What shall I do?

[Bahhumbu]

Ok so I have a babysitter that comes regularly but part time and I’m setting her up as employee too, I pay her 9.50 an hour and I have told her to interact with ds as much as possible, no other responsibilities and to help him communicate as currently he is non verbal she has previous experience but I find myself giving her very basic instructions, for instance, in the garden I saw my ds was playing by himself on the steps he is 2 and clumsy, the babysitter was on her phone when I came down (I work from home) I told her not to have the phone if it distracts her away from watching ds as she had her back turned and she was on the phone. Normally I allow her to do what she likes when ds is asleep but often times I think she leaves him in the bedroom as he’s happy to play but eventually she does come up as she just check on him. Today ds came up the stairs and barged into my room while I was in a class for like a minute before babysitter realised where she’d been. Babysitter tried to get him out and he cried etc forgot to mute and whole class heard her crying and I apologised and made it quite light hearted. I have just told her to make sure she’s supervising him especially on stairs or keep the gates closed so he isn’t tempted to go up. And also when I ask how ds has been today she said he’s been playing around doing his own thing and she’s been on phone. I don’t know why she think this is acceptable as I do expect a certain level of playing/interaction especially as I laid this all out for her (even made a list of things) am I expecting too much? I feel I pay her enough to at least interact with him, read a book etc. She has been turning up late due to traffic which I’ve let go as she’s a nice girl, she is 20.

What shall I do? Should I find someone else? Writing this down I feel I should but then what if they’re all the same? I’ve never had someone come over before and I’ll be sending him to nursery once he’s communicating abit better. Advice much appreciated.

I’m guessing most people who use nannies must work very awkward hours - otherwise I don’t know why people spend so much money on one rather than on a nursery or childminder

I work regular office hours and use an after school nanny because a nursery or childminder doesn't match my requirements. DS1 has after school activities 3 times per week so needs to come home straight after school to get ready for them. I work full time office hours and the childcare I have allows for my children to continue their activities.

The people in the house behind me have a nanny come ever day to look after their 1 year old. Whenever I look out the window the nanny is glued to her phone and not engaging the child at all. It makes me sad every time I see if and I wonder if the mum knows.

Lack of engagement seems to be a frustrating situation all round and common across many families.

roses2 this is what I’m thinking just because someone has qualification and calls themselves a professional if they don’t feel accountable and there’s no registration body people will do what they want when they know nobody is watching, references help to an extent but in my case what she said she does is different to what I’ve seen. So it’s a matter of trust. I’m not qualified in childcare but it isn’t rocket science to engage with kids every so often and keep them safe. Unless there are better things to be doing like being on the phone. I’m fairly sure I asked her not to use it around her unless absolutely necessary and she agreed but when I asked her about ds she said he was doing his own thing and she was on her phone. Which explains how he managed to get upstairs and into my room without her immediately getting him out. I just don’t think we should set our bar so low, when I interviewed her there was a clear expectation that she does more than supervise from a distance and she agreed and judging by all the ads from non qualified people they know what parents want from them so they put in their ads how great they are at taking care of and interacting with them. Otherwise the babysitter ad should simply read. I am good at keeping your children out of trouble and I’m DBS checked. That sort of thing. I will make some enquiries with the ones that I rejected something tells me they will surely be better than this but let’s see.

I also found her asleep once! Forgot about that. She said she’s a light sleeper but when ds gets up he doesn’t cry just shuffles around in the room, unsupervised so I wonder how often she doesn’t notice ds being awake as you won’t hear these noises on the monitor unless you’re actually awake. Definitely need to start looking for alternatives but I know it will be difficult with my hours

I can't believe what I'm reading here, do people really think that a babysitter can't be expected to interact and play with the child? That it needs spelling out?
I think if someone needs telling to entertain and and keep the child safe, then they shouldn't be working with children. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a paid babysitter to play with and interact with the a child, that's their job! And obviously they need to make sure a baby isn't alone on the stairs! I was babysitting from a very young age and it was entirely obvious to me as a young teenager that the first priority was to keep the children safe and secondly to entertain/have fun with them.
You've hired the wrong person. You can't take the risk of having a babysitter who needs explicit instructions to do the bleeding obvious!

You seem to be suggesting that you might consider leaving your own child unsupervised for an hour. You can't do that! It's not safe! A 2 year old needs constant supervision, they don't have a fully developed concept of danger.

Yes ofcourse I know that, it’s just I’m so desperate to have someone else there and the ideal candidate who I really wanted to hire can only start an hour later as she has to drop her own kids off to school. Yes it’s dangerous but there are times I’ve left him long when I’m cooking for instance although I am nipping in to see if he’s okay which I can do in between my work. So not too different to what I’m doing. The room is baby proofed and full of his toys etc and the stair gate will be shut. Otherwise it’s back to contacting more babysitters but thank you for your post I felt like I was asking too much from someone getting paid a reasonable amount to sit there most of the time as ds is usually asleep for a couple of hours but the limited time he’s awake she could put more effort it and she won’t feel the need to go on her phone. She is free to do as she pleases while she’s asleep but falling asleep herself is taking it too far as she won’t notice when he’s awake and on his own alone when I’m paying her to be with him once he’s awake. But yes I def need to find someone else as she’s not even supervising him properly which is the bare minimum I expect.

Her reference stated she just needs clear instructions but then like you said it’s common sense shouldn’t need instructing to watch him go up the stairs. I feel I’m better off keeping him in a safe room monitoring him using a camera so I can go to him if he needs me but that would be really distracting for me and also not fair on him but he’d probably be getting more interaction that way which is sad to say. She looked really good on paper and had all her documents etc but I def need someone as I have lost my trust in her and will always be wondering what next

You're constantly going to be frustrated with her so I'd start looking for someone new ASAP and keep her on until you've found someone. If you can be more direct with her like "please can you not use your phone when working and sit and play x with him"

Thanks yes I will do. I had already told her not to use it unless necessary after ds climbing the steps in the garden but it seems it just doesn’t register, especially as she openly told me today ds was doing his own thing so she was on the phone, this was when she was about to go which left me abit so I started piecing it all together, I will tell her again on Monday to put her phone away so she keeps an eye better. But yes in the meantime I will look for someone else. The going rate in my area for babysitters is £6 according to childcare website and she’s getting £9.50.

I'm childminder, trained senco, trained in signing, trained in signalling, various speech support, portage and loads more. I've been graded Outstanding by ofsted 3 times and have a degree. Why not consider childminders ? Is it a status thing?

Sorry what, did you read the reasons why I have him at home? As you know children have different needs and I choose the environment least stressful for him and that’s at home for now. He will go to nursery when he’s ready but it makes no difference what qualifications someone has as if I’m not there they can do what they want no matter how good they look on paper. The main motivation for me is he needs more one to one time, and this also allows me to see if he’s being taken care of properly. If I wasn’t at home I’d have no idea the risks that she’s been taking letting him loose on the stairs without supervision etc. The next step would be a nursery as there is more accountability, other staff are present etc. I have heard of childminders going over the ratios of the children they can have under their care and all sorts. Sorry but the best way I will know is either from other parents feedback or just by trialling them and see how they go. I won’t just look at someone’s qualifications as even nursery have highly qualified staff but not all are cut out for it as they’d rather be somewhere else and have done the qualifications as it’s a job requirement or ofsted would like them to have it or it makes them look good. Not saying all childminders obviously. Just like all babysitters can’t be like this.

I've had many non verbal children including ones removed from nursery becouse they didn't have the individual attention. I'm also an assessor going into nursery perceived accountability is not always actual accountability.
What I dont get is why you would pick an untrained babysitter at 20 her experience is likely to be limited and the fact your child has been unsupervised awful she would have been out the door there and then. Does she know signing, does she understand pecs? Can she help you raise an EHCP?

As far as trusting someone.....have you read safegaurding cases in nurseries having others around is not any guarantee.....of course your also assuming all childminders work on their own.....many have staff 4 can work on domestic premises.
Id be looking at the working relationship you actually get a few minutes a week to talk to nursery staff you talk to the cm daily often for 10 minutes or more, you have more influence becouse they can be adaptable to needs more easily than fitting in with lots of other children.
Many cms have qualifications equal to nursery managers not minimum Ofsted requirements and do hours of unpaid training becouse they are interested not directed by a manager.

No, if what you've written accurately reflects things then I certainly would not continue with this arrangement. It sounds like a good childminder would be a perfect option if anyone's available, some social exposure but in a homely environment where he's not overwhelmed.
I'd be annoyed at the phone thing to be honest, if you son has problems with communication someone modelling really poor communication skills isn't going to help at all (& I'd just be pissed off that I was paying someone to sit on their phone!). But it does sound like she just doesnt have the experience to know just how much you need to watch children.

Seek alternatives for him, at two he may also start getting bored just in the house too.

Yes unfortunately it is very accurate and I desperately need this job so have compromised a lot but this safety aspect is non negotiable and really don’t even know if I can have her back on Monday. It has painted a picture of her where all the ‘little’ things I initially overlooked as she’s keeping ds safe are no longer so little anymore. Ds is really happy and is quite happy to play on his own but will definitely socialise if someone offers but it’s the change of environment that really doesn’t help, he’s fine when I’m with him but really has a meltdown if I try to leave etc. I have a nephew that has asd and he is the same which is what made me speak to health visitor about it as hv wasn’t too concerned until I mentioned my nephew and the other family links. I am taking him to a friend’s house to build him up to things slowly so he may adapt to other settings but don’t want to leave him somewhere he’s unhappy when I don’t ‘need’ to I have a lot of anxiety myself so that really doesn’t help (getting help for that). My first ds was at an outstanding nursery but he hated it and the staff really didn’t make an effort and keyworker was hardly there but he really thrived in his good rated nursery and staff turnover was low and key worker actually turned up at the time she said she’d be in to greet him. So I know it really depends on individuals etc but i appreciate what you’re saying.

I recently worked with an 24 month old who was unable to attend nursery as his reactions were so extreme. When I met him he would clap, jump and make screeching noises, the longest he stayed in nursery was around 30 minutes before they called mum in. He couldn't sit himself on a chair hold a spoon or play other than flipping green lids. Totally non verbal. In 2 weeks we had him able to stay to full sessions with 3 other children aged 18 months to 3 years. I gave him one to one using portage techniques (mirroring, hand over, body positioning) by 3 years he was self feeding, sitting himself at tables, climbing into his car seat, doing some signs, basically picture exchange, sitting in groups for singing ( up to 20 children) we raised his ehcp so he got into a suitable school aged 4. We supported parents so that they could take him out and knew how to calm him in new situations, I'd take him to resteraunts, shops etc if it meant sitting on the floor with him reassuring him that was fine. No nursery could give him that support or support his family spending time out of hours to listen to them, attend meetings and training with them etc. Although he's now moved on were still in contact and I'm still providing information and support free of charge.

Jannier that sounds really lovely. I am not saying a nursery is better than a childminder and tbh by the time I’m hoping he’s ready for another setting I think he will be too old for childminders anyway as he will need to be getting ready for pre school. Ofcourse if he remains non verbal we will have to think about alternatives if mainstream settings aren’t suitable for him but if childminders are able to take him then that will seem better as long as he can cope and everyone else at the setting is happy too. In all honesty in the area I live I’m very sceptical, we got lucky with my older ds nursery but that was out of the area in the days I had time to travel abit but now we need to stay very local and I look around and just don’t see the demand here for someone high quality like yourself unless it’s someone one to one as people are willing to pay more and may expect better care but these are massive assumptions on my part but the same goes for schools, extra curricular etc demand just isn’t there, people just seem to make do but I will definitely keep an open mind and might get pleasantly surprised so it’s good to know.

Why would he need to move to prepare for pre school? All registered early years settings work on school readiness which refers to year one. None of my children leave me for nursery or preschool they take their funding with me and go straight to reception staying with me to age 11 or above. The 2 who have moved to school nursery in the past returned becouse they went backwards....the other children not being able to do things like write their name or take coats off meant the staff automatically assumed nobody could and did it for them.
All registered settings work to the same standards becouse the children have secure attachments with a consistent key worker (especially in childminder settings) they become resilient and confident in mixing and separation, this is what the key worker is supposed to be for not paperwork.

Thank you like I said settings vary hugely despite working to the same standards and it’s a case of finding the right one for my son and our family circumstances, it isn’t one size fits all. Thank you for your input.

Id contact your local authority and ask who had send training visit settings of every type and see what feels right rather than exclude becouse of preconceptions.