My Nanny is so superior ...

[jonquil]

I feel as though I am in an impossible situation at the moment. We moved home back in September and found a nanny for our two children who started in October. We thought she was marvellous to begin with .. fully qualified, went to one of the best nanny schools, well educated, full of energy. She is now turning out to be my worst nightmare and not at all like the nanny we had in London.

Our new nanny drives our girls EVERYWHERE clocking up mileage at 40 p per mile .. and taking it upon herself to buy things we "need" at Tesco all the time and presenting us with a nice £40 bill at the end of the week.

I can forgive that as I just need to be stronger on that (even though she makes me feel very mean for telling her to cut it out).

My main concern is that she is just so superior. Everything I say, she has been there, done it, knows better than me on everything. If I tell her my younger daughter has had a bad night, it's "because she has 16 teeth and the molars are trying to push through". My eldest daughter now apparently has IBS and we shouldn't be allowing her to suffer by giving her her current diet (full of fruit and veg and really healthy stuff).

It's driving me insane and I find that instead of telling her I think she's being patronising and superior, I bottle it all up and take it out on husband!

Sorry to ramble, but has anyone else experienced something similar?

Tricky. She presumably feels she's just sharing her knowledge with you which would generally be a good thing in an employee. But you obviously feel as though she's trying to correct you in some way. It's going to be very hard to tell her not to make these comments as they are intended to be helpful I suppose.

I don't have anything helpful to say, so I realise my post is completely pointless. Just wanted to sympathise really. If she doesn't "fit" with you, it's never really going to work I guess, regardless of her eduction and qualifications.

she sounds keen and maybe doesn't realise she comes across as more superior?

Is she quite old or still relatively young? Sometimes when a younger nanny says something it sounds superior but older nannies know how to phrase it more diplomatically.

I don't have anything to say either really, but sometimes it's just a case, as southeastastra says, of sounding keen but not realising how she's saying it.

Have you tried having a chat with her and saying you find her attitude difficult?

Well, she's mid 30s and married and been doing this job for 16 years. I suspect everyone is right though. She's just keen and wants to impress. Trouble is I really don't need that... stressful job and don't need to be made to feel as though I am failing at being a mother (which I already feel because I leave them with someone to go out to work).. Anyway, thanks for all your advice. Think I just need to rise above it.

If I were you, I would focus on the concrete things you can do first, re telling her you're getting an internet order for foodstuffs and you don't need her to go to Tesco and presenting her with a list of activities locally you want the kids to do and asking her what supplies she needs to do things at home - arts and crafts, etc to cut back on car usage. I htink if you assert your authority in these areas, and it works,and you feel more in control, it may make the other stuff less grating?!

The IBS thing is very annoying, that's not just sharing her knowledge, which a good nanny might do about areas of development, she's playing amateur pediatrician.

For the advice giving, I would not reply to some it. Honestly, make like the Queen and just let it wash over you. I realise this is easier said than done. With the specific medicial stuff, I htink you need to say, thanks for your htoughts, but to be honest we're relying on her doctor for guidance on anything like that. She will get the idea.

Our first nanny had firm views on things - calpol usage, private vs state schooling, etc. that she used to sound off on, drove me nuts.

To help with a couple of the issues...
As a nanny, I like being out and about. My employer was not so keen on this (as it would mean high mileage fee), so we resolved it by not doing the mileage payment as per-mile, but instead a fixed weekly amount - £10. It is then my choice if I travel more mileage than that covers and it's at my cost. This suits me fine, as I'd rather not be constrained - but instead go to places which are of interest to the children at that particular time... be it a castle, seaside, woodland, aquarium etc.

Buying things you need, hmm could be tricky. I do that occasionally at work, such as when breakfast supplies run low. But I use the weekly kitty for that. So instead of paying for things AFTER they have been brought, have a weekly kitty, which nanny can use for activities and misc supplies (extra flour/eggs for baking cakes for example).

What's IBS?

I wouldn't dream of saying "because she has 16 teeth and the molars are trying to push through". I just say things like "do you think she may be teething?" Less threatening I feel.

Not all nannies in their 30's are like your's, some are like me

Dont for get me too , except Im 43 (yikes ) LOL

At a guess I would say Irritable Bowel Syndrome!

Which, as it is generally stress related, would be unusual in a young child.

Sympathies for situation.

Should she be inferior, then?

Sorry ... I don't get nannies at all. I don't understand why anyone would want one.

Yes - we had very similar situation with our nanny. You really have to nip it in the bud, but my guess is you need a new nanny. I think this happens when nanny's get jaded, and often, when they've worked for a mum/family who sucked up this kind of know it all crap and looked to the nanny as some kind of childcare goddess. My nanny truthfully had been there and done that with so many babes, that she forgot somehow to see my DC's as individuals, rather than carbon cut outs of her previous charges. I think she was bored with nannying, but also hung up on the power it gave her, especially amongst the first time SAHM's at the toddler groups etc, who hung upon her every world, and asked her advice about everything (attributing my DD's great behaviour, eating habits etc to my nanny, not to me and DH - GRRRRRRR, but that's another thread). She obviously thought I would be the same - I wasn't, and in the end, we had to go our separate ways (though confess I took a cowards way out when terminating her employment).

desiderata, that sounds like another thread...[restrains self]

And I'm trying to restrain myself too.

Yes Desi - go and post under AIBU to think that mothers who employ nannies are all nutters who want the benefit of experience but don't want to feel maternally cuckolded in their own home. Me and choosey will take front row seats.

Well, like they say, you can't have it all ways.

ah come on des, some people have them coz they work long hours.

i have one coz... i had pnd and could afford support so i got some. im almost always about, but now have the freedom to get out if i want, knowing the dc are taken care of. and she does the kids washing and tidies their room.

if you could afford that, you wouldnt take it? and even if not, can you seriously see any harm in others doing so?

jonquil - I had a nanny for a year who was not disimilar. we disagreed on, amongst other things, whether dd2 needed to drop a nap and she made very clear that she thought I was wrong and she was right. forget the fact that she was my sodding daughter, that I spent 4 days plus evenings nights with her a week with and was a mum of 2. nanny knew better [cross]. she was one of those people who always knows - just like your teeth example - never presented opinions, ideas, or suggestions. her word was gospel. and it drove me round the bend.

Not sure if you can see where this thread is going...I have to confess that as a non-confrontational type I let things go, and eventually communication broke down irrevocably. and nanny - thankfully -resigned. it wasn't a bad thing! we found a lovely new nanny - dds were happy. I was happy.

there are some good ideas here for improving things. and - because you can't sack her for being annoying and superior - I don't think you have much choice but to try them. if it doesn;t work you'll have to think very carefully what your options are. you'd have to go the incompetence route (do you have a contract - standard route is verbal and written warnings) if you did want to sack her, or you could make her reduntant - which would involve using a new type of childcare - you wouldn;t be able to replace her (not legally anyway)

It's really difficult - you have my sympathy by the shedload - but try the positive things people have suggested and maybe it'll all come out in the wash. good luck.

OP - sounds like ytou need to brainstorm all the things you dont like, come up with alternative ways of doing things , nannynicks solutions sound great, and have A Chat with her.

and if she still makes you feel like crap, then you need to fire her and get someone who is a better fit for you and your family. having somebody work in your home and with your children is a v personal thing imo, you need to get along.

at "that I spent 4 days plus evenings nights with her a week with and was a mum of 2" what manner of grammar is that? must not cut and paste. must read through before posting...

Yes Desi, you can. The next nanny we got was GRRRREEAAT, just like Tony The Tiger. Like all good employees, it's about communication skills with nannies. Two people can have the same ability level, but if one isn't a good communicator, or people person, in a people based industry, they just wont' get on as well or be as good at their job as the other - simple really.

well, to be fair, you can't hire someone intelligent and lively and immediately expect them to be humble and subservient.

Is it perhaps (trying to be diplomatic here) that her excessive competence is making you feel incompetent? Of course you're not, and I'm sure she isn't trying to make you feel like this, but some people like to give a job their all.

at someone so blinkered they don't "get" nannies.

hat restrains herself from furtehr response because that is another thread and jonquil's perfectly reasonable question shouldn't be hi-jacked.

But colditz, a good nanny completely knows that a major part of her job is to compliment the care of the parents, and it's totally acceptable for an employer to expect a nanny to be able to put over her experience in a way that doesn't undermine the parents. Also, nanny is in a service industry, and you know what they say, the customer is always right, so if a nanny realised the OP felt very strongly that the nap they discussed should be kept, or dropped then she should have backed down and been more tactful. You shouldn't confuse a nanny with Mary Poppins, who is paid to sweep into another person's home and tell them what they are doing wrong. They are there to run things how the parents ask, and to give advice when asked, and when on duty, to act to best of their knowledge.

BTW - hope your throat lurgy is better

Sycamore makes mental not to exercise better thread etiquette in manner of Hatwoman