Childcare and working - WWYD?

[Wittyname10]

I've received lots of helpful advice here in the past and am coming to the wise sages of mumsnet for more help.

I work in a job that is seasonal, think 5 months of busy/on the phone/sales etc, 7 months of being relatively quiet, with spreadsheets and lots of desk-based work.

My wife and I have 2 kids, 2.5 yo boy and 4.5 year old girl. Daughter will be going to school in August - Scotland - and son will be starting nursery in February when he turns 3.

For various reasons we are now on to our third childminder in our rural setting. They are very limited in number and the ones we have fill up very quickly.

Current childminder who looks after my son had to give up caring for our daughter as she was having to do school runs of her own and sending over an hour each way dropping off/picking up my daughter and her kids, with my son spending way longer than she was happy with in the car.

I have been WFH on Mondays and Tuesdays so I can drop the kids off and pick my daughter up from nursery at 3pm, my wife picking up my son on her way home from work at 5pm.

When I get home at 3.10 with my daughter she has TV for an hour or so, and then busies herself with activities, colouring and painting or imaginative play etc.

I was called in to my line manager this morning to discuss the situation, as this WFH is not contracted, but has been something everyone has been doing since COVID. The company even consulted on hybrid working to assess how it was working for everyone and approved to continue the hybrid set up.

My situation was approved - unofficially - by my line manager who said if asked he cannot lie, but won't mention anything to senior managers.

I was told this morning it has been questioned, with a screenshot being sent of me appearing to be "away" (MS teams) for over an hour. I was not privvy to when this was but I could have been on my mobile/having lunch etc. The point is that there are times where I'm not active on Teams and sometimes maybe take a longer coffee break than I would at the office if I'm WFH when theres not a lot happening work-wise (this time of year is what we call the "dead zone" between sales ending and end of year things starting).

Now I should point out that when I WFH I am online usually an hour before I need to be to accommodate the school run, will respond to emails after working hours etc, so I'm trying to re-pay the company in terms of time because they are (were) accommodating my needs.

I was told this morning that a potential promotion in the next year is being reconsidered as I am perceived to not be flexible enough to do the job that is coming up. It will involve a lot of travel, and I'm being told that me needing to be at home for school runs 2 days a week inhibits my ability to do the job.

We will not be able to find any childcare options, wraparound care has cost us 2 childminders already and isn't really an option. Everyone is full, including the private nurseries around us.

Family are close to us, but it's unfair to expect them to step in for 2 days a week - particularly my BIL as they have 3 kids of their own so couldn't take their kids and ours to/from nursery/school in 1 run anyway.

My wifes parents are retired and are busy people, they already do a day per week of childcare for us as well as various bits and bobs of childcare for my BIL's 3 kids.

My parents are 80 miles away, so I'd be asking them to come through weekly to do about 8 hours of childcare over 2 days.

My wife is already working her minimum hours at work and cannot do any less than her 3.5 days per week.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to leave anything out.

My options are:

1 - I tell work I have explored every option and this is literally all I can do, accepting it will effectively rule me out of an opportunity that will not come around again in the next possibly 30 years and make do with hat I've got.

2 - I tell work I need more flexibility and if they cannot provide this I will be looking elsewhere.

3 - Place an unfair burden on my family in order to advance my career

4 - Ask my wife to look for a job that can allow her to drop more time, which we could just about manage financially, but she'd be dropping a whole day at work to pick up the kids at 3pm which seems total overkill.

5 - anything else?

This is a nightmare, so thank you for reading and contributing. All opinions welcome.

I assume the OP is a man because on other threads they've posted on they say things like "as a man...." or "30, male" etc.

I think you’re right to go for a combo of 1 and 2. It does sound like even if you don’t go for promotion, your employer are not happy with the WFH set up. I’d submit a formal flexible working request, as is your right, and see what they do. Without one aren’t you in breech of contract? I’d also look for another job.

For the avoidance of doubt, yes I am male.

And for what it’s worth I can actually empathise that it must be quite refreshing to see a man on the shitty end of employment/childcare issues!

That’s a good idea. What I don’t understand is if they’re unhappy with hybrid working why did they consult the staff on it and then confirm they were going to continue with the arrangement?

Is it hybrid working they are unhappy with, or childcare whilst WFH?

Also - if they are turning a bit of a blind eye to 4h of wfh whilst covering childcare, you probably do have to be spotless on not taking a longer lunch etc.

“I guess be a bit more sympathetic to the circumstances? I need them to be flexible for 4 hours a week which I’m being told is killing chances of promotion. “

But the issue isn’t 4h a week, is it? It’s that you need to be at pick up at 3pm 2 out of 5 days a week, which in a role that involves travel, presumably means you could do little or no travel on those days.

I would look into paying someone who can do the school runs for you on those days and brings the children home and stays with them. I don't know if this falls under an au pair remit or a babysitter. Are you on your local facebook? You could ask for solutions to this issue. A childminder looks after children in their home, a babysitter/nanny/au pair looks after a child in their own home. I know that some people need to add experience of working with children to their CV and do this alongside their studies but I live in a city so in your rural location this may be more difficult to source.

It does seem very shitty that the company has all of a sudden shone a spotlight on your performance which they didn't have an issue with before.

I think the issue is that hybrid working doesn’t mean you can dictate when you work from home and then not actually work at home but instead look after your children.

On a practical level, maybe you could find someone locally who could collect your daughter from school, bring her home and then stay with her until you or your wife finish work? This would be an ‘after school nanny’ type arrangement which doesn’t require the person to register with OFSTED like a childminder would. It may suit a semi retired person looking to make a little extra money. Or perhaps someone with a young child or their own who they could bring along.

It doesn't sound like they're unhappy with hybrid working though. They're unhappy because it looks like you're taking the piss and not working when they expect you to be working. They trusted you to WFH and you're off gallivanting around doing a workout or running and so on.

It's not hard to be slightly conscientious of the fact that WFH is monitored, and wiggle the mouse once every few minutes, unless you've literally walked away from your tasks. The entitlement here is astounding, why should they pay you (or promote you) when you can't be trusted to actually be ready to work when you're supposed to be?

Going running and taking long coffee breaks and all this other crap during the working day is what's killed it for you, you can't do that and the school run, you have to pick one and be utterly present and diligent the rest of the time!

I am always ready to work. Always. I have no doubt about that. If I’m not at my desk I have my headset on and my phone in my pocket, if not in my hand. If I choose to take my lunch break and go for a run then take my lunch at my desk that’s up to me.

It’s an idea my in-laws have floated because they did that when they were in a similar position us. However we are reasonably new here and don’t really know many people locally.

Do you not understand though that you can't expect to take a full lunch break AND do the school run?

It's fine to ask for flexibility but that doesn't mean you don't work your hours.

Being "ready to work" is not the same as working. I wfh and am at my desk during my working day. I look for areas i can improve during quiet times, develop processes etc.

Welcome to most working mothers drama. It's shit.

I would say option 2 is your best option. Can you not work through lunch and take your lunch break for school run?

I start an hour or so before my contracted start time which is 9, and log off often around 5:30/6 and will respond to email if they come through after that time to make
up any time I miss running the kids around. I should have maybe said that in my OP. I’ve even taken calls in the car while doing so. I do that because I want to feel like I’m not taking the piss and this was discussed with my line manager who said he was happy with that kind of set up.

I genuinely think I’m not taking the piss with the time. And that’s not taking in to account the nights away, driving time etc that extend my job beyond the usual hours. There is a lot of extra time I give to the company. It’s not a one way street of take take take.

put your career progression on hold until your children are in secondary school, as parents have done since careers were invented

Honestly the promotion vs childcare is something that millions of us have to deal with, regularly.

I’m very aware of that.

I had a situation that I’ve never come across before and thought I’d ask for some advice. Most of the people I’d normally go to are of a different generation where career came first, a job is a means to an end for me and I’m not that career focussed.

Yes but if you are working out/going for a run on your lunch break and then having lunch at your desk thats more time that you arent actually fully working.
I'm not sure of the exact nature of your role but having head set on and being available for calls whilst doing stuff is not the same as actually doing work.

It sounds to me like you are asking for too much. Looking after children whilst wfh, going out to do the school run, working out/gym during your lunch.
If your manager is raising this you need to listen to them and acknowledge that they've given you as much flexibility as they can. Its not just about being green on teams, maybe they have noticed your performance is lacking overall.
I have Dc 7 at school and Dc3 at nursery and I hybrid work. I don't do the school run when i am wfh, daughter goes to breakfast and after school club even on my wfh days and dc3 goes to nursery on days I am wfh.

It’s a commercial and sales role. It’s widely accepted in the industry that we have peaks and troughs and those troughs are very very quiet whereby we can have staff effectively working part time for half the year.

I frequently raise with my manager that I’ve nothing to do, literally nothing. And I regularly get told to not worry about it. So my direct feedback from my line manager is that if there’s nothing to do then so be it. We make it up in the busier periods.

The nursery are 9-3 with no after school club facility/breakfast club etc.

Also - what’s the issue with working out during a lunch break? It’s my time to spend as I wish. It’s a break that I’m not paid for, it’s my time.

I don’t think there’s any issue with you working out in your lunch break, but then you also eat lunch at your desk (so not 100% focussed on work), take longer coffee breaks, do the school run then your dd is at home and must sometimes need attention. You need to see this from your employers view, you aren’t having your full attention on work and they are already being very flexible allowing you to do this. They are saying you can continue, but you won’t be able to have the promotion which will require more focus and time in the office and travelling. That’s fair enough really. You should sit down with your wife and discuss the options, what does she think? Is she willing to drop her career further so you can go up in yours, or would it be better for you to carry on. In the job you’re in and look for promotion when you have less childcare needs.

If being “away” from teams is the only issue they’ve raised, I’d question it. If they have issues with your performance, work quality, ability to get hold of you when needed etc that would be different.

I’ll often show “away” on teams as I want time to think a problem through (the old fashioned way with a notebook!) or have printed a document off to read to have a break from looking at a screen. Fortunately where I work doesn’t measure performance on who is active on teams the most.

That being said, most companies are clear you can’t work from home and be looking after young children. You should be looking to formalize your arrangement with a flexible working request so you can either work 7am-3pm on Mon/Tues or use your lunch break time to pick up the kids and then have childcare at home.

The promotion sounds like it’s still a while away - can you just say that your childcare arrangements will be different next year and you don’t want to rule yourself out of any opportunities? You’ve then got 6-12 months to figure out the childcare, or decide it’s not the right option for your family.

You really have my sympathy OP, as do all parents of young children who are trying to juggle childcare and work.
I think you choose your words carefully. You explain that you take your job seriously, you always put in effort to fulfil your role to a high standard. You want to progress your career with promotion if possible and if the right opportunity can be found. You also have family responsibilities for young children and hybrid working suits you at this time. You would not be able to agree to unlimited travel in addition to working hours and/or staying away from home etc due to childcare duties, you would need some flexibility or influence over this. So depending on what they believe are the requirements of the promotion role, it may not be possible for you at the moment. Keep it positive and reasonable.
Then reassess the situation in say three years time when both children are at school and you and your wife can see what working patterns etc are doable. You have enough on your plate, I’m not sure it’s worth shaking everything up by for example trying to change your wife’s job right now.
Always good to keep your CV up to date and be aware of job opportunities with other firms but don’t leap out of frying pan into the fire if your current job is overall ok at the moment.