How to make unpaid mat leave fair with DP?

[Fairpay]

Hi all, I have a 5 month old DS (first child) with my DH. We have similar jobs with similar pay - he earns about 10% more than me but followint my next pay review shortly that gap may narrow.

I’m on mat leave at the moment and get 6 months paid, 3 months SMP and 3
months unpaid.

We jointly own the house and pay the mortgage 50/50 though I own a greater share for now as I contributed more of the deposit. All bills are split 50/50 from our joint account.

My question is - for those with DPs and children, what arrangements did you make during mat leave to make the unpaid bit fair? Should we say he’s saving £X per month on childcare and so shoud give me the equivalent amount, or half of that? Or he should pay my share of the mortgage and bills for three months? And so increase his share of the house more quickly during that period?

I appreciate this depends in part on the sums involved, but I’m interested to get a sense of what other people did.

FWIW, this isn’t a situation where he is unwilling to pay! I read so many posts about crap partners like that on here. He is very much a 50/50 parent and wants to do what’s right and fair, but we can’t quite work out what that looks like!

Thank you!

We are a one pot family.

I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

We don't pool our income. I was raised by a single mum and always taught not to do that, she learned it the hard way. We figured out what fraction of his income I was earning (about a third I think) and so I paid a third of the bills. We pay bills from a joint account, each putting in our share of the total needed and keeping whatever income we have left. I have my own savings. I feel very strongly that women should have full control of their own finances and would always advise against pooling all income.

We keep our finances split but we'll share the money so if he's getting 2000 and I'm getting 600 he'll give me 700 to make us both 1300 then we'll each 50:50 all the bills and add the same amount to a joint account for joint spends like on baby.

Also, we're sharing parental leave and he'll end up taking the unpaid part, I earn 2500 so I'll be giving him 1250 a month for those 2 months

Pool all Of ur money from now on. Everything goes into a pot and u take out the same amount of pocket money each. When ur Married and there's kids, there shouldn't be any you and him during Mat leave.

It is a ridiculous concept "to make it fair". He isn't paying childcare right now, either. And you are married.

@dontyoubother thats unfair if say he earns 3k and you earn 1k with £1800 bills you would be left with £400 and him £800.

@justanotherlaura sounds like you have worked it out more equally.

Had to post on here as we are not poolers (which I now gather is highly irregular!). All very specific to our own circumstances, but 1st maternity I was bread winner and had amassed significant savings, so i just paid my own way from that including 50% of mortgage, bills etc. By the time of 2nd mat leave, he was the breadwinner (ain't it funny what a child can do to a woman's career?!) so he now covers all the big bills, except the food bill and I cover food, childcare (which isn't that much as I'm very part time), entertainment etc (basically all the fun stuff). We do consider everything to be shared and I have to remind him to let me contribute more sometimes when he has literally no spending money of his own, but it works for us. Frankly I think our marriage is much more harmonious without him knowing how much I'm spending on coffees and moisturiser!
For those who have a properly joint account (I.e. total visibility on all of each others transactions), genuinely interested to know how you do surprise gifts etc? Do you have to pay for it in cash, or ask them not to look at the bank account in the lead up to an anniversary or something?

All our money went into the joint account, then an amount was transferred to each of our sole accounts for personal spend/savings. All household spend came from our joint account.

I'm in the NHS and spreading my mat pay across the year. Husband will be paying all the household and personal bills (basically his whole salary) and my mat pay (approx £1100) will be 'fun' money and savings.

We have a joint account and personal spending, but we do it the opposite to you. We have all income go into the joint account, then we both take an equal amount of "spending money" for frivolous things out once we have sorted bills, savings etc. So it doesnt matter who earns less, we both get the same spending amount for whatever we fancy. It varies based on what we can afford, its been £20 a week, its been £80. We see ourselves as an equal team, and as both being deserving of an equal "share", so even though I am now a SAHM I still get equal personal, frivolous, spending money to my DH.

Likewise. So easy and fair.

DH and I live quite happily both putting £1400 into joint account each and from the joint account all household bills are paid. If I want to treat my sister to lunch out I pay out of my own account. If he wants to go out or buy a gift he does so from his account. It works for us. We have roughly the same income per month. I think that is why it works. I am more frugal than DH though and so my savings are higher. I tend to be more generous with family gifts than he is with his family. He is generous with me and DC though. I would not be comfortable not having total control over my own money, and I blame my ex for that.

Following along OP.

Currently in my unpaid portion.

I split my mat pay for the year ÷ 12 so kept some back in the early months to cover this period.

Essentially I just don't have the cash in my account now so I just take as needed from the joint account if it's say food, day to day or baby expenses. Treats come from my savings/ personal account.

We don't pool all our money either. I guess our stance on this may need to change when we start paying nursey fees as my wages going back part time will be less than half our bills + half childcare. I really won't even have any money for a coffee in my account etc. Pointless, but at the same time can't afford not to go back as I'm the higher earner (or was!).

Counting down the days until the free hours kick in at 3.

If you won’t just pool your money, he should pay you half of your lost earnings for the entirety of your maternity leave, not just during the time you have no income at all. The reduction in income should be equally felt.

As loads of others have said, you’re overthinking this hugely if you’re married.

Bulk of salaries into joint account for joint spending & saving. Equal disposable spending money each per month in your own personal accounts.

Like many others, you do it from a different viewpoint.
Your salaries go into the joint account (with your child benefit) and you set up a standing order after pay day so that you each have the same amount of spending money each month.
You can get your nails done and go for lunch and he can have his golf lessons. Then you both will have your own money for if you want to buty the other a present and so forth.
But all of that comes after your essentials.....mortgages / Council Tax , regular and irregular bills, savings agreed, food, petrol, things for your dc, childcare once that starts etc.
At any point when one of you isn't earning, it is still family money as it always has been, and you make joint decidions about cutting back on the savings or the fun money or even what has been seen as the regular bills, together, whoever isn't earning at that point. It might be another maternity leave, it might be extended sick leave or leave after an accident, or it might be a change of career or anything. You have no idea where you life will take you, but you do it as a family.

Agree with lots on here, we pool our money in the joint account and take out the same amount each for personal spending so we don’t feel guilty/can buy presents etc. We have each earned more than the other in the past and we have varied how much we take out if we were saving for a house deposit etc

@spanishsummers Why is fairness a ridiculous concept in this context? We’re trying to make sure that I’m not penalised for taking leave to take care of our baby, but I also don’t want free rein with his money to spend as I please.

And despite what some PPs have said, I do see it as “his” money, just like I still have “my” money. We got married - we didn’t morph into the same person. I don’t see why some people think we need to pool everything? I’m not sure that “because you’re married” is a good enough reason these days.
We’re building a life together, pooling together what we need in order to do so. Neither of us was financially incentivised to get married - the money that the other has is irrelevant to our marriage. It’s interesting that some people here see the total joining of all assets as a crucial part of the marriage. For me that feels a little outdated. It doesn’t make us any less married that I can’t get my nails done using money from his salary. (I don’t know why I keep using that example.. I haven’t had my nails done in months!)

I also agree with some other PPs - I think it’s important for there to be some clarity (in the hopefully unlikely event of divorce) around what each of us has earned and contributed to our family spending, and how much we each spend on ourselves outside of that (being whatever is left in the individual accounts after joint spending is transferred out).

I’ve wandered off the original point - sorry! Really interesting reading other views though; as I think I assumed most people did it the way we do. I’m going to have to ask some friends IRL for their views too!

It’s all just family money here. None of it is his or mine. All our spending comes out of one account. If we want a bigger purchase for hobbies or whatever, we just discuss it first.
Life is too short to work out who owes what to whom, but we do have a similar attitude to money and it’s one thing we’ve never argued about.

@caringcarer I could have written this myself, with the exception of the ex bit - sorry to hear that. I agree that part of the reason our approach works is probably because we earn a similar amount. Even if we had pooled all our money, we’d still wind up with the same amount of disposable income each. It would have been unnecessary admin to pool everything. Which is why the comments about “overthinking” this or making it unnecessarily complicated make me smile - we’ve done zero thinking about it so far and kept things simple by just opening a joint account when we moved in together a few years back!

Of course, now I’m on mat leave but also looking at a possible pay disparity between us (with me the higher earner) in a few years time, we both need to think things through a bit more.

And despite what some PPs have said, I do see it as “his” money, just like I still have “my” money. We got married - we didn’t morph into the same person. I don’t see why some people think we need to pool everything? I’m not sure that “because you’re married” is a good enough reason these days.
We’re building a life together, pooling together what we need in order to do so. Neither of us was financially incentivised to get married - the money that the other has is irrelevant to our marriage. It’s interesting that some people here see the total joining of all assets as a crucial part of the marriage. For me that feels a little outdated. It doesn’t make us any less married that I can’t get my nails done using money from his salary. (I don’t know why I keep using that example.. I haven’t had my nails done in months!)

Because, for me, that was part of the whole decision to get married - that we were committed to one another "til death us do part, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer" etc. Whether you used traditional word or completely different vows - what are the vows about if not about fairness and kindness and love in your relationship? We've had all sorts of different times in our marriage - including maternity leave but also including one not earning when they were studying, one not earning when they had cancer, one starting earning considerable less and ending up earning considerably more, but never, during any of those times did the one who wasn't earning (or was earning less) think they had any less access to the family money, and never did the one who at that time was earning more at any time think the other person didn't have equal access to that money. When times were tough, we both went without treats. When times have been more comfortable, were both had the same money to treat ourselves. Because - although 2 separate people, we made a commitment to be a lifelong partnership. I could no more enjoy spending treat money if my dh didn't have any than he would for me.

Your OP is needlessly complicated.

it’s easy.

you have children and a mortgage.

all money goes into one pot!

Hi OP. I'm sort of in the same position. My daughter is 3 months. I get 3 months full, 3 months half, and 3 months SMP then I go back to work. I earn significantly more than DP however it's always been 50/50. We're lucky enough to not have loads of outgoings and DP can pick up as much overtime as possible. With me now going on to 50% pay, it will still be 50/50 however leaving me with much less. My DP said his money is mines and he'll transfer me it whenever need be. We've always been good like that with each other. I wouldn't hesitate to ask if I needed it as it will be for household items and baby stuff! Xx

I should note that we don't own a house yet (saving) and aren't married. Once we get engaged and buy a house we will combine accounts. Don't feel the need to just yet, although we may as well as we're transferring money to each other all the time for bills and shopping etc! Xx

@Kite22 - that’s a really good point about not knowing where life will take us, eg sick leave. We’ll need to give that some thought.

One thing has occurred to me and I say it nervously as I doubt it’ll make me popular, but I think it does make a difference that we are fortunate enough to be higher than average earners. My monthly mortgage payment is approx 1/5 of my monthly net salary (same for him) and we are lucky that we do have money left at the end of the month for savings / frittering (but generally savings).

So it’s a massive first world problem of course, but saying we will pool and split all disposable income feels like quite a big deal! I would hope that he would never be cavalier with the money I earn (particularly as I regularly work 60-70 hour weeks to earn it!) but I guess it makes me a little more protective of my income or something? I’ve slogged my guts out for quite a while to get my salary and I guess I like to put my money into my piggy bank and either save for a rainy day or treat myself. He also doesn’t need my money for his own treats as he has his own.

Not expecting sympathy there of course but wondering if that might be a partial explanation for my thinking and our approach.