Working full time.

[Clueless20something]

DH and I don't have a child yet but looking to have one in the near future.

At the moment, I feel like I will want to go back to work full time because I love my job and there is chance to become a manager of a new branch.

However, all of DH family have an opinion and keep saying that I should do part time because otherwise a childminder or nursery are bringing up our child...

The initial thought is to have 2 days CM and 2 days nursery and my mum having the other day (she'll be retired and has offered to help).

On my current hours, I have every 3rd Wednesday off to work the Saturday so if it was the same, then there would be that day off.

My boss, who owns the business, works full time and she is an inspiration and her kids love her to bits but her husband is a PT so he is at home a lot during the day to help.

I know it's all completely speculative because I might completely change how I feel when I actually have a baby but I just wondered what you all thought and if there is anyone with both parents working full time and how it does all fit in.....

Why don’t your DH family tell your DH to go part time? Why do you have to be the one sacrificing your career?

Why childminder and nursery rather than one or the other? Childminder, nursery and grandparent is a lot f chopping and changing for a little one, it might be easier if they had more of a routine

If you don’t want to use full time nursery (we did), could your DH go part time?

I always assumed I would work FT after having kids. I was 34 wks pg before it occurred to me that maybe I didn't want to.

People find a way. UK maternity leave is generous. My DH was very happy to go PT often.

My DH would love to go part time but he works for a bigger company so the pay is better. I'm being promoted to sales manager and the pay is 21k because it's quite a small company whereas he's not even at a manger level and on 22k so if he can get promotions (only been there about a year and a bit so still early days) he'll be on better money.

I like the idea of nursery more than CM because they seem to learn a bit more and there's a bit more structure but nurserys are so expensive so was going to split it between nursery and CM to try and keep the cost down.

My boss is absolutely fantastic so I know she would work with me to try and do as many hours as possible so that it worked for me and the business.

Maybe panicking because DH and his family have never said before that it's like someone else raising your children but it's just panicked me and all I want is to be a mum but I want them to have a great life and I don't want to have to be worrying about money either....

I would say a CM is more structured than most nurseries as a childminder cares for children of varying ages and so there are set times of the day for certain events, such as taking older children to school, attending a toddler group. Both types of childcare provider follow the EYFS curriculum but how that is delivered will vary from provider to provider and different methods of learning suit different children. When the time comes you need to spend time looking at what services are available in your area which fit with the needs of your child.

As a nanny I can spend up to 12 hours a day with a child, caring for them in their own home. Having a nanny could be said to be having someone else raising your children but I can honestly tell you that no child in my care has seen it like that... they know who mum is, who dad is. Babies & toddlers form attachments to various key people in their lives and know the difference between them.

To not have to worry about money, avoid debt. Now is the perfect time to make sure you have no debt and save up money for the first few years of your babies life. When you become pregnant, don't go out spending money on expensive cribs, buggies etc... be frugal and selective, buy what is needed not what you want so you can show off that your baby has the best! Start now by managing your money well and saving for the future.

Is there any chance you could do compressed hours in your job? I work Mon-Thursday 8-6 and gave Fridays off. If you could do that and your mum could look after your baby one day a week then they could go to nursery for 3 days a week.

consider childminder for first year or two then nursery or childminder and preschool.

Could you delay DC to concentrate on your career and get the managerial position, then have DC?

Yeah i probably could do compressed hours and have thought about that as an option.

When I say DH, we're actually not married yet and getting married next year and the other half doesn't want to wait much longer before having kids. He's only 26 but in his family, they all have had kids young so both his mum and sister had finished having kids by 26 so he feels like he's old!

I'm old fashioned though and have said no babies until marriage!

Ideally you need wiggle room because you’re not sure how you will feel til you get there. I was stridently pro full time work and full time nursery til I tried it. Actually I’d say that strangers don’t bring up your kids at nursery, they just provide cover for a certain number of hours but it isn’t the same as care at home.

My dd hated her childcare from about 2 years onwards and we have tried everything, I’ve backtracked to part time after years of trobikr but many people have children happy in full time nursery.

I’d also secure the marriage and management jobs if you can pre dc because the more senior and trusted you are, the more flexibility you have and that really helps. Every year of experience I got before having dc at 30 was worth so much post 30 as I could coast along more.

A higher part time salary is also worth thinking about if you do end up cutting any hours.

To be honest for consistency at that age I’d do one or the other.. 4 days nursery or four days CM. It’s two separate places to settle into, two separate places that do things differently. If you think in a week plus your mum looking after him one day that’s three diff places? A lot for one small person to deal with

Some of it depends on the settings too depending on your gut feel of nurseries and Cm available when you go and look in your area. There are a lot of unknowns to wade through.

I think the best way to avoid DH's family butting in is to avoid talking about it with them, to be honest. If you're talking through theoretical plans you're kind of inviting them to express an opinion, if just tell them what you're doing after the baby arrives they can just put up and shut up.

I know one couple who both work full time and have a baby, quite a few where one partner's full time and one does 4 days or so. Whatever you do, you get used to it.

I would say I think a CM is a better idea if you're going back to work before about 9 months or so, it's more similar to home life. At that age it's more about comfort than actively being taught anything.

Also, I don't mean this horribly but things don't always go according to plan - if you're intending to buy/set up home that can take longer than planned, you don't always conceive straight away etc. It's also possible that your boss might be less than 100% supportive, particularly if it's a small company.

Pregnancy is really a gamble because you just can't know what will happen, you just have to hope for the best. That's not to worry you, but there's no point at which everything is 100% perfect, you just have to find a fairly good time and deal with crap that comes up if you have bad luck.

You might also want to read up on rights around mat leave and the right to request flexible working.

Could you work more Saturdays and have Wed at home (so 2 days nursery 1 with grandma 1 with you and 1 with dad).

That said it might be hard take a while to settle into nursery at only 2 days per week.

I wouldn't chop and change between nursery and childminder

I also agree with hindsight, we were pro-nursery but under 3 a CM would be better, we nanny’d with dc2 but emotional security is paramount and if you find a Cm with a small number of charges and a loving home environment they could be very happy there.

The advice not to overly involve family in your decisions is good as it can get very difficult feeling judged, and whatever you do there is always some angle you could feel bad.

Well, this is all rather premature given that you're not married yet, although I suppose it's sensible to think about how you will manage childcare before marrying and TTC.

My main concern here is that your DH seems to be very heavily influenced by his family, and they are all putting a lot of pressure on you already, which doesn't bode well for the future. It's up to you and your DH how you decide to raise your child. Your DH needs to make his own mind up, and he also needs to respect your views. If and when you marry and have children, you have to prioritise your marriage and family unit over families of origin. This might cause tensions if your DH's family are opinionated and he is easily influenced by them.

I also find it sexist and hypocritical that he/they are all pressuring you to give up or reduce your working hours, without even considering the possibility that he could do so.

You talk about difference in salaries, but £22k v £21k is a very insignificant difference. You talk about opportunities, but that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you (as a couple) prioritise his career, he will take the opportunities and increase his salary, while your opportunities are limited and your salary stagnates. If you want to continue to progress in your career - in terms of salary and opportunities - you have to protect it. That means thinking carefully about the impact of becoming a SAHM or going part time, and considering a compromise - for example, would 4 days a week still allow you to progress and protect your earning power? Don't forget pension contributions, too.

FWIW I think that in an ideal world, both parents would work 4 days a week, which wouldn't be too big a sacrifice career-wise. That only leaves 3 days a week for childcare. If there is a grandparent who is able and suitable, they could do 1 day a week and you could use a childminder or nursery for the other 2 days.

Btw childminder is generally thought to be better than nursery for children under 2/3, but of course it depends on the childminder and nursery. A good childminder is ideal but a good nursery is probably better than an average childminder. Anyway, you have PLENTY of time to make that decision!

Meanwhile... consider whether you and your partner will be on the same page when it comes to the big decisions, or whether you'll have to fight with his family as well as him.

When it comes to in-laws, the sh*t sometimes hits the fan after the first grandchildren are born. (It did for us.) Are you confident that your partner will back you up?

I didn't know what I wanted until baby arrived. I had this urge to push my career. Others have an urge to stay home. Have a plan A, B and C etc. as you don't know how you are going to feel until baby arrives.

I think you are smart to be married before having babies. Also get yourselves set up financially. DH and I lived off one income for the longest time.

Tell your DH's family to sod off! It would be cheeky enough for them to tell your DH to go part time, you're not even related and they're telling you what to do!

Anyway. It's a really personal decision and will depend a lot on your child too. Full time childcare would be too much for my DD so she goes to nursery three days a week and DH and I both work four days. It works well for us.

Once you have kids I think you just have to accept that you will probably have to make some compromises in order to get the right balance for your family. Personally though I think it's quite important that both partners are prepared to compromise. I hate the "mums should go part time" attitude that some people still seem to have as if the dad isn't even part of the equation, it's so outdated.

I agree that choosing either a CM or nursery would be better. Visit a few of both and see what you like. Both follow the EYFS curriculum.

Ignore your family telling you to give up work. Do what you want to do. A happy parent is better than a miserable parent doing what everyone else said was best. I look after children 50 hours a week and they still know their parents are their most important people.

cm's work to the same standards as nurseries are just as educational and structured. Have you actually visited any? They are inspected and regulated by Ofsted and have to do the same activities.

I would not use 3 types of care a week, that makes it very hard for baby to settle and can be a nightmare for routines like sleeping and feeding.

I've goneback full time.my daughter spends 2 days at nursery, 2 with my mum and 1with her auntie so its a nice mixture

I alwaya knew i would go back ft before i was even pregnant and that thought never changed.

And i definitely preferred the nurseries we saw to childminders, just our personal preference