childcare nightmare - really could do with some advice

[Lazycow]

A bit of background so appologies for the length

My ds (2.10yrs) has recently been having a set back in his potty training. He had a UTI then we went on holiday all about 6 weeks after we started potty training so I thought it was pretty normal and didn't stress too much. When we got back from holiday, I agreed with the cm to put ds back in pullups. I don't particularly like them but my cm was worried about the accidents. He was having at least 1 (often more a day) when we got back from holiday (and we had been doing so well before then sigh!)

Anyway after a week we both agreed to take the pullups off as he had definitely improved. Now three weeks later he is definitely almost there at home (no accidents in a week and asking to go - only needing reminding/prompting occasionally)

He is however having a lot more accidents with the cm (he is there 4 days a week)which I think she is finding frustrating as she had another 2 year old and a 1 year old baby.

Last week I went to pick up ds and she cornered me in what was quite a confrontational way and said among other things that ds was being lazy and willful and that we needed to go back to pullups and to not keep asking/reminding him as he had to learn to ask for himself. She also told me I was 'doing it all wrong' when I asked ds if he needed a wee. I said I'd heard set backs were normal after holidays and she practically shouted 'its'not normal'

I found all this pretty annoying but tried to be conciliatory as this was very out of character for her and we usally get on very well.

I was happy to not remind etc and if she really felt it necessary for her to use pullups but I said I wouldn't use them at home as I felt it was a backward step and he was improving at home.

At this she threw up her hands and said we wouldn't get anywhere like that and that he would still be like this at 4 at this rate.
She went into the living room and started getting the children ready for the school run. I took that as signal to leave and have to admit I was pretty stunned and shaking when I left.

I later called her from work and asked that we meet (without children obviously) to sort this out and also to say I was picking ds up early.

When I got there to collect him and asked her when would be a good time to talk about our disagreement she was furious with me and accused me of slamming her door on my way out. If I did slam it, it was genuinly not intentional as I was more stunned than angry, so I may have let the door go and not closed it as carefully as I normally would.

I appolgised sincerely for the door but asked again when we could talk about what had happened. She told me she wasn't ready to talk and that she would let me know when she was ready.
I said we needed to talk face to face before Monday and she needed to let me know when and then I left. I was incredibly upset at the time as I found her attitude quite bewildering.This was on Thursday so I was left me not knowing where we stood.
She then rang on Friday and said she would be happy to talk about ds but would prefer to leave the talk for a couple of weeks as she didn't feel it would be very productive before then. I replied that we needed to talk about it before ds went back to her as I couldn't leave him with her if we can't communicate.

Ds is supposed to be starting a sessional nursery this week which she will take him to

I've tried several local day nurseries none of which have availabiliy for 4 days a wee k at the moment. The ones that do have space are the less good ones (not surprisingly)

Dh is off work today and tomorrow but is madly busy from then on. I am off Weds/Thurs (was going to take ds and collect from his new nursery to settle him in)

What the hell do I do? I am not aginst sending ds to nursery but stopping so abruptly and replacing a cm with 4 days a week of full time nursey (even if I could find one with spaces by next week) without a settling in period seems too much for ds.

As it is I'll probably have to drop the sessional nursery and have no idea whether to settle him there this week or not.

What a mess

CM has since called and agreed to meet today - I'm not sure what I am going to say to her.

Just a quick update

My friend at work did call in the end and pretend to be looking for a place (naughty I know).

My cm said she currently looked after 2 little boys and that 1 little boy (named ds) was with her now but would be leaving in 4-5 weeks. She did not say 'might' be leaving, she said he was definitely leaving.
Since neither she nor I have given notice yet, that is a surprise to me.

I just now cancelled my childcare vouchers and my dh has done his, otherwise she would have had £586 paid into her account on Monday of next week (We pay with vouchers in advance and then make up the difference in what we owe for the month in cash)

I didn't cancel them before because I was going to pay her 4 weeks notice. I most certainly won't be now!!

how awful. I think you have been treated appallingly and would be well within your rights to withdraw you ds immiedately without giving notice. She is a disgrace to her profession. Maybe give NCMA a ring and check with them if you can withdraw him without notice though?

You poor thing. She sounds like a right cow. Any idea why she has suddenly turned on you like this?

(I would not send ds back btw at all)

HH

I reallydon't know why she is doing this at all. I can only think she has some issues with me or ds that she hasn't brought up before. I can't belive a normal childminder would want to give notice to a child just because he was having some wee (and the very occasional poo) accidents. There must be somethign more to it than that but we have never had any disagreements like this before and I had always thought we got on fine.

Just goes to show you never can tell.

Be very carefull as she has not given notice, you will have to and will hato pay her for her notice.

How many weeks are on your contract for notice. If you pay monthly in advance you should give and get a months notice, which is required to be payed for, (although I agree she dosnt deserve it)

Just spoken to the NCA and it seems I will have to give her 4 weeks notice. tbh after getting over my initial annoyance at her adverrtising the place, dh convinced me that we don't want to get into a fight about this. I will be removing ds but we (and certainly ds) may still be seeing her and her daughter at nursery (and possibly school) pick up so I want to keep things civil.

It does stick in the throat a bit though and has now made me more wary. I genuinely did not see this coming and would never have believed she would behave like this.

I've just read this and it's awful

I'm a childminder and feel she has acted very unproffesional if she cant cope with the amount of children she should cut down.

I would question her about advertising the space as it may be ground for non-payment. I would also put in a complaint about her behaviour one of the National Standards is working with parents not shouting at them and telling them what they should do and she clearly isn't meeting it. Does she have a complaints book also? (if not ofsted are hot on this so hehe to her getting in trouble) This should be added to it (or again it will be added through Ofsted)

Sorry if I sound like a bitch but it's childminders acting like this that give us a bad name

off my high horse now!

I think you may have to pay her 4 weeks notice, but not necessarily when she wants, you amy have to put down deposits/advance payments for new childcare so dont be to gracious, you have every right to be annoyed and have given her the benefit of the doubt the whole way along.

LC you realyl must ring her now!..tel her a friend has just informed you that while she is looking for childcare, you have discovered to the extent of your ds's name that she plans to give you notice or make YOU give notice and what does she have to say?..really honestly, you need to confront her, not nastily but you need to let her know you know and ask her why?..i would also complain to ofsted reg her underhandness! and im a cm, i dont have any pity for her she has been horrible and unproffesional

Oh Lazycow

She has acted like a bloody cow!!

She sounds very childish!

I would call her & tell her what you know! How dare she imply that your ds will be leaving in 4/5 weeks

Do you think she is planning on giving you notice?

PinkChick is right. I think you should phone her. You might find she is so embarassed she tells you not to bring ds back and to forget the notice (you never know!) I really wouldn't take this lying down. I would make her feel really bad and make sure everyone in the local area knows how she has treated you. It really is outragous behaviour. I am disgusted by her tbh!

if shes telling people, actually giving out your ds's name, then she should have the balls to tell YOU and explain WHY????shes making me angry for treating you like this!

i would DEFINATLY NOT pay her any notice, she is in breech of contract in so many ways and you should def contact ofsted to complain!

LazyCow Hvae you spoken to her yet?

Wow! What a total and utter cown, I ahev just skim read the thread - i think it is so horrible when CM's hold parents to ransom, but I think that once the relationship has broken down, its time to whip your child out of there. Take a weeks' annual leave, or 2.5 days each, you and dp, settle ds into nursery, and he will love it. All of mine have gone to nursery, eldest started when he was 18 months, 2nd child when she was 13 months, and youngest about to start soon aged 2 years. They have all loved it - the other children, the independence, the toys, etc, and if you are able to take the time to settle them in, then all the better, as they feel safe and secure, and happy knowing you will come and get them at the end of the day. Cm sounds like a right cow, if it was my CM, I rpobably would not do any of the contsurtive things others have suggested, I would just ring her up and say 'my DS will not be coming anymore becasue dp and Ihave discussed you, and have reached the conclusion you are a right cow'.

And, 2.1 is totally ok not to be potty trained, god I'm not even considering it with my dd until she is 2.5. Cannot be dealing!

Well a quick uodate

We eventually had a meeting. She opened the discussion by saying ds was the most difficult child she had ever looked after. She did also however say she was fond of him as she has looked after him since he was 10 months old.

She also she told me that she had felt that I wasn't listening to her on the day we had the disagreement. The problem is that I felt she wasn't listening to me so there was no way forward on that one

I could repeat the whole conversation but the gist of it was as follows

She felt that she had put a lot of effort into potty training ds and when he came back from holiday and had relapsed she was upset about it. I think she then started to blame me for it (though she wouldn't admit that) and couldn't accept that a regression in potty training sometimes does happen after a change in routine including holidays.

I pointed out that all of this was understandable but her refusal to discuss things as soon as possible after the event made it difficult for me to leave ds with her as I felt we were not able to communicate. Basically the trust I had in her was broken.

In the end she said she didn't want ds to leave and that we should give it a month to see. She said that me moving him was not the best thing for ds and that I was only thinking of myself if I did move him (i.e that she and I didn't get on but that ds was fine there)

What she didn't understand was that her labelling of ds as 'lazy', 'wilful' and 'difficult' when he in't even yet 3 years old was enough reason for me to remove him from her care. In addition to that our inability to reach a way forward on the potty training. (She refused to accept that ds might still have the odd accident and said he would have to wear pullups if he had an accident with her).

Ds has had only one accident in 10 days with us but he may still have the odd accident. I can't take him to her and be on complete tenterhooks about what she will say to me (and possibly to him) if he has another accident.

We have decided to start him at a lovely nursery that we have found. I will take a couple of weeks off work to settle him in and we will pay her but on a weekly basis in arrears not monthly in advance like we do now .

I have said that I will let her know at the end of each week which days we will need her the following week. I haven't told her that we won't in fact be using her at all as I don't want her being paid and thinking she is available to take another mindee immediately.

what planet is she on?

How on earth can she think that you would want to keep him their after she described him in that way and as for blaming you saying you would be taking him out for your benefit when that is clearly not the case.

There must be somewhere you could report her to.

Hope your DS settles at nursery