Excuse the long post giving some context.
My PIL occasionally mind their 1 grandchild. Both are retired , MIL lives for grandchild and often says it’s what makes her life complete and gets her out of bed.
DH and I in the past have always thanked PIl for any evenings out in way of gifts / treats / meals out/ paid for family hotel stays/ small tokens etc.
FIL is very suppressing , in general doesn’t want to do anything , go anywhere or ever spend any money (even for a coffee for example while at a park) MIL is opposite has a limited friend circle loves to meet people and be out and about with grandchild. So we would often include her in any events we go to and ensure we treat her to food/ drinks etc that’s FIL would normally make a big deal over.
Both my parents have passed and I have no other family. My DD is in Creche full time. We noticed that although adored by MIL she rarely offered to help for a baby sitting night and we would get a local sitter for a few hours very occasionally when needed. DH approaches MIL who explains that FIL wants to take payment for any baby sitting as it’s a service and services should be paid for.
While I don’t have any objection to paying for 2-3 hours sitting I’m now starting to feel like interactions are transactional.
We pay the going rate of our usual baby sitter. MIL recently refused to be paid for an overnight saying she enjoyed the time immensely and felt to guilty, DH tried several times and she refused to accept. we continue to treat whenever possible , however FIL (who is very passive and would never say anything outright) told DH after this I’m a round about way that all money should be put in an envelope and leave it to ensure MIL does take it. I since took the money for the overnight to FIL and said we want to straighten up the money and he accepted it although MIl was clearly mortified.
I now feel like I’m unsure where the line is..... if we visit them which we often do and I nip to the shop for 20 mins do I pay ? If so how much? MIL won’t discuss money , we end up hiding it in her bag or somewhere. Most recently DH birthday and I arranged for her to sit for about 4 hours, she decided to sleep over so this was then classed as an “overnight” and we paid €50. I sense she doesn’t want the cash in this way but FIL who is obsessed with money does. It’s so sad to see her genuinely with a new lease of life when grandchild is there , but the whole envelope and counting out every hour feels a little cold.
We would never take advantage of her, I feel like we have always gone way above with gifts and paying for things that they wouldn’t pay for themselves or treat themselves too ..... now I sense FIL just sees us as a financial transaction (although he loves grandchild and they have so much fun together)
Friends have advised to go back and use local sitter so lines are clear but this would break MIL heart as she enjoys the few hours so much.
I’m not sure this even makes sense, I suppose I’d just love to hear how others pay grandparents for an odd night out?
Just to be clear I don’t have an issue with giving them money we would be paying a baby sitter - it’s the how much and how often? Where do you draw the line? As I don’t have parents I don’t have anything to compare too in terms of what’s normal or not. All advice appreciated.