Nursery or nanny

[Sassa]

Are we holding our children back in terms of social skills if we have a nanny instead of sending them to nursery? Is nanny plus playscheme a good compromise?

Sassa,
We opted for a nanny as i went back to FT work when DD was 6 months old (she is now 4 and i also have a DS who is 20 months). It was really more because it suited us - i need live-in as i am at the office by 7-730 and don't get home until 6/630 and DH broadly the same hours. But even if our hours could accommodate it, we wanted our child to spend most of her day in OUR home. Have the naps when i want them to so they are not overtired when i get home (the 6 or 7 times or so i used a nursery for emergency care which was paid for by the company i worked for then, i found that my 7-8 month old had 40 minute naps instead of 2 hours) We signed her up to tumble tots, music class and playgroup so we know that 3 out of 5 days they will definitely be out and about and gives the nanny a chance to meet other carers and organise playdates etc. Also, we knew we were going to have more than 1 child so once another one came along, it would be more cost effective. (Though now we have nanny + private fees for my DD, not very cost effective anymore, but hey ho).

When i come home, our current nanny would show us artwork they have done in the day (example: dried leaves picked up from the common where they went for a walk stuck on paper with lots of glittery things around), or there will be tupperware full of cookies/flapjacks which they have baked. The kitchen is already immaculately clean, the kids have been fed and bathed, and my DH and I come home to spend an hour and a half with the kids before bedtime just either playing with them or reading to them. Typically, she has also peeled potatoes and warmed up oven so it doesn't take me too long to prepare food. She then stays for 10-15 minutes downstairs to take me through the day and then she goes upstairs, and i don't see her till the next afternoon though clearly we talk/send texts throughout the day. Sometimes she makes big batches of food on Thurs and Fri and puts in freezer so i don't have to cook too much on weekend. THe kids loove her but she never tries for one second to usurp our position - and therefore the kids don't have any problems transitioning to us at night or in the weekend.

Ooooh, i think i went on far too much there. I guess i'm trying to paint you the relative calm we have at home because we are with a terrific nanny (who would be the last person to tell you she is a great nanny - i quite like humility too) - i don't think i could have achieved this at a nursery.

But if your hours permit, and you find a nursery that has been highly recommended, i am sure that would work out too.

It depends, ultimately, on what is most important for you, your partner and your child/ren.

Because I went back to work ft when ds1 was only 6 months old there was no way I was going to leave him in a nursery. I wanted him to have one-to-one care in his own home.

At the outset we couldn't afford a nanny on our own, so we shared - but the nanny was based in our house. Additional benefit here was that ds1 had a ready-made companion!

I'm sure there are good nurseries just as I'm sure there are bad nannies (and, of course, vice versa) but you have to decide what you feel happiest with.

You need to be able to know that when you walk out of the front door you can switch immediately into your work role, and don't have to worry about what your child/ren are doing until you get home.

Whatever you decide will be right, because it will be on the basis of what suits your family.

Page62 - sounds like you have a great arrangement with your nanny - you must be a brilliant employer to have someone like that who is concerned about the well-being of the whole family and does what she can to make sure everyone's life runs smoothly. Well done you .

Anna8888, Thanks! I do feel very lucky to have found her and do try our very best to treat her as well as possible. We may not be paying top dollar (in fact, the agency told me she turned down a competing offer with more money because she was interviewed by the mum's PA whilst the mum was there and she just felt she wouldn't feel too welcome there). I don't know how to put it -- she is part of the family without being in our face (IYSWIM) so great on the whole privacy thing and obviously really good with the children.

I know this may sound a bit weird, but it's actually very important to me that she's a nice person - she's humble, self-effacing (i suppose that's the same thing), non-judgemental etc- and i like that my children are someone like that during the day - it sets a good example.

Long may it continue!!

It sounds as if your personality and the personality of the nanny suit one another well, and that she'd rather be an emotionally valued part of your household than get more money somewhere where she isn't as appreciated .

That would be a plus point for a nanny in my book - you can choose your nanny, you can't necessarily choose your nursery staff.

Also you're more likely (but obviously I'm generalising) to find a more mature and experienced nanny than you are to find a room of mature, experience nursery nurses because the vast majority of nursery nurses I've met have been under 21 and newly qualified (DCE/BTEC) or still in training (NVQ/similar).

Thanks all. I think I'll stick to my nanny who is wonderful with our 11 month old and also has lots of paintings etc for us to see when I get home. It's nice that son is changed and fed when i get in so i can do quality read, bed and bath time. I think I will stick to my nanny and just ask that she get him out more to groups in st albans so he gets used to other children.

lol @ frannikin dd's nursery is packed with mature staff, many of whom have been there years! the local parks are packed with early 20 something presumably unqualified (at least in childcare anyway) eastern european nannies! you really can't generalise.

in response to sassa, no i don't think having a nanny holds a child back in terms of social skills, especially if you sign up for a pre school nursery place at 3. imho.

I think my charge (4) who has never been to nursary (has done pre school sessions etc, but never more than 4 sessions per week which was only for the last half term before he started school) is proof that having a nanny does NOT hinder social skills

his social skills are better than most other children his age

nannyL - generally I find that children who spend a lot of time either with their mother or a very good nanny have great social skills as those skills are modelled for them all day long as they go about life - saying hello to shopkeepers, being polite to old ladies on buses, knowing how to behave in a supermarket etc etc etc

Children in nurseries don't always get the same range of social skills modelled - they may learn to behave with a group of their peers, but they don't have all the opportunities of watching responsible adults interact with the world in real life situations.

very good point Anna888

Anna, what a gem: "Children in nurseries don't always get the same range of social skills modelled - they may learn to behave with a group of their peers, but they don't have all the opportunities of watching responsible adults interact with the world in real life situations."

I suppose children in nurseries must ONLY spend their time within the artificial confines of the nursery and never go out with their carers or with parents or any other adults, not even on weekends. Poor them.

unfortuantely a LOT of children do spend 5 days 8 - 6 in nursarys...

parenst obviosuly require childcare durting these hours.... hence they are in a nursary.

If these children were being cared for by a nanny (which a i appreciate is not even possible financially for a lot of parenst) but IF they were cared for by a nanny thats 5 more days a week they would eb being exposed to normal life sitations.

ok if you child is in a nursary for a day or 2 a week it probably wont make any difference but for those who are cared for full time it is something to consider

Choose a good nursery or a good nanny.

Don't choose a bad nursery or a bad nanny.

There are lots of both around.

And I agree with earlier posters that trading 'crap nursery' against 'crap nanny' stories can go on forever.

nannyL, you believe what you want to believe. My children attend nursery ft from 1 year old. The irony of Anna's comment was that I had just come back from a supermarket trip with dd in which she pointed out the fruit and veg, which she learnt at nursery and from watching me chop veg at home. She had helped me with loading the shopping on the conveyor belt and was great company. Last week, during the school break we were on a bus and a train to visit my friend and her son. We go out lots as a family on weekends, also play dates, baby gym - if that is not normal life, I don't know what is.

The nursery also takes the children out to visit local shops, supermarket, parks (lots around our way), railway station, watch movies - the children are not like caged hens, you know.

It is not as if children need to shadow an adult 24/7 to learn anything about how to behave with other adults in social situations. I think you need to give children more credit than that!

Most Scandinavian parents use state-run daycare nurseries for full-time childcare.

We have several at our nursery who have moved to the UK for work contracts and they are some of the most sociable and emotionally balanced parents and children I've ever met.

my happy beautiful well balanced sociable child attends nursery FT 5 days 8-4ish loves it.has done since 6month old

Why so aggressive, blueshoes - I said that children in nurseries "do not always get the same opportunities..." and you attack that as if it read "never get the same opportunities"... what's your problem?

As nannyL says, lots of children who are in nursery 5 days a week do miss out on real life. Nursery would bring them other things (which we can debate are better, worse or just different) but not the constant daily interaction with the real, adult-centred world that life with a parent or nanny does. That's all.

anna, "what's your problem" - I disagree with your observation that "generally I find that children who spend a lot of time either with their mother or a very good nanny have great social skills as those skills are modelled for them all day long". The assumption that a child needs to be with an adult for long hours to attain these great social skills is flawed IMO. It is just your observation, and I don't have any problem with that. Just that based on my observation, I can't and won't draw any generalisations as to whether nursery or nanny-cared for children have better, much less great, social skills with adults.

Re-reading my post, agree I came across aggressive

Would be interesting to think...

how many people with £40+k gross income spare would choose to send their child to a nursary?

what is your point NannyL?you lost me between spare income and Nursery

imo actually its budgeted outgoings expenditure- -not spare

the point is that when £ is not so much of an issue most people would choose a nanny....

and I interpret that most people choosing a nanny choose a nanny because they think it is best for them and their children.

Ofcourse it is budgeted out going expenditure... not always, but in my experiance normally budgeted on top of the running costs of a nice big house, nice cars, cleaners, school fees, gardners, as well as the rest of general living costs

and............

when £ doesnt matter people choose a nanny!

even when money does matter some people economise in all sorts ofv other ways just SO they CAN have a nanny!

that says it all