Male Childminder Opinions

[andy86]

I currently work in childcare and am contemplating becoming a Registered Childminder operating from my home. Before I embark, I need to get a general feeling of attitudes toward males in childcare in this modern world. Would you and your partner consider a male looking after your child all day? Would you choose a female over a male? Can a male bring something a little different to the role? It's all research, so I can make an informed decision to see whether it will realistically work as a career path, purely based on being a male.

Is it the toileting and changing nappies of baby and toddler girls that is offputting to some people with it being a man?

I wouldn't give a 2nd thought being a mum to a boy if a male teacher/childminder etc helped him or changed him since they have those bits themselves - or equally being a woman myself and used to helping him I'm comfy with women helping him

It just occurred some people might find that harder to be okay about?

I would feel uncomfortable I think - but I recognise that's my problem. I chose nurseries over childminders because I worried about the safety.element of leaving them with one person and I think those anxieties would be heightened with a man.

I would have no issue with it, no reason to. If I was going to be worried about abuse I would first have to start worrying about having family mind dd.

I would be quite keen to have a male childminder, particularly with a young child, because most primary school teachers are female and it would be a nice balance.

Good luck!

LastGirl no one is saying that you are obliged to have a male CM, just that you are illogical in your thinking. Your house, your rules is fine, your mind, your logic doesn't apply though!

pigeonpoo - yes I think my main concern is around changing nappies etc. I would not feel comfortable with a man I do not know changing DD. Again I know this is illogical and I'm aware of the fact that many (most?) cases of abuse occur within the family. It's simply the way I feel. When we were looking for a childminder for DD we met one lovely lady but discounted her when we learnt her husband worked with her. Aside from the fact her DH seemed unpleasant, DP did not feel happy about it and neither did I.

I would be OK with a male CM for DS when he is a bit older and verbal.

DH works with me as a childminder. He simply cannot understand how anyone could possibly be turned on by the vile nappies the kids can produce. He assures me that sex is the last thing on his mind!!

As for the babies and toddlers, all they care about is that someone changes them. They really don't give a monkeys which gender does the job!

I admit that when DC were tiny I would have been reluctant - however, I would also have been fully aware that it was due to my own personal experiences (knowing someone, and being badly hurt by someone who had the potential to use his charm, plausibility and career choice to hurt children. luckily he was caught before he did any actual harm. intentionally vague )

However. When DD2 was in the toddler room at creche there was an amazing male worker, who she adored. He loved the kids, did rough and tumble games, and every day I came in to collect DD, there would be a gang of kids clustered around him listening to him like he was a god. I definitely revised my opinion.

My DS is with a childminding couple and he adores them both but he especially loves the male partner he says they're best friends!

I think it's positive to have both men and women in all aspects of childcare.

Having illogical beliefs is one thing, we're not all paragons of Socratic reasoning all the time, but having illogical, discriminatory beliefs, knowing they are illogical and discriminatory and not doing anything to get rid of them is another. Suppose a man posted that he did not want his male child minded by a woman because women pollute males and he knew this was illogical but that's the way it is in his house where his rules apply, would that be acceptable?

Booboostwo How do you 'get rid of' your beliefs, illogical or otherwise? Genuine question. If I feel uncomfortable with a male childminder looking after my DD how can I make myself feel ok about it? I suppose I could place DD with one and try to force myself to overcome my feelings but honestly, I doubt any male CM would want to look after a child under those circumstances.

A nursery setting would be different and I would not have a problem with a male key worker for DD when she eventually starts nursery. I'm just giving the OP honest feedback, I would not have left her in the care of a male CM when I returned to work - she was 10 months old. Luckily if this thread is anything to go by he will not have too many problems finding mindees.

Eastie we change our beliefs based on evidence. Suppose Abby thought Athens is the capital of France, we would show her a map, get her to talk with a geography teacher, get her to visit Athens and Paris. In this case a belief that make male CMs are more dangerous can be countered by the statistical evidence that they are not, and the reality that DCs will come across men everywhere (teachers, doctors, bus drivers) and avoidance is not a good strategy.

However, i think what you are asking is how you get rid of the feeling. Once you have been convinced a belief is wrong we generally drop it automatically, e.g. I can't imagine anyone having a reason to hold onto the idea that Athens is the capital of France when presented with evidence to the contrary, however this is not true of all beliefs. You may be able to rationally acknowledge that male CMs are no more or less likely to abuse DCs than female ones but still fear the possibility. How you get rid of this fear depends on its origin and strength. If a parent had been abused by a male CM as a child it may take years of counseling to get over worries about male CMs and that is perfectly understandable. For a lesser fear try working against it, e.g. go for something you find less frightening like a nursery with male workers, familiarize yourself with the object of your fear e.g. meet male CMs and see how they get on with their mindees, habituate yourself in doing what scares you.

It is also worth examining your beliefs and their origins in detail as this may give you more ammunition to reject them. For example, why would you not leave your 10mo specifically with a male CM? If it is her age that concerns you then maybe the worry is that men are unable to look after babies rather than abuse worries. This is a sexist belief and recognizing it as such will make it easier for you to reject it. You kmow men are as capable as women to look after babies so that prejudice crept up there and affected your decision (I am not saying it is your actual belief, just an example).

Apologies for the derail OP!

Jesebel you are wrong in your assumption that men are more likely to abuse or that it is more likely in a cm setting, there are many well publicised cases of women in nurseries abusing children and often women are involved in abuse in settings including the home.

Men objecting are actually stereo typing their views of gender roles and not considering abuse properly but suggesting any man looking after a child can not be doing it for the challenge and joy childcare brings but must have an ulterior motive, personally then I wouldn't want those men looking after their own child because they would not be doing a good job but be doing it under duress and possibly be leaving them to fend for themselves over and above the bare minimum while they say watching tv, reading or whatever.

Its interesting that negative comments seem to forget abuse is not just sexual and most abuse against children is committed by women. As soon as men and childcare is mentioned so many leap to sexual abuse. In childcare other types of abuse would be more likely.

Women commit more abuse because neglect is included in the statistics.

So a single mother who is struggling and "neglecting" her child is committing abuse but the father who left them high and dry is not committing abuse.

When women do almost all the caring and most single parents are women..it is reasonable to assume that the majority of abusers would be women.

Calling women twits for feeling uncomfortable leaving their children with men who do commit almost all sexual violence is offensive and gas lighting. I know many women were abused as children. Not by family, by trusted men. It happens and it happens a lot.

women actually commit more violent abuse on children not just neglect.

The reality is that we are all discriminated against on the basis of gender every day.

I agree with squash that some of these posts are gaslighting, and also aren't helpful to the OP who is trying to get an understanding of attitudes in order to inform a career choice.

OP, I think a significant number of people won't use a male childminder for preschoolers. Not specifically because of nappy changing, but because pre-verbal / not-very-coherent children are more vulnerable. Other people won't mind, and some people will seek out a positive male influence for their children.

The posts from people who know male childminders are more relevant than individual posters saying whether they would use a male childminder or not. Sounds like it can work out, although I suspect it may depend on where you are located, and whether you are a good childminder or not of course

If you were to choose to set up a nursery (with female staff) your gender would give you an advantage. Likewise if you were to set up a children's club like football. Women can and do take on those roles too - but the cultural assumptions fall in your favour for those things. That's just the way it is.

I think it also depends hugely on what you are like as a person as to whether being a male cm works or not. I mentioned above that DH has been busy pretty much from the start. I have no doubt that there are lots of people who just don't contact us at all because they don't like the idea - it's not really quantifiable for us. What we do find though is that almost every person who comes to visit us to meet dh, see the setup etc, them asks for a space. That's very much a personality thing. He's very friendly, relaxed, easy going and utterly natural with children. He's also utterly reliable, very good with contact...

On the flip side there's another male cm near us who is a single guy and spends a lot of his time hitting on the mums in the playground and apparently has a major reputation for texting pictures of himself...needless to say he always has spaces available because he makes people uneasy. I know of occssions where hes failed to show for pickups, leaving a kid at the school and mum getting a phonecall. I wouldn't let him care for my cat!

I suppose what I'm saying is there's a lot more to it than just gender.

It is not true that almost all sexual abuse is committed by men. It's not even nearly true. A shockingly high number of sexual abusers are female and those are the reported cases - the ones that aren't dismissed because "women don't sexually abuse".

Just google "female sex offenders" and you'll find articles and reports bursting this particular bubble that still persists and does such disservice to victims of female sexual abusers - and yes, they can be serial predators as well.

www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/docs/sexual_assault_report_1-21-14.pdf

from the above

Women and girls are the vast majority of victims: nearly 1 in 5 women – or
nearly 22 million – have been raped in their lifetimes.

Most victims know their assailants.

Young people are especially at risk: nearly half of female survivors were raped
before they were 18, and over one-quarter of male survivors were raped before
they were 10.

The vast majority (nearly 98%) of perpetrators are male.

So if you see 2% as a shockingly high percentage. Then yes, you are correct.

Are you aware that, according to a report by Kidscape, 65% of victims reporting female sexual abuse to a professional were disbelieved when they disclosed? Are you aware that 85% overall were disbelieved?

All because there are people peddling the myth that female sexual abusers are rare or even non-existent

www.femalesexoffenders.org

Of course male abuse and violence against wonen needs to be stopped, as the American Whitehouse Council on Women and Girls report you've posted is calling for.
That doesn't mean we can ignore the victims of female sexual abuse and pretend it doesn't happen.

I'm not a statistician but it seems perfectly possible to conclude that 2% of perpetrators are female AND that of that 2% of those reported 65% of the victims were not believed. The White House report is not based on convictions, and in fact highlights problems with reporting, being believed for investigation and prosecution, and convictions.