Which candidate to hire? Or keep looking?

[HarrietTheSpy]

Have spent the last two to three weeks interviewing people - have had tens of cvs via Gumtree and Simply Childcare. Loads of what I would consider to be au pair types about - some English, some babysitting experience - wanting nanny salaries. Loads of women with savagely plucked eyebrows - bordering on the self-harming. What's the deal??

The three left standing are:

1. A Hungarian, ex-au pair, child psychology student. Very well-spoken, sweet girl, quite gentle. Had second interview today where she met DD, seemed okay. Not sure I can cope with the darkness of her central European soul though which seemed to be emerging today. Can't quite decide about it. Plus points - salary fits well with our requirements, can comfortably cover it w/o super stress, including tax and NI. Wants a contract. Seems responsible etc. Loves cooking. Negative: has onl yreally looked after children for 4-5 hour stretches, a ten hour day is another matter.

2. A Kiwi, also graduated in child psych. Seems cheery - again, not vast experience with children but has been a carer for sick people for the past year so knows what long days caring are like. A 10 hour day won't be a shock, a child will be a doddle relative. Well trained in first aid - managed thorugh a choking situation with a child once!! I believe the story, it had credible detail. Quite a funky little dresser, not sure she could deal with the gossipy mums at the preschool who might find her 'interesting' looking. it's not like she has mohawk or anything, but these mums can be pretty cliquey.

3. A university grad with years of experience (S African) who would basically be like a private home tutor to our daughter. It's our job or managing two nurseries, she's that experienced!! But she seems to really like DD, she's unbelieveably experienced and talented...downside...not sure we can afford her. I mean, priced for us to be on beans and toast for the forseeable future. It would probably stress me out, but but but she's SOOO GOOD, I'm wondering if we should just do it. Negatives: bandying about being self-employed. I'm sure she's doing this to motivate us to pay her very very high daily rate. Also, she might have to move back to SA in teh near future...

What do you think? Keep looking?

Pick the one you think DD will like and who is most likely to stick around. She needs to have fun as well as being well cared for - the SA girl sounds a bit serious to me - the Kiwi sounds a lot better.
Don't stretch yourself financially if you really do not have to. It can end up in resentment if things go wrong esp if she turns out not to be all that you thought. Also I've found nannies bring with them lots of hidden expenses (outings, phone bills, food, travel costs). Have you borne that in mind?

Who did your dd like best?
Who did you feel most comfortable discussing tricky stuff like money and discipline issues with?

I agree with Roselind, go for the one that your DD likes.

The SA is more likely to move on if she gets a better job offer. Plus, if you really cannot afford her you are going to resent the money spent.

The Kiwi sounds good. I worked as an aupair and had absolutely no experience in looking after children for longer periods. I wouldn't worry about the other mums, I did not socialize with other mums, I had aupair friends. If she is a funky dresser then she will be reasonably self confidant and able to stick up for herself. It might rub off onto your DD, and you will have a funky little DD!

I would go with the Kiwi. In my experience the cliquey mums don't talk to the nannies anyway just snear from a distance .

b

B is the only one who hasn't met DD yet actually. She's coming this afternoon. Funnily enough, I feel like she's the one DD would also like the most, but we'll have to see.

The SA comes via a recommendation, not via Gumtree by the way. Re the hidden costs - yes, I have thought of that as well...and I have some concern that at this price nothing would ever be enough or rather that even the smallest thing going wrong would really wind me up. IT's A LOT for us but not such a huge amount for her - not a potentially great dynamic.

Feel able to talk about money and discipline with all three, which is good. How it would work in practice, is another matter.

Forgot to mention I feel like I make the Kiwi a bit nervous!! She's the youngest of the lot as well. Kiwi also not big on cooking, is in the mode of sandwiches okay for kids. Might be trainable, will have to see. Hungarian and SA say they LOOOVE to cook. I think it wasn't a put on as well.

That is so funny - I love it.

kiwi

I'd deffo go for the Kiwi.

I kind of like the funky dressing thing - I always feel it makes me look cool vicariously.

I think the South African could be over-qualified and may not stay. Agree that if you pay top whack and they are not excellent in every single way you can get a bit resentful. A nanny that only stays for a short period is a really bugger all round - both for you and for your daughter.

I don't buy into taking my children's likes and dislikes into account when it comes to nannies I'm afraid - I'm the adult and the one paying the salay. My DD would love someone who came dressed in fairy wings and who doled out sweets.

I think it is really important to have someone you can get on with - if you can, then everything else slots into place better.

Re the cooking, I think that is fairly fixable through a mixture of teaching her a few good nutritious quick meals, buying a good, basic family cookbook and being prepared to discuss a few menu ideas and lowering your standards a bit if necessary (I mean that in the nicest way).

Anchovy - interesting you say that re it's more important the person gets on with you. I do see what you mean.

I actually chatted away quite happily with the Hungarian, but I was concerned she was connecting with me more than DD. Might be different when they've got time alone though. With our previous nanny the mix was really wrong - I never totally felt at ease with her and it just didn't work.

I think if you are your nanny are on the same wavelength, it is much easier for them to second guess how you want things done and much easier for you to have a conversation with them if things need changing a bit.

It is also easier for you to be respectful of your nanny when she is not around, which is quite important in my view - my nanny and I do things in broadly the same way, so the DCs aren't getting any conflicting messages. I would be pissedoff if my DCs were telling me that she told them X was a good way of doing things if I did not agree.

Sure, you can make them do things in your way, but if they do not instinctively agree, its going to come a cropper at some stage. Its a bit like husbands - its not really realistic to think you can "change" them later on - better to get one you get on with in the first place.

When I have been interviewing that has been a key criterion of mine. Bear in mind these are going to be people who end up knowing a lot about the inner workings of your domestic life.

Kiwi (and buy in some fresh pasta)

SA too highly qualified, will move on too quickly (to another job if not SA) you will also get resentful if she is just tutoring as such - you will come home and have to do the laundry and so on and will probably get resentful at this given cost (besides, your daughter needs a nanny, not a tutor)

Hungarian, hmm, you could be lucky with but you could just as easily find that she is out of depth in a sole-care scenario.

Sorry, I'm going to go against the grain here and say none of them, keep looking.

Don't hire one you can't afford. You will resent the sacrifices you have to make to keep her happy and she will probably leave anyway.

What exactly do you mean by "quite a funky little dresser"? And how exactly do you expect that characteristic not to creep into your DCs wardrobe. Perhaps you might prefer your kids to be funky little dressers, but that wouldn't fly with me -- but then I might be one of the cliquey judgmental mums.

The SA has agreed to do the laundry and the tidying though. She is professional enough she would adhere to her contract, I reckon. More concerned she will find US a bit of a health hazard: "How can they live like this?!"

It also felt like I was talking to a colleague or peer - a difficult discussion would probably be easiest with her on reflection. I would definitely walk out the door with not one worry about DD's care in the day. But, again, the overqualified thing is important - can't see how we could meet her needs on this front for very long.

I'm still trying to get over losing an Irish nanny who felt the commute was too much. . We've had people claiming they could commute ridiculous distances. One lived in Hartford and was goig to come in by train - 50 min to Kings Cross - another 40 to our house!!!

Kiwi here in about an hour's time. Will let you know how it goes.

Funky little dresser - a jaunty cap, to be somewhat more precise. Wide black earrings. At first I panicked and thought it was one of those piercings when the person had gotten rid of her whole lob - but no. Will see what she is like today. She's heading over to us from Camden-way.

I buy DD's clothes, so not worried from that point of view.

I am (sigh) wondering if the right thing really is to keep interviewing. Second issue of Simply Childcare has so far turned up no one promising though.

Oh, and I'm intrigued about "the darkness of her central European soul". Tell me more.

I would say keep looking -

I would say keep looking -

Ha ha ha. You only you choose her wardrobe. Nanny and DD go shopping. DD see horrid tacky hoopy things like the ones in nanny's ears. "Nanny, can I have those? They are wicked." Nanny (melting because your lovely DD wants to be like her) says oh yes, I'll get them for you. DD comes home, you think, what the HEll are you wearing, and you take them away. You are now wicked mummy and DD is not happy.

Okay, I'm having a bit of fun exaggerating here but it's not that far off. I had a nanny who like pink frilly (which I hate), but sure enough it crept in and DD would refuse nice expensive "plain" Ralph Lauren that I bought her in favour of Woolies tack. Current nanny does not like the colour pink -- hooray!

Hire a nanny who will make a good role model without instruction to do so. Or you will constantly be fighting a losing battle.

You only think you choose her wardrobe.

Oh dear - yes, the Hungarian malaise. These people were born melancholic. Sensitive, expect total truth and loyalty from you when they finally open up, but leave you with the feeling they know you will disappoint them somehow in the end. Can emotionally comprehend being in a blood feud with someone. What else? Read the Door by Magda Szabo (who incidentally hails from same town as this nanny.)

sorry, took a while to post.

Issy thanks for your comments actually - very very useful. No don't need a brilliant cook at all, just don't want to throw out a fridge full of organic veg because nanny couldn't be bothered (last one -again!!!)