangement. In my experience things can go wrong if either of you starts putting emotional pressure on the other eg you feel you have to pay more because she has a friend earning more or she feels taken for granted. it doesn't sound as if you are anywhere near that at present.

I pay my current nanny £240 per week - she has no qualifications but is doing an NVQ at college now. However, she has sole charge and does a number of housekeeping duties whilst the children are at school (and full time sole charge in school holidays) and 2 nights babysitting a week. this seems a significantly bigger job than yours and could be the reason why her friend gets more money as well.

Finally, it's always interested me that whenever a nanny has told me they are underpaid compared to a friend and I've checked with the friend's employer (you get to know them over time) then the other employer is usually being given the same line too - nannies have the perfectly natural habit of focusing on the area in which their postion compares unfavourably (money, hours, duties, perks) and ignoring the ones where they are better off.

Check out your local Adult Education department or sixth form colleges for free language classes.

It does sound like she is trying to manipulate you a bit. Is this the girl that has relatives nearby? IIRC, she was very keen for you to take her on, not the other way around.

I feel that the family has to be the ones calling the shots. You have her in your home to help you - it is not your duty to be putting up foreigners just for the fun of it. She has to work at times to suit you, but you also have to be aware of the consequences specific times mean to her. She should have informed you about the extra cost of doing lessons at different times - I imagine it's not that big a deal to you whether she works predominantly in the morning or afternoon.

She's a big girl, and it's not your problem that she has selected an option that has cost her more money.

I think your instinct about letting her go if she can find a better deal is the right one. It should stop any bad feelings and put the ball in her court. It's fine for her to ask for more money, but she has to respect why she might not get that raise. It's the same with any job.

GOregeousgirl, for what it's worth, I think you are paying a fair salary. And, I also think that small bits of sole charge are okay if you are comfortable with it. The accommodation you describe sounds very nice. I am in a similar situation. I have a nanny, but I know that if shelooked around she could probably find an offer for more money. But, at the end of the month I have to pay her what I can afford. This means that I have to be prepared for her to one day leave us. I simply can not afford to pay her more money, and I can not give her what I do not have.

I think you have made the right choice. And I also do not think her pay/hours are unreasonable, especially if her English skills are less than perfect.

Also, I too am curious about free English classes for EU citizens. My nanny is Estonian. I am able to communicate with her okay. But, her grammar could use improvement. For example, my DD says "What it is?" instead of "What is it?". I think it's time to learn proper sentence structure.

Sorry, Ameriscot. Posts crossed.

Gorgeousgirl, I always would be a tad bit irritated that after only just signing the contract and taking her into my home she is hinting at a renegotiation. Does your contract say when the pay/hours/duties will be re-evaluated. If not, I would think a 6 or even 12 month review is appropriate (probably six would be fair). I also would have an informal review of her performance at 3 months and use that as a basis for renegotiation at the 6 month review.

It has been my experience with domestic employees that they sometimes think the "extra credit" is more important than the defined duties. In other words, she could think that because works all of these extra hours (of her own choosing) that she has proven herself worthy of more money even if she doesn't fulfill all of her contractual obligations. And that isn't to say that she isn't fulfilling her obligations, it's just been my experience so perhaps something for you to look out for.

And, Ameriscot is so right. You have accepted this person into your home to work for you, not so you can make her happy. There is of course a balance to be found there. But, remember that she works for you, and you are not her mother.

Uwila,

Brooklands College seem to provide the language classes for Spelthorne. There is an Outreach centre in The Avenue, Sunbury - you could check to see if there are classes there. If not, there are certainly a wide range at the Oast House in Staines (aka Au Pair City). There are also free language classes at Spelthorne College in Ashford.

Thanks Ameriscot.

Really appreciate all your comments - have printed off and will come back later - thank you thank you thank you all - and yes this is the 6 week trial girl with family nearby!

GG, when I started as an AA in the civil service I got low wages. I was qualified for the higher paid AO job, but had to do AA duties. I wanted the extra money....could do the extra work....but it was pointed out to me that I had accepted the lower paid, lower expectation job. If I wanted the higher paid job I would have to wait until one was advertised and apply for it...I might get it or I might not, but could I please concentrate on the job I applied for and got.

I think that what they said was fair. You might want to point that out to your AP. She was happy with your job when she got it & the T&C were set out in the interview. NOTHING has changed.

Agree KatieMac. I remember times when people should have said that to me. They never did though, with mixed results. The word loose and cannon come to mind!

Exactly KatieMac.

Phew - OK just had an up front conversation with her, and (language permitting) - she said to me she understands the French nanny is lucky, and that she is happy. She said she knew the cost of schooling before she left Spain, and only expected to get £40-£50 per week, so she is happy with £60. She said the most important thing to her is the time to study the language - and that is what she has at the moment. Said she may change time/school in July to make things a bit cheaper - but in the meantime, as I said I may get some work, and be able to pay more anyway (fingers crossed) ......So awfully sorry everybody, it looks like I'm a paranoid person, who's just feeling guilty for the low-wage brilliant child care I'm getting at the moment, and that I have a lovely au pair who just generally chit chats about her day with the person she's living with (fair enough).

What this thread has helped me with though, is being confident that I'm not a total penny-pinching witch, so I'll move forward happy in the knowledge that everyone is content for the moment. Your help and time on this is very much appreciated!!