Asking au pair to not spend 2 evenings with us a week

[MabelAllan]

Our new au pair arrives this evening, and I'm just finishing writing her welcome booklet. She seems great and I'm really excited. But I've read various threads on this board about au pairs who either never leave the house, or spend all their time on the sofa in the living room. I think that would drive me mad! We've organised language classes and ballet lessons for her, and she's already met a few local au pairs online - she seems motivated and I'm hoping that hanging around the house the whole time won't be a problem.

But do you think it's reasonable to say, from the off, that, for most of the week, she's very welcome to eat dinner with DP and I in the evening, and join us watching telly or chatting. But for 2 nights a week, we'd like to have the evening to ourselves (or to invite friends over): and on those nights, please could she either eat when I cook for the children, or cook for herself, and then vacate the living room/dining room, so that DP and I can get some relationship time together? Or do you think that's unreasonable?

I wouldn't write it down to be honest, it could be taken the wrong way especially if this is her first experience.

I'd let it run this week and let her get settled in and then say next Friday sit down for a "how was your first week?" Chat to air any problems (hopefully none arise) and to ask if she wouldn't mind eating with the kids the next night as you'd like some alone time with your dp

You may well find that she might like to go out/have alone time in the evenings anyway so after you've seen if that's the case you may or may not need to face the issue.

As an ex au pair with something similar written in my welcome package 20 odd years ago I was always uncomfortable around the family as I thought I was in the way when that wasn't the case

is your au pair a completely fluent English speaker? It's important to keep your manual to the point and simple. I also think you should specify 2 days a week just for you and your DH. As usual the posters above who think it's unacceptable don't actually have au pairs!

I would put something like "On Saturday and Thursday, DH and I would like to spend a little time alone. One those days please can we ask that you eat with the children and keep the main living room free. You are of course welcome to join us for dinner on the other nights.

I think it is fine, but take out all the 'would you mind' and 'if that's ok' unless she is a native speaker - it's too confusing. Make your language clear and simple.

DH works away quite a lot. Our handbook says something like: We usually eat dinner as a family at 6pm and would like you to join us unless you have plans. When DH is home we like to spend time alone together in the evenings from about 8.30pm.

So far it has worked out fine. AP spends about half the evenings watching TV etc with me, when DH is around we all eat dinner together and she tends to hang out in her room or go out in the evenings.

There is nothing wrong with what you are suggesting. Contrary to what some on mn will tell you treating her as part of the family does not mean that you have to agree to the au pair snuggling up on the sofa with you and your dp every night and you do not have to invite her to join you and your friends. It is very clear that for your relationship to remain healthy you and your dp need a decent amount of time alone together every day and you will quickly become social pariahs if people organise babysitters for the evening and then find they have to make small talk with your au pair for the evening. As you have dcs most of your relationship time and a large part of your social life is likely to be in the home and it is not because of that the au pair must be included. Hers is likely to be out of the house but I suspect you won't be offended if she doesn't expect you to be accompanying her to meets ups with her friends/boyfriend. Most people the age of au pairs will be very happy to spend a great deal of time in their bedroom if it is comfortable, has a tv, internet connection etc. Whilst they are treated as a member of the family this should not be taken to such an extreme that it is to the detriment of your family (i.e. erodes your relationship with your dp due to lack of alone time) - they will move on after a year or so, year after year of putting your relationship/social life in the back seat to ensure your au pairs feel welcome is putting necessary pressure on yourself - if you are clear and fair up front anyone reasonable will understand.

I think it's important you get the time to yourselves or to spend it with friends. I'd put it as having 'date nights'. The only thing that you need to make sure I'd that she has the chance to have a normal dinner at a table - so that she isn't 'forced' to scoff a microwave meal on her bed or sth - that would be mean.

I was an aupair years ago, and was part of the family - it was one of the best 9 months of my life. I don't think its fair to exclude a young girl who is away from home for the first time, and who has very little money to go out. If you want someone to look after the kids and not bother you in the evenings, sorry, but you need a nanny. The reason why you get away with paying an aupair below minimum wage is because she is part of the family. Pay her £10 an hour and then you can ask her just to come down for the hours she's looking after the kids.

They have more money for going out that most parents. Being part of the family doesn't mean being part of the couple.

We are in our second month with our au pair and I think it is absolutely fine to lay out those types of rules. Having an au pair is quite an intense experience and it would drive me nuts if our au pair was constantly hanging out with us in the evening (luckily he is quite discrete..).and regarding a previous post... They get plenty of pocket money and have no expenses otherwise - of course they have enough money for going out on the weekend!

Our au pair's allowance is over three times the amount of spare cash that myself and DP have to spend per month (and our personal allowance needs to fund mobile phone bills etc too, whereas hers is paid for)! And I was only talking about one night a week; not every night. For 6 nights a week, we're very happy to spend the evening with her.
Thanks everyone - v useful thread. Have reworded the request in the welcome handbook, and she's absolutely fine with it. Also v useful to hear from people with older children, and the importance of maintaining some couple time with teenagers in the house. Thanks all!

I did worry about this, but hoped that I had chosen someone who seemed confident enough to not rely on us too much. Our au pair spends most evenings skyping friends in her room and in some ways I wish she spent a little more time with the family! She is happy doing her own thing and joins us some evenings depending on what the children are watching or what else is going on.

She also eats with the children at 5.30/6pm and is happy to do so. I explained that because OH works long hours, our mealtime is often the only time we get to sit and talk. I stay in the kitchen and chat to everyone whilst they are eating though and I always make sure that we all eat together at the weekends where possible.

I expect it will all fall in to place once your au pair arrives

I would expect if you want time to yourselves then you should go to your room? Get a TV up there and beat a retreat if you want privacy?

When my parents had friends over we would all eat together? If they wanted adult conversation they would go out! I cant imagine my parents sending my to my room as an 18 year old, I used to join in the chat! And they would often bring their same age kids too.

I think 1 night is better but perhaps saying it in person as suggested above not writing it down it could sound a bit harsh. As long as you have wifi and a tv in her room. She might be out anyway! Or skpying in her room etc I wouldnt worry.

I'm going to dissent here.

It's totally fine to entertain your friends at home w/o the au pair there. She may well not want to anyway and for those saying YOU MUST include her there is nothing worse than when you invite them and they sit there, a silent presence, saying nothing whatsoever. You know they'd prefer to be elsewhere, but don't want to be rude so accepted. It usually happens once...

If it's a like a roast on Sunday where your children are also attending, I would invite her for sure.

But another couple or two plus the au pair -totally weird for her, you, and your guests.

And yes I am one of those people who wouldnt; expect my teens to be there every time I hung out with adult friends.

Just explain to her that you want to catch up with your mates but you can't always go out. If your children aren't there, she will understand. If it's a house full where everyone but her is included yes it's rude.

Our au pairs have generally been quite young though, like 18-19. The late teens have NOT wanted to hang out with 40-somethings. They tend to have great relationships with the children, which is the main thing, but definitely thought of us a 'host parents'.

Our current Spanish au pair who is a bit older I'd include if she fancied it because she is much more comfortable socially with DH and me. We are not her 'host parents' - she's lived and worked as a grown up before and you can really tell the difference.

I don't see a problem with that OP but I would also make it clear to her that she's fine to take snacks and things up to her room if she wants, there's not a problem with her popping downstairs to make another cup of tea if she wants to-that kind of thing. Like, she's not banished to upstairs if she needs something she can come and get it. (You may well already have made that clear)