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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au pair drinking my wine!

29 replies

Vincenza · 10/10/2007 13:13

I have had an au pair for the first time for about a month. I am a single mum so when she started I would invite her to have the odd glass of wine or two with me in the evenings. Then she took to opening bottles herself and drinking the lot. When she necked 2 bottles of my boyfriend's cider I finally blew and asked her to replace them and buy her own in future. She did replace them and seemed to be doing this but I have been monitoring the bottles and she has been sneaking bits here and there. She finished a half bottle of wine yesterday. It has not been overly excessive and she was babysitting for me yesterday so I feel slightly mean to pick her up on a few glasses of wine but I am still outraged. Has anyone else had this problem with au pairs. I want to check it is not normal to provide your au pairs with alcohol before I blow my stack!

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 10/10/2007 13:17

Sorry I don't know whether its normal or not but I guess my first thoughts would be:

Are you feeding and watering her ? - if so not unreasonable for her to drink stuff around - if it was diet coke/milk/fruit juice would you be complaining ? fresh orange is pretty expensive too....
What culture is she from ?? - that makes a difference as perfectly normal to drink a couple of glasses

Is it the wine you're bothered about (cos she's in charge of your children) or the cost ??

Maybe by cheaper wine if the cost

Lauriefairycake · 10/10/2007 13:18

buy

ingles2 · 10/10/2007 15:57

Why are you so outraged Vincenza? If you offered her wine at the beginning surely she'd think it's ok for her to take it? My handbook says the AP's can help themselves to anything except alcohol and my private stash of chocolate ( )...it is a pain in the b*m to come home and find something gone but thats part of the deal of living with AP's..I suggested this to someone on another thread but maybe give her £5 a week for wine / chocolate / biscuits etc on the condition she doesn't touch yours!

LadyHex · 10/10/2007 16:04

"I finally blew and asked her to replace them and buy her own in future"

You need to calmly remind her of this. If it happens again, then she is taking something that you have explicitly asked her not too.

ie: stealing.

I think it is a great idea to give her a few extra pounds a week for treats though.

It would be a shame to lose a great AP over this.

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 10/10/2007 16:04

I was going to say otherwise but after reading other replies, maybe I just don't know enough about au pairs. I still want to know though.....is she drinking whilst caring for your children? Or does the drinking end up with her having a hangover when she's looking after the children. If YES then I would say that's not on at all imo.

goldenoldie · 10/10/2007 17:16

difficult one as you started it by giving her wine in the first place.
You need to be very clear about what is and is not acceptable, and write it down. Booze was always off limits for our au-pairs unless they were buying their own and consuming in time off in a way that would not comprimise their next working day.

I don't think you should give her more money, if she wants booze why should you pay for it?

eleusis · 10/10/2007 17:30

As a general rule, I'd say au pairs are not entitled to the booze supply in the house. If you had offered her glasses of wine and never said anything further then I would think her behaviour was reasonable. However, as you say you since told her it was off limits and she has continued behind your back, then I do think you have grounds to pull her up on it -- perhaps avoid loosing your stack.

I have employed live in nannies for several years and not one of them has ever helped themselves to my booze. My DH doesn't come home during the week so I have a similar situation and try to offer them a beer or wine sometime because I'd like some company. But they usually feel funny about drinking with me and say no.

Oh and to the one who asked how you'd feel if it was juice or a diet coke, the only food rule in my house is "Never drink my last Diet Coke". And that probably says more about me than them.

FioFio · 10/10/2007 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ingles2 · 10/10/2007 17:43

But isn't the whole point of Au Pairs that we get someone who becomes part of the family in return for childcare and housework....So would we begrudge someone else in our home a glass of wine in the evening?...So everyone else in the home gets an occasional treat but not the AP!....Yes you have asked her not to take alcohol so she is now in the wrong but I can't help feeling monitoring bottles of wine slightly petty,...If you can't afford for her to drink it,..tell her..she might offer to buy the occasional bottle, if it's just because its the AP taking it, then that's not really fair...

eleusis · 10/10/2007 18:00

I don't think alcohol and other food/drink luxuries are generally considered fair game for the live-in childcare arrangments.

Au pairs are paid for their work these days. They can expect to be part of the family for the most part. But then the kids are part of the family too and they don't get free reign on the booze.

ingles2 · 10/10/2007 20:50

not on the booze eleusis...but they get other treats, sweets, crisps occasionally..
The standard rate for an au pair + is £80 a week,..and lets be honest it's not much! Yes I know they have board, lodging, cars, mobiles etc...but I just don't see how we can begrudge them a glass of wine...particularly if we're having one! After all they are adults, I presume she's not working, and not getting completely p*ssed and so can't work. I've only had this once, where I couldn't stand the boy and resented every mouthful he had...but I think that says more about me.....

holeyguacamoley · 10/10/2007 23:46

If you are happy with everything else then stop being mean! Particularly if this is th e lifestyle you are leading ,you have asked her to be part of it, make an allowance for her and Allow for an extra whatever in your weekly shop. I wouldn't fall out over this if everyting else was good. keep up the relationship if you are happy with the childcare, it is more important than anything else.

ScaryScaryNight · 10/10/2007 23:50

Hang on, did she actually drink half a bottle of wine when she was babysitting your kids while you were out??

mishmash · 11/10/2007 02:00

Madam Wonderful Eleusis am gonna hijack but have sort of answered my hijack.

Because I am so busy at work the last 2 weeks (cos I have now officially a months holiday my lovely AP offered to do the shopping today so I thought great. Gave her the money but came home and found the shopping was 75% of what she wanted. She is a bit of a health freak and costs me loads.

My last AP cost me nothing but a couple of Baileys every other night.

DH told me that he didn't care (tongue in cheek) that I was doing shopping in future!

slim22 · 11/10/2007 02:06

"I feel slightly mean to pick her up on a few glasses of wine" ..........while she was babysitting??????

I think you need to get your priorities right

expatinscotland · 11/10/2007 02:08

fuck if i were pulled up for 'babysitting' my own kids on a few glasses of wine I'd be done for.

the day one of my daughters wants to go au pair is the day you see that despite 20 years in the UK you can take the girl outta Texas but you can't take the Texas outta the girl.

nah. no can do for my girls.

people willing to pay more for their damn car than for child care.

and niggling over a bottle of wine.

there ya go.

mishmash · 11/10/2007 02:16

TBH - I always left the bottle of Baileys with our AP too if she had stop in on a Sat night.

She has since gone home and is living at home and she is gone back to less freedom to what she had with us.

If it isn't causing harm or an expensive bottle of wine or a huge chunk of your shopping bill - I'd say let her do it. But next time buy a cheapy bottle.

eleusis · 11/10/2007 08:18

Hello Mishmash!

Yeah, that's exactly why I do the shopping in my house. I do try to accommodate requests made by others. But, things do need to fall within the budget.

I think actually the biggest problem with OP's au pair is that she blatantly disobeyed her employers instruction. And that would piss me off far more than her drinking a bottle of wine that she innocently thought was fair game.

Original poster

Vincenza · 11/10/2007 10:51

Hello everyone

Thanks for your replies. I was just sort of wondering what was standard practice. My boss has an au pair and she thinks it is bang out of order that she has been drinking the wine.

A few points:

To start off I was happy for her to help herself to the odd glass of wine but she can easily drink 2 bottles of wine in an evening (not when she is babysitting I hasten to add) and I felt that I could not accomadate this. What has annoyed me the most is that she has continued to drink the wine but covered up her actions thereby indicating she knows she is doing something wrong and also thinks she can take me for a fool.
It is not just the wine. She now appears to be on strike and is eating for England. She ate 3 large packets of ham, 2 litres of milk and a huge block of cheese in about 3 days and I think she might be feeding her friends.
Re expats comments about 'cheap' childcare - I pay my au pair £70 a week, I buy her a bus pass, feed and water her and give her a room in a desirable part of Manchester (which she could not afford otherwise). I don't ask much from her workwise as it is only me and my son (who is at school all day). At the end of the day I don't have much choice as I have a very demanding job and very little paternal support either financially or emotionally but I hardly think she is slave labour.
I wouldn't mind if it was cheap wine even but she has been on the sancerre!

I am having a house meeting with her on Sunday. I don't think I have laid down enough rules really from the off and the thing that has annoyed me is that she has taken complete advantage. I suppose if I lay down what I expect we will all know where we are and she can choose to go along with it or not.

Thanks again for your replies

OP posts:

slim22 · 11/10/2007 11:22

There you go!
defo not normal practice to provide sancerre.
One glass fine if you opened the bottle and offer it. Opening and downing 2 not on!
Re food, it's more delicate. I think you just need to sit down and go over ground rules as you said.
Good luck.

ingles2 · 11/10/2007 11:44

Oh ..Ok Vincenza...I didn't fully understand! 2 bottles a night is defo not normal and neither is the food! What sort of background has she come from,...It could be she's gorging herself because she's not used to the luxury but to honest that kind of sounds like comfort eating to me! Is she unhappy? Homesick?

eleusis · 11/10/2007 11:57

You might want to set a schedule for grocery shopping. For example have then delivered every Tuesday and make it know that the next delivery will not happen until the next Tuuesday so the food supply is expected to last. Of course some basic staple may need to be refilled like milk or bread.

Meeely2 · 11/10/2007 11:58

anyone drinking my wine would be a sackable offence and as such i do not have an au pair!

Squiffy · 11/10/2007 13:04

Here's my tuppenceworth...

I would feel a hypocrite opening and drinking wine in front of my AP/nanny without offering a glass, so I can see how OP's problem started
Given my view in point 1, I make it a habit to buy cheapo wine from Tesco's, and store it in the kitchen - AP/nanny welcome to help themselves in the evening when off-duty (and when babysitting in the evening). IME AP's seem to prefer the bottom end of the market taste-wise anyway (esp stuff like 3.49 alsace)
Posh wine kept in different place and AP/Nanny clearly told that they will be lynched if they touch it (and I would not open/drink in front of them, ever)
More or less same with food: I have a separate cupboard where I keep poncy stuff for dinner parties and for playing mummy poker with (as in: "I see your home made cookies from last week's play visit, and raise you...fairtrade organic truffles rolled on thighs of virgins"). Again AP/nanny banned from using anything there.

OP can introduce above and this should limit further frustration BUT Op still needs to deal with two problems:

she has been treated like fool by AP (but then AP's are often kids really. would suggest forgive once but lay the line down that this behavious is sneaky and will not be tolerated again)
sinking two bottles of wine sounds like a drinking problem to me. I would definately speak to her about this as a concerned adult, rather than tell her off. I would suggest that you offer to stick either 2 or 3 (your call) bottles of wine a week in the kitchen for her and that is that - anything more she gets for herself..

Re: the food thing - it goes with the territory - younguns these days seem to have hollow legs, esp the ruddy scandinavians. Just keep lots of cheapo carbs around the house - porridge/bread/cereals - and hide the decent stuff in the ponce cupboard.

slim22 · 11/10/2007 13:16

I keep reading these posts and thinking gosh, I did not think I was so uptight!!!

But having an open bar (be it cheapo wine) for someone I pay to look after my kids and while they are babysitting in the evening???
That is beyond me.
Am I the only one who thinks this not right? Where do you set the limits?
How about sneaking a fag here and there while playing with the kids/snogging the boyfriend in full view of he kids/etc...etc....

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