Our future au pair wants the email address for our current au pair..... What should I do?

[streetwise]

I don't really want to be talked about by au pairs. How can I get out of passing it on to her? I don't want to look like I've got anything to hide as we don't.

A bit of an odd situation.

Brummie - I'm so glad that you say that. So often I end up doing jobs; tidying the kids room etc etc whilst the ap sits watching TV with the kids. It's all wrong! She should be doing the jobs whilst I could do something constructive that the children would actually benefit from.

In the past we've always had experienced nannies - and on the whole they've been amazing. I didn't realise that the whole ap experience could be such a minefield. Perhaps we've been really unlucky with our ap. I'm hoping that the next one will be good (!)

all a learning curve. you won't make the same mistake twice, believe me. I'm learning to 'read' personality types!

you'll also have picked up positive things that worked. don't take it personally either. I bet it's just immaturity on her part, not willful manipulation.

You can read personality types - please enlighten! New ap beginning in September - but am wondering if she's going to be completely wrong for us too - how do I learn to know that??

I think they have every right to discuss you. You are discussing them, after all.

my selection is now based on terrible stereotypes and massive assumptions! For example (I'm going to get into SUCH trouble saying this, but what the hell...), I need someone who'll look after themselves, be reasonably self-sufficient with the kids and who will get on with me and DH over a glass of wine in the evening :

• if they are interested in any form of outdoor activity and are reasonably fit, they are likely to be motivated enough to get the kids out and about

• if they like baking, cooking issue solved

• if they have lived away from home or are from a big city, likely to be more independent. beware young girls from small towns with no experience being away from home

• beware boyfriends or close sibling relationships (ie twin sister in SA) = homesick or frequent visitors

• Aussies and Kiwis great, but probably have very good social life and will be hungover! (i kind of appreciate that tho!)

• Needs a good sense of humour, so I'm pretty relaxed in my communication so they know what they are letting themself in for! I like to see evidence of humour in their responses.

oh, and if they've house-shared before (ie at university) then they'll have some idea of realities of communal living and shared tasks.

Brummie - you've put my mind at rest in some areas. New ap likes baking! A definite plus. I'd prefer my dd to bake a thousand fairy cakes rather than watch one more episode of Bob the Builder!

She's also out-doorsy - likes juggling! and is currently making a film during her summer holidays. All good.

On the negative side - she does come from a small town with no experience of living abroad or even away from home. But her best friend is going to be living in the next street - so at least phone bills should be kept to a minimum!

My new ap arrived on Wednesday and my old one is still here so you can imagine!!! But new also asked for old one's e=mail and I didn't mind at all - it's not like I have anything to hide.

They are going to remain in contact when old one goes home on Monday because she wants to hear about how the kids are doing.

Our ap is keen to keep in touch with the children too - she's very sweet - just very misguided in what being an ap actually means.

I worked as an aupair 15 years ago, if the family had had a previous aupair then I would have liked to have spoken to her. (No emails in those days, lol, how did we cope?)

I rarely ate with the family, just the odd lunch and never sat and watched TV with them.

You should definately set down some rules, so that she knows what you are expecting of her. It is not easy coming into a stranger's home and not knowing where the boundaries are, what is acceptable and what not. Even simple things like doing the dishes can be a minefield, when I think of the thread here a few days ago about whether to rinse or not!

Good luck with your new aupair!