Au pair meals

[katieks]

Just asking for some opinions please.

We have a new au pair. Everything seems to be going well, but there's a slight issue about meals. In our job advert, I put that the au pair can eat meals with us and I put examples of what we eat as well (having had previous au pairs who made smoked salmon risotto for lunch, etc, when we ate our cheese sandwiches!). I put that it would be fine for au pair to cook her own meals if she preferred but that she would then be expected to buy her own food if it wasn't something that we usually ate/bought.

So to the new au pair - she is a vegan and eats organic food. We eat meat and buy almost everything from Lidl/Aldi and non-organic. She's asked whether she can give me a list of organic food things that I need to buy from the local health-type shop. I objected about buying organic things as they cost more and said she could have as much fruit and veg from normal stuff that we buy. We've never bought organic as it costs more and we buy 'standard' fruits, eg. we buy apples, oranges, bananas rather than cranberries and kiwis. She pointed out that as she didn't eat meat, what we saved with that would be equivalent to what she required spending on organic and unusual foods/fruits/nuts.

She has a point in a way, but I am worried about this becoming very expensive. It's Tuesday and we're almost through our usual weekly fruit supply because of her smoothies. I asked her to give me the list and I'd have a look at how much things were. What do others think? What would be a good compromise? I know part of the deal is free board and lodging but I did specifically list examples eg, cereal/toast for breakfast, sandwiches/noodles/soups for lunch, then typical (by UK standards) evening meals. I knew she was vegan before she started, but I figured if she wanted tofu, etc. then she would buy it herself as it wasn't something we usually ate and the role advert was clear on that. We didn't specifically discuss who would pay for non-standard (in our household) foods at interview.

Just in case - NO offence intended to anyone who might take any - I have nothing against organic/vegan/religious/atheist/etc/etc. people.

I'm a bit shocked at the lack of understanding about the vegan lifestyle by some of the posters on this thread. It is a belief and a lifestyle choice, not a 'whim' or 'fad' OP, I also think that you should simply give her an extra £10-£15 a week to buy her organic things, or speciality products like tofu. Other things, like fresh fruits and vegetables, lentils, beans, nuts and grains are incredibly cheap anyway and I think it would be odd for you not to supply these. R.E the extra fruit and veg she is eating, that unfortunately (for you, not her) is part of a healthy, vegan lifestyle. I personally would not supply organic fruit and veg, as it would require going out of your way to source. She is being unreasonable to expect you to do that.

OK, so last week I gave her £10 to top up her organic food with and bought loads of extra veg/fruit and lots of nuts - all now finished. This week she's asked whether I can give her £30 and she'll just buy her own stuff and not eat with us.

I don't know what to do. I think £30 is too much, but is it? I have never had this problem before! In the past my main issue has been au pairs eating all my chocolate, biscuits and crisps whereas with this one that's not an issue. Even jar sauces are not suitable for her as she doesn't eat sugar (and they ALL contain sugar), as I found out when I wanted to make a veggie curry.

Opinions/advice please.

My last au Pair was veggie and we accommodated her fine as we eat loads of wuprn and beg stuff so it was nothing extra

I absolutely wouldn't have a vegan au pair because I'm not prepared to accommodate that - it means cooking separate meals and having more mess in the kitchen etc

I think an extra £30 per week is a lot for a family budget

However you did hire her and if you're happy with her and she gets on with the kids I think you need to find a way forward which isn't prohibitively costly for you all and meets her needs

I would absolutely buy things like tofu etc for her as as always ask our au pairs before they join us, what their food likes and dislikes are etc and make sure we can reasonably accommodate them

I would be happy to provide things like almond milk , vegan cheese , some tofu / vegan quorn and some different veg and fruits from aldi so she can easily join in family meals but if she wants fancy stuff then i would say to buy it herself

I would say free board and lodge

and :

Welcome to eat our meals with us if you like them, but otherwise must provide own food

offer her £10 extra per week in her pay and ask her to do her own shopping, she is there to help you not the other way round

I would say no to this if you were definitely as clear in your ad as you say you were in the OP. (I don't mean to sound aggressive.)

I agree that if you took the point of spelling out your expectations, and she has clearly come to stay with you thinking those were optional, that's not on. Stuff like that drives me mad.

I would explain to her what a previous poster said, that in order to meet your weekly budget expectations you need to be working her into your meal plan for the most part, not catering for her entirely separately. £30 is a weird figure - it's not enough to feed an adult for a week. She won't be able to cater for herself on this budget. So, what will end up happening, I venture, is that she will be using ingredients that you also need for your own meals, plus her food allowance. In reality, I believe this means your budget will go up by £50 or more per week. I think you will be looking at a couple of hundred onto your food bill more per month.

I think £30 is fine if she's not eating your food too - surely everyone spends about £30 per adult a week?

We spend about 90 for two of us so I think 30 is really good!

I think it's unrealistically low.

She's working for free right? If so an extra 30-50 pw for expenses is ok

No au pairs are paid. OP hasn't said what she's getting though.

I'm in France and the au pair thing is really strictly surveyed.
So I pay the minimum of 264€/ month. But on top I pay:
A years worth of French lessons at the University,
a flat,
a mobile phone,
they have use of a car plus diesel (they pay for their own sight seeing, but I pay for everyone if it's a day out),
a credit card to get what they/we need without asking but giving me all receipts. (Im notified immediately of all expenditure on that account so could block if necessary).
They eat with us, but if they don't I'd give 40€ per person.
They are allowed to work up to 20 hours a week, must have 2 days off and aren't allowed to look after children under 2 unsupervised.

So OP is what you are offering comparable?

I think if she's totally catering for herself £30 isn't very generous. But if it's all you can afford it's just doable on non organic. The thing is being vegan is quite restrictive already and unless she is an adequate cook she will struggle even more on a tight budget. But it's all a learning curve.

You do need to talk to her about it though. Unhappy campers in your home are a PIA.

Wanting to cook and eat separately would be a deal breaker for me. Part of the au pair deal is that they eat family meals with you.

I would take her to Aldi and let he add £10 or so of special/extras to your shop.

Actually, vegan/gluten free/paleo/dairy allergy etc would mean I wouldn't hire them.

Money aside, will it not be a pita having someone cook again every night? I like to cook one meal than get the kitchen tidied up.

Not sure whether it matters if what the op is offering is comparable to France! It isn't as strictly surveyed here, and everyone has slightly different arrangements but the point is if you are totally clear at the outset on everything (pay/perks/hours etc) then there are no surprises for either party. The point is if she was clear in her ad about the arrangement then it's a bit late to be renegotiating. I think that £30 won't cover it, and would stick with giving an extra top up each week. Otherwise you are looking at a hefty add-on to your grocery bill each month, and setting a precedent for all sorts of renegotiation.

"Not sure whether it matters if what the op is offering is comparable to France! "

Well it matters if the au pair is well treated to begin with. People are saying that au paris are paid, but they usually only get an allowance.

I think OP is being a bit narrow minded and the au pair's food is probably healthier, but I also think that 30 pounds is more than enough for food for a week. Doesn't that work out at 1.40 a meal including breakfasts? Or have I missed something (my maths isn't great).

I think she's being quite cheeky tbh. She could not possibly have assumed you were vegan when you hired her and she was hired on the basis she would eat meals with the family. I know I could add an additional adult to our basic household food budget without spending an extra £30 a week; what I couldn't do is add an additional adult who wanted to eat completely separate foods to us. But that's surely not your problem in its entirety and some of the cost should be coming out of her pocket, not yours. I would compromise at £20. She can find the expensive stuff herself.

*fund

Give her an extra £15 or £20 per week to buy her own additional stuff. It is no more than it would cost for her portion of "ordinary" foods that you eat. Also give her own shelf in fridge.

Although it would irritate me, not the vegan element but the fact she is seemingly not compromising or recognising the fact that her diet is out of step with the family.

There's nothing wrong with you eating apples and bananas etc instead of kiwis and cranberries, as some other posters have suggested. You don't have to take her eating habits on board as part of any "experience", she's there to look after the kids. If you want to then all well and good but that's like asking her to eat spaghetti bol because it's part of her "experience".

JennyPocket: I agree with you on this. The OP hired her on the basis that she would eat with the family, so there is no obligation to buy her specific fruits and veg that they don't eat themselves.

X posts.

Why not say you'll trial giving her the £30 and revise if it's working after 4 weeks, in terms of whether it's enough or if she's still eating a significant proportion of the household staples on top of her £30 food allowance.

If she's competent, doesn't take the mickey re things like phone use etc and nice with the kids, it's probably cheaper and easier to try and work out the food stuff with her in the long run than lock horns over it and then go through the bother of hiring someone else.

Doglikeafox it might be a belief instead of a lifestyle choice but OP is not saying au pair can't be vegan, she just doesn't want to fund someone's beliefs as such which is additional to the family budget/shopping habits. Beliefs are personal, why should they/do they automatically trump everyone else's belief system? There's not a hierarchy of beliefs we all have to adhere to.

There can be a meeting in the middle, but I am firmly of the opinion that compromise should happen on both sides instead of one bending to beliefs (or lifestyle choices) when it's out of step with their norms.

The no sugar thing is harder than the the vegan thing I think! That rules out things like Thai curry paste etc

Unless she is happy to take over all the cooking?? Or is that bad?

I think you need to get a different au pair.