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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

The AP's Boyfriend!!!!

46 replies

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 11:43

Hasn't happened yet,...but it's coming and I want to be prepared!
AP has met a bloke on Facebook (!!!!!!!!)
He lives in London, 29, Irish.
She went to London last week to meet him for the 1st time.
He came to Kent this weekend and they met in Canterbury.
She's gonna ask if he can stay very soon I think, probably this weekend!
She's in the granny flat,... would you let him stay?

OP posts:

jura · 04/02/2008 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branflake81 · 04/02/2008 14:02

I think she should be allowed to have him stay over. She is 24 after all, quite old enough to make mature decisions.

Why don't you have him round for dinner? That way you can get to know him a bit better. Who knows, he might love your kids and you could get 2 au pairs for the price of 1!

madamez · 04/02/2008 15:03

She is 24 years old, not 14. What makes you think she is less capable than you of deciding whether or not someone she wants to date is safe or suitable? Would you treat your own daughter like that when she is 24?

jura · 04/02/2008 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovespring · 04/02/2008 16:47

MADAMEZ, because an unknonw stranger is in your property.

you seem very chilled out on this post but when it come to foreigners........

blueshoes · 04/02/2008 17:44

Ingles2, it is part of my house rules for au pairs that I insist on being introduced to all girlfriends they bring home for the first time. And I do not allow any male friends under my roof, introduction or not - I explicitly state that this is for the safety of my children. I can see how this might lead to an interesting debate about the assumption that men have a baser nature ...

That being said, if the aupair shows herself to be reliable and has a long term boyfriend, I might be prepared to allow him around after meeting him first. I certainly will not allow casual friends she met on the internet. Even if long term boyfriend, I am still a bit about sleepovers. Although her room is in the back of the house, it is next to the bathroom ...

BTW, one of the questions I have before I hire an aupair is whether she has a boyfriend.

A granny flat might be more private but so long as there is access to the main house, the safety rules still apply.

NiftyNanny · 04/02/2008 20:01

I think your mind will be made up once you've met him. Would it be possible to have him over one lunchtime / dinner time without him spending the night? Then you'd get a feel for whether or not he was trustworthy.

I completely understand your concerns about her having him over to stay - I think how they met is the icing on the cake, you have a right to meet anyone that'll be spending the night in your house with your possessions..... at least she is meeting him elsewhere while she is still unsure, she doesn't sound THAT naive.

HarrietTheSpy · 04/02/2008 21:07

I'm struggling to believe anyone who lives in to work - AP, live-in nanny, whoever - (even, say a lodger) wouldn't assume that their employers, whose house it is, are entitled to exercise some discretion over who stays in their home as a house guest. It's one of the downsides to being live in, for sure, but having a room in your employers house or even a granny flat, is just NOT the same as renting a flat from someone and you can't expect to have the same sort of freedom. I would feel entitled to vet someone the girl met randomly - male or female - before putting them up. It sounds like you're being pretty fair overall - you said she regularly has other visitors. A blanket no visitors would be really harsh, but a wait and see with random bloke - totally fine.

MrsRecycle · 04/02/2008 21:13

We had to sack an AP because her bf stayed the night without approval. But we have had an AP before whose bf stayed the whole week with her and dds at our holiday home (on their own) and my dds still talk about it now. But he is a lovely lad and the sacked AP's bf wasn't so savoury. So I guess I'm saying you need to meet the bf first as everyone is different.

Original poster

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 21:24

Thanks for all your replies ladies.
Boyfriends are definitely a problem when it comes to AP's. Last Czech AP had an awful boyfriend , unemployed, spent all day in pub, I constantly had kind ( ) folk in the village telling me what he / she was up to. But it was never a problem cos she lived in the house, in the room next to ds's and my answer was a definite no. We refurbished the flat to give the AP's more freedom but then as someone (Weegle I think) said I don't want random people around. I think I'll say no for the moment, but will talk again if relationship starts getting serious and she wants to introduce us to him. Maybe in another ...year... I'm joking! honest!

OP posts:

madamez · 04/02/2008 21:26

Given that most of the men a 24-year-old girl is likely to date are not actually either theives or a threat to children (probably the worst the average young male guest would do would be either to finish off the milk or do a big smelly poo in the loo and make the bathroom pong), and that the AP is living in a flat with separate access, I still think the OP is being excessively controlling of another adult here. If the au pair had a room in the family house it would be a bit more reasonable to ask to be introduced, at least, to potential overnight guests as the host family are likely to encounter them, but if this new boyfriend is going to be able to visit and depart without ever seeing the host family, then it really isn;t their business.

Original poster

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 21:31

Madamez ...it really is quite condescending to not talk directly to me you know....
We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. After all I know the ins and outs of my set up here and as the majority agree, I'll settle for that.

OP posts:

HarrietTheSpy · 04/02/2008 21:38

only "a bit more reasonable - if the au pair had a room in the house?" Hmmm...I just don't get it, I really don't. As an exchange student, I lived in people's houses regularly and I wouldn't have dared bring someone home to stay - even someone back for tea - without checking it's okay. An AP is not different - it's just a basic consideration.

MrsRecycle · 04/02/2008 21:41

I agree Harriet - it's about respect, she respects your home and you respect her right to a boyfriend but you have to balance the two - a very hard thing to do.

blueshoes · 04/02/2008 21:44

madamez, do you hire aupairs?

If so, you must surely know that the hiring process for an aupair, however much time and effort one invests in it, is far from perfect. You can despite your best efforts end up with nutters or even thieves, as many mnetters will attest.

I wish I could be so sanguine as you about a 24 year old's boyfriend. But seeing that I would not fully trust the vetted aupair herself when she first arrives, why should I trust a male person she brings home whom I have never met or spoken to or know from Adam?

Original poster

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 21:50

Well said blueshoes

OP posts:

Divastrop · 04/02/2008 21:51

i am and reading this,as i didnt realise so many people judged men who meet women online like this!

i must say,when i was 29 and a single mum,i did wonder what on earth an attractive 22 year old man would be after,but i let said man come round to my house,while my youngest dc were there,anyway,having only chatted to him online for a couple of weeks and spoken on the phone once.what was i thinking??!!

back to the op..i would go with meeting him first before deciding about him staying the night personally.

Original poster

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 21:52

And.. If I had a 24 yr old dd she wouldn't be allowed to bring back any old tom dick or harry she'd just met either!

OP posts:

madamez · 04/02/2008 21:53

INgles - sorry, just replying fast, couldn;t remember who said what. BLueshoes, no I don't hire aupairs, can't afford to and haven;t got the space.

Original poster

ingles2 · 04/02/2008 22:05

That's ok
From the vehemence of your reply I thought you had.
I think the majority of Mnetters who have had AP's will agree it's really hard to give an AP enough freedom within the boundarys of what is acceptable for your family. AP's agree to be part of the family in return for the security that provides whilst they learn the language etc.etc. BUT a lot of Mnetters, me included, have learnt the hard way that not all AP's are trustworthy and neither are all young men!

OP posts:

frannikin · 04/02/2008 22:42

Even as a live-in nanny I wouldn't expect to bring back a random bloke I'd only just met - granny flat or not. If it was more serious then I might ask, but if my employers said no then as far as I'm concerned it's their house...

So I don't see why it's different for your AP.

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