Should I let me nanny go?

[nordiclondonmum]

So as the title suggests, I would love some input on my current situation.

A bit of backstory: I have two kids, aged 10 months and just turned 2. I was lucky enough to have my sister-in-law helping me, but as the workload increased and with my return to work approaching, we decided to hire a nanny. It took a while, but we finally found someone, and she started at the beginning of December.

So far, things have been okay. I’ve noticed that my 2-year-old hasn’t fully warmed up to her, but I understand that this might just be her age, and I wanted to give it more time. There are also a few areas where we differ (discipline, for example), but I felt that with clear communication and time, we could work through those differences. The nanny does have many great qualities—she speaks my native language, manages well with both kids, and is generally attentive.

However, an incident on Friday has left me unsure about how to move forward. The nanny decided to take my 10-month-old to visit a friend, who is also a nanny, at a soft play center about an hour’s drive from our house. While we’ve agreed she can take the kids on outings, we live in central London, where there are plenty of baby classes and activities nearby.

That morning, I was out for a while, and when I returned, I checked the monitor to see if my son was napping. The nanny was in his room trying to settle him, but she was doing so quite forcefully. He was clearly distressed and didn’t seem sleepy. She continued to push him down into the cot—at one point even pressing his head—while telling him to go to sleep. She also said, “I haven’t had a moment for myself today.”

Eventually, she left him in the cot to cry and walked out. I don’t believe in the cry-it-out method, so after a few minutes, I went to get him. When the nanny came back, I asked if he had napped. She explained that he had fallen asleep in the car and that they then had napped together in the bed when they got home, but when she tried to transfer him to the cot, he wouldn’t settle, hence he had had enough sleep.

I brought this up with her that evening, and she was very apologetic, assuring me it wouldn’t happen again. However, I’m still struggling with the situation. I’m worried about going back to work, but it also took me so long to find someone I felt was a good fit. Should I trust her and continue to monitor, or is this a red flag I can’t ignore?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I remember speaking to nursery worker friend of mine when I was thinking about nursery. I said that lots of children must be so hard and frustrating all day because I was knackered with 1. She said it’s entirely different because it’s your job. You get a good nights sleep and come to work prepared. All you have to do is look after the children, you’re not trying to do anything else. Yes, you’re clearing up, preparing food, changing nappies but that’s all expected and planned for. Then you go home. It made me feel so much better because that makes sense. It’s their job and situation normal should be manageable.

I think it’s a hard job and non stop but it is a job and part of that is managing “not getting a minute to yourself”. So thinking about that, do you think she’s likely to improve or is this the pattern and the example you described just the worst of it?

How is taking a baby out to meet your friends sitting in a soft play area and chatting then driving home being run ragged for a professional childcarer?

Have you protected yourself with a probationary period , so that you can just say it is not working?
I would let her go based on what you have described , its not acceptable to hold a babies head down like this.

could you ever completely trust her after this?

She’s only been in the job since December so unlikely to be burnt out or run ragged.

I think it's important to listen to your gut feeling with childcare. Your gut is right here, this isn't OK. A childminder or nursery nurse settling their charge roughly and pushing their head down would be a massive red flag for Ofsted. It's not acceptable for a nanny either.

Or maybe she should be able to go out because that is what the nanny is for!

I feel like there’s a few flags here. She shouldn’t be driving for an hour to the soft play, this is for her, where is the benefit to your child? I’d also be unimpressed about the sleeping on the bed, why is she sleeping? The pushing baby down forcefully though is IMO a sackable offence

I don’t think it matters whether in probation period or otherwise roughly handling of a baby is instant dismissal. She would never cross the threshold of my house again. I’ve had 2 nannies across 3 children and I’ve never heard anything like this.

Thank you for all the replies. I didn’t expect so many responses, but I’m very grateful. Sometimes you just need a bunch of strangers on the internet to talk some sense into you.

I had a chat with her this morning, and as someone pointed out, since she’s only been here since December, we decided to end everything straight away. There were quite a few comments about other red flags, such as the hour-long drive and co-sleeping. I would say this is probably more on me and my management of expectations regarding what’s allowed and what isn’t. We did have an agreement that she was allowed to take the kids out, but we never clarified the specifics (I’ll make sure to be clearer next time).

Regarding the comment that she might be run down, I believe I’m very understanding when it comes to these things. I have two under two, and for most weekends, I have both of them by myself as my partner travels a lot for work. Believe me when I say I know how hard it can be. I would also be understanding if someone had been up all night taking care of a crying baby who refuses to sleep, but that wasn’t the case here. She knowingly took him out, fully aware that driving back would most likely disrupt his sleep and that he might not transfer easily to a cot.

My biggest issue is the lack of emotional intelligence to understand that you can’t force a baby to go back to sleep just because it suits your schedule. And, of course, the manner in which it was done. I’d also like to add that she started in December, had four days off at Christmas, and two days off over New Year’s, meaning she had only worked three days that week.

Anyway, I’m now on the lookout again, so if anyone has recommendations for nanny agencies, please let me know!

Glad you got rid of her

the pushing head down is a no go. End of

driving an hour is long way but if you didn’t say she couldn’t

I’ve always been given free range - but an hour drive for an hours play isn’t worth it but would if for a day at the beach iyswim

i would have sat in car while baby napped

i don’t believe all naps should be in the cot and good to learn to transfer but if had an hour ish they aren’t going to and will wake

I have a list of good agencies. Will find

where in London are you @nordiclondonmum

Daisy - silent night nannies

Tonya - Signature staff

Millsie - maternity nurse company

Katie /Nola - Eden

These 4 usually get my London based jobs

No. Get rid. Ex nanny and now mum. Saying she's not had a minute is part of life when you're a nanny and the baby won't care.

So glad you got rid, if she is acting like that already imagine what she might be like once she is more familiar. Always trust your gut.
I can recommend Greycoat Lumleys who sourced a temporary nanny for us last year. High quality staff.

It would be a no from me. No one pushes my distressed baby back into a cot