ADVICE NEEDED: The long-running saga of the friend, the nanny and a frustrated MN'er!!

[Tiggus]

OK Ladies, sorry this is another long rant / advice seeking thread.

I have had a situation since my nanny started working for us, in that a friend in the village (only known her Post-Kids), started to make insensitive comments along the lines of, "Oh my DD doesn't know who you are anymore, she thinks nanny is your DS's Mum" OR "Oh your nanny doesn't do it like that / say that / to your DS, she does x / y/ z". Then she started asking nanny to help her on the odd occasion, then 10 days ago told me that I was mistreating nanny.

I managed to clear up conflict of interest with nanny,by discussing whether or not she wanted to do extra work for the other Mum (X) - nanny said no, she was happy financially and hours-wise.

We then cleared up that I wasn't mistreating her, and we had a very good conversation about how her job would progress, what she liked about it etc.

However, yesterday, X took nanny aside at Tumbletots and said that she wanted to find a resolution with her about DS's behaviour to her DD. Apparently, when me or nanny are out of the room during playdates (to go to the loo), but NOT activites, DS pushes her DD. But does this to no other children. X wanted to know "how we were going to resolve this" and that she wanted to be involve in the "process".

Both nanny and I discussed this at lunchtime, and felt that the best thing to do was to steer a wide berth as the prob was wider than this pushing, ie it was to do with X's relationship with us.

I got a call from X later that day asking me if I had "thought of a resolution yet to the bad vibes between my DS and her DD" (they are 21 months and 18 months respectively).

I was very friendly, apologised for any hurt / offence caused by DS's pushing and suggested that we no longer arrange playdates.

Problem solved? I hope so. BUT what I would like other MN'ers advice on is

1. has this sort of thing happened to you with your DS / DD?
2. I have since found out that X is bitching about me and nanny at groups etc. What do I do to counteract this or do I just ignore it and keep giong to groups and being friendly and cheerful and checking DS's behaviour?
3. In the village, X and I have been part of a trio friendship, ie we all had kiddies at the same time. SHould I call no 3 to explain my side of the story ?

BTW I am reassured by the amount of compliments I get on DS's behaviour by other Mums during playdates that he is NOT a "little monster".

It depends if there are many different groups for you to go to

Just or

IMHO

Or print out this thread and post to her

post crosssed

just stick with the ones you and DS like and have friends at

and just ignore her silly comments

and just through your teeth.

I wish I could do those link things I would paste a photo of Penelope Keith and her grinning teeth, rising above it all

If you and DS enjoy these "groups" - why should you move because of her?? - easier said than done.
I Think if it were me I would be tempted just to change one of the toddler groups on Wed or Thur - this will enable you to get to konw another group of people
Good Luck!!

Penelope Keith rising above it all!

Or even Jane Horrocks manning the reception at AbFab
at \link
{http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/abfab/gallery/4pic.shtml}

LOL www

damn mine didn't work!!!!!!

Do you mean here?

lol at that abfab photo!

Actually, if I had the time, I would type out and present a bullet-pointed, multi-coloured, underlined and bolded (word?), bound in a plastic wallet 'Resolution' and ask her to "take on board" your recommendations and organise "a window" to "take it forward robustly"

pmsl @ Tinker!

brill photos

through gritted teeth

go on you can do it

Read through this thread and have done the toddler/children's activities thing for 5 years now. I also live in a small place where everybody know everything and have a falling out with somebody. I thought she was a good friend and she broke some pretty important confidences. I just said hello and goodbye and left it at that. Didn't get drawn into conversations with her and eventually she got the message and left me alone. I also didn't talk to anybody else about her and made no negative comments about her or her life. My thinking was no fuel no fire but I was dammed if I was going to not see my friends and not do the things I wanted to do because of her. If worked and we leave each other alone. Hope this works or whatever you choose to do works for you.

LOL falling off my chair Tinker.

That AbFab photo is me All Over, as I hand the laminated plastic bulletin thingy to X.

MaryPop {{sigh}} this is what has to be done. It is Such A Bore.

Wish I'd never moved her sometimes . I might have been living in a big smelly urban place in a tiny flat, but at least none of my mates would ever have suggested that they be involved in "resolving" my DS's issues with their littlies!!

just read this - definitely agree with the consesnsus. She is bonkers, end that friendship pronto but don't abandon the groups you like, just smile through gritted teeth.

Can I just add something else, going back to the bonkers bit. Being very serious here, really try to avoid any situation where your ds is alone with this woman. If you have to leave him in a group (while yo got to the loo, for instance) and bonkerswoman happens to be around, make sure you ask another adult to watch your ds while you're gone. Never give her an opportunity to step in and cause trouble. It sounds like she has a bit of a thing about your ds, so be extra protective and watchful - there are some strange people out there.

Bad vibes between an 18 month old and a 21 month old? - she needs to get a grip! It's called being under 2.

Sorry I can't help you with the rest of it - but I think she is overeacting about the pushing thing.

I've been readin this but haven't posted. Just can't resist. Yes, bonkerswoman whose name I quite like is to be avaoided. Personallly, I think she's jealous that you have a nanny and she doesn't. I think this is why she's causing trouble. Not necessarily because she wants to steal her, but because she wants to ruin what you have because she can't have it. Maybe this is wrong, but it is certainly within the realm of possibilities.

Just maintain you other friendships in a positive light, and they will soon see who you are first hand.

Not sure if you are going to see this Uwila and other late posters, but yes, bonkerzwoman is definitely bonkers. I have been gamely going to groups, but so pleased that it has been Easter etc so haven't seen her at all - hurrah. She has now starting calling a friend of mine regularly, wanting to meet up, and gathering any snippets she can about my social life etc and dropping them into conversation with other people, as if we are great chums. 2 or 3 conversations have been started this week by the phrase,
"Bonkerzhormonalwoman told me that you were doing skydiving/insert activity last weekend ... "

What a bore. I was even considering moving back to my home town because at least I knew who all the busybodies there were!!