Grandparents taking baby out in car

[user1467323570]

My daughter is 8 months old and I will soon be returning to work 3 days a week.
My mil and fil are extremely persistent on seeing her 1+ times a week and have pushed for me to get them a car seat when they start to mind her.
I wasn't 100% comfortable with this but kind of got forced into buying a seat last week for them for when she's a little older.
Anyway. Every time they look after her they make comments like " oh we wil just pop her in the car seat and take her out" I've had to keep saying not until she's at least 1.
I really do not feel comfortable with not knowing where she is at all times.
My fil is always taking my daughter away from me when they see her. She suffers quite badly with separation anxiety and whenever fil takes her she crys, but he just runs off with her trying to calm her, I've said a million time she will not calm down until you pass her back to me. He does not listen.
We went for dinner the other night and fil took my daughter outside as she was getting bored. Two minutes later they were no where to be seen! He dissapeared with her for half an hour and know one knew where they had gone! I was furious!
I'm so worried about them just doing what they want with her in the car when I'm
at work. I'm worried il come home and they won't even be here!
The other thing is they do not stick to her routine I've worked so hard to put into place. The other day they put her down for her morning nap (that she has from 8.30/9.30) at 10-11.30!! She then of course didn't have her two hour afternoon nap.
Please help! I've tried speaking to them but they kind of brush it aside and don't listen anyway. How do I say to them that I don't want them taking my daughter wherever they want when I'm at work? Ild rather she was in nursery where I knew where she was at all times!
Also, fil does never has his mobile phone on him and mil leaves hers in her bag, I've tried to call whilst at work in the past and no one ever answers or texts back!
So sorry to moan, I also know they have kind hearts and are trying to help.

Oh gosh, ok I now realise I'm maybe being unseasonable.
I of course drive her everywhere, we do lots throughout the days. I just feel a little uneasy about someone else driving her that's not me or my partner.
My mil and fil are mid 70s, they are fit and well on the most part. I guess Im worried about the lifting her in and out of the car and I thought that by the age of 1 she won't be as fragile and can move more for herself.
I am a very anxious person and she is my first baby. I also get extremely worked up about things that are out of my control!
I guess I need to let go and let her spread her wings, I can't worry forever or she will never develop!
Thanks for all the advice.
I'm going to speak about a couple of things to my mil and fil but the majority I feel are right. My daughter gets so bored at home!
Thanks all x

Whilst it is normal to feel anxious when leaving your baby with others, especially at first, I find it very weird that your pil aren't trying to help you feel more comfortable by carrying their mobiles, speaking to you before taking her for impromptu half hour walks, walking away with her when she is crying and you are telling them to give her to you.

We don't drive and I wouldn't have wanted my baby going on unnecessary car trips at that age. Cars are dangerous and there is plenty within walking distance near us. Depends on your circumstances obviously, but I think it's reasonable to say this.

Your choice is whether to choose paid for childcare or to have a clear conversation with them and your dh.

Ps, my partner 100% trusts and adores his parents and he loves that they have so much involvement with our daughter. I do aswell, I just have a couple of concerns which I will raise with them.
I just want to know where she is! This is my main concern. I feel if I give them an inch they take a mile. Maybe if I give them our schedule of baby groups and what we do? I also want my little girl to continue what we do weekly. Or is this too controlling?!

Look, don't stress over it - we've ALL been there at some stage. I was the same with our first over certain things - weirdley I was fine with MY parents doing stuff but had an issue with his parents,. Until he pointed out to me that his parents had managed to raise four of them to adulthood without killing any of them.

My MIL has ds one day a week... she couldn't believe that we didn't give her a list and kept asking what she was allowed to do on her day (she has other grandchildren whom she's had triple A4 instructions for)

We've told her 'look after him and hand him back fed please' she has total free reign on her day - they have an amazing relationship and adore each other.

He's 4 now - and I love hearing about their adventures (allotment tidying, park, day at the coast, visiting relatives, rambling) most of which are a car journey away.

Far to controlling they should be able to take the DC to the park or the seaside on a warm day. I don't get the whole calling in and checking in. You wouldn't get that from a nursery, they would only contact you if they needed to, I would gather the same would be the case for your inlaws. It sounds like you want them there to just follow up on the stuff you no longer can do with your DD because your at work. They aren't there to facilitate this for you. You could ask to take her to one but not to just fill you there days with your DD of what you want her to do.

Glad you've taken the advice on board op. I would chat to them about her baby groups and see if they want to take her. Communication is key here.

Oh bless you. I have a 9 month old so understand why you are anxious. It is tough preparing to go back to work and coping with a whole new way of life again after so much time spent one to one with your daughter.

In the kindest way possible unfortunately it will be tough to know where she is and what she is doing ALL the time. This is the nature of childcare and why it is so important to have full trust in whoever will be looking after her. I'm back at work for the first time this week and DD is with her grandmothers for two days and nursery for three days. The nursery days I have been really worried about, how she will cope with strangers, not having one on one attention, trying to sleep/eat with 10 other babies around. She has to be fair done brilliantly, as have the nursery, but is knackered as her naps have gone to pot!

When she is with her grandparents however they will have their full attention on her, and they will shower her with love and affection. If I were you I would suggest the baby groups as options but I wouldn't try and force them. At this age she won't know any different if she goes or not, but if there are some that are important to you then by all means express that to the PILs.

I do agree that they need to be doing all they can on their side to ease your anxiety, without going OTT. If they do decide to take her out (and actually to be fair for the entire duration of looking after her) they should be contactable. I'd feel so nervous if I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get hold of my childcare whilst my DD was with them!

Tell your partner "I might be being silly but I'm really anxious about leaving the baby can you speak to your parents and ask them to be patient with me?"
You are being a bit silly but it's understandable, after a little time you will probably be extremely appreciative. My mum still has photo albums and journals my grandmother made when they looked after me while she was working.

By the age of one she will be heavier and more mobile so more awkward than at 8 months! Surely it will be better for her to be with people who love her and will give her one to one attention than in a nursery.
They will take her to parks and play areas and she will have a wonderful time.
I looked after my two grandsons from when they were six months old. I am in my 70s and dh is 80. Now we just do after school pick ups but then we did, Rhyme Time at the library, Tumble Tots at the gym, soft play, duck feeding, park etc etc....much richer than staying at home would have been.

Nursery won't stick to the same schedule either as they will have lots to nap and activities planned

The only way to have exact is to hire a nanny and be very specific

At 9monthe though I think routines isn't needed so strict. They can nap whenever in cot/ on laps/ in pram/ in car. As long as they do nap sometime does it really matter when?

Also if your out working a later bedtime can be better as then you can spend say 6-9pm with her, and so can sleep 9-7am then nap more in the day instead ( easier for grandparents to have a break and continue offering childcare also)

There will come a time when you will be over the moon for them to take her out. I was like you when I first had dd. I was so over-protective looking back. I hated it once when mil took dd out and changed her mind and went somewhere else without telling me! She also used to take her out for a whole day when I was more comfortable with an hour in the park.

Nursery wouldn't stick to your routine either, they would have their own for the sake of all the children. But I agree with pps, if you agree to them looking after you have to let go a bit. One day a week sounds ideal if you are anxious and then paid childcare the rest of the time.

Thank you all. Really aprreciate the feedback. I actually really glad I posted this!
And I am 100% grateful and thankful that mil and fil are so happy to look after her whenever they can. We would be paying a bomb in childcare otherwise.
I used to have the best time with my nanny and grandad when I was little and I of course want her to have a great bond with both.
My partner thinks I'm mental 🙄 Ha I know I'm controlling especially when it comes to my little girl. I need to let goooooooo!
I will. It takes time, and I'm getting there. You should have seen me when she was first born!
Thanks again all x

OP YABU! If you want to have complete control and someone stick religiously to your routine you need to employ a nanny... Not even a nursery can necessarily stick to a child's routine as they have 50+ children to cater for.

You need to breathe and relax a little!