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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Are my kids safe with au pair on valium?

46 replies

Fannydoesit · 16/01/2016 18:35

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year - newbie here. My au pair has been with us just under a week and I now realise she is on anti-anxiety meds, something which she didn't disclose before.

I don't disparage, but I have 4 kids whom she will be dropping off and picking up every day plus she will have sole charge of my 2 year old twice a week for a few hours. She complains everyday about dizziness, tremors, headaches and cries at the drop of a hat. I'm prepared to put it down to missing home, etc, but I do wonder if (with the known side effects of benzos) it is safe to leave my DCs with her or whether to politely and regretfully let her go...

OP posts:

SmileAndNod · 17/01/2016 21:17

Fuck me. As I (at the moment) need diazepam to function on a day to day basis whilst I'm waiting for CBT for my anxiety should I tell my MH nurse tomorrow that they should maybe take my clean, warm, fed, loved, doing well at school children away from me, since in clearly not fit to be a parent?

Devilishpyjamas · 17/01/2016 21:23

Dizziness, tremors & crying all the time - & 4 children. She doesn't sound as if she is functioning well - never mind the diazepam - that's irrelevant. OP's respinsibility is to her children & in this case I would not leave her in sole charge.

Devilishpyjamas · 17/01/2016 21:24

It may be relevant actually if it's a side effect/withdrawal - but it's the symptoms that are the issue - whatever is causing them.

NeckingtheNightNurse · 17/01/2016 21:43

I think this is a case of would you be comfortable in this situation she doesn't sound stable to me and really you want someone stable who you are paying to look after your children? I too have anti anxiety meds and in the past had diazepam. At the time I was on diazepam and taking it correctly was the only time I missed a school run as it made me so sleepy and I never wanted to take them again. Plus she has come to you with all these problems not like you have known her for ages and she has been really great up till now you don't owe her anything. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't for either of you. Trust your instincts.

TheoriginalLEM · 17/01/2016 21:49

smileandnod -it's nice to see mental health prejudice and ignorance rearing it's ugly head isn't it.

Jesabel · 17/01/2016 21:55

An au pair isn't a parent.

A parent who is crying all the time, dizzy, anxious and having tremors but can still do a good enough job looking after their children - fine, life isn't perfect.

A babysitting who is crying, dizzy etc and taking care of unrelated children (which is pretty stressful at the best of times) doesn't sound quite so great.

didyouwritethe · 17/01/2016 22:10

She is new to this country and you can't be sure the diagnosis of anxiety is correct. She may have other underlying medical issues, as yet undiscovered.

I think it's very different from a parent who has been in the medical system over here for a long time, knows her own health, and can certainly assess risk to her own dc. I feel very sorry for the au pair, but she won't be helped by trying to do her brand new job overseas (tough enough for anyone) and potentially failing.

wizzywig · 17/01/2016 22:16

OP have you been able to sit down and have an honest chat with her about if these are side effects or are the tremors etc how she just is these days?

bakeoffcake · 17/01/2016 22:21

Gosh I would be very worried for her.

She's in a new country and is crying, shaking and has other symptoms. The GP then said "there was nothing wrong with her apart form a cold"

You need to take her to another GP. What happens when her mess run out?

bakeoffcake · 17/01/2016 22:22

*meds run out?

blueshoes · 17/01/2016 22:30

I am prepared to be totally un-PC. These are my children and I would not leave my children in her care, not in a million years. It is a no-brainer and instant fail.

blueshoes · 17/01/2016 22:31

I am shocked she considered herself well enough to look after children. It shows a serious lack of judgment.

Yourface · 18/01/2016 07:32

I've been on and off anti anxiety meds (more on than off ), for 15 years and I would be v concerned! I 've had diazepam and it didn't do that to me but then we all react differently. Perhaps mine was a lower dose?

I've briefly been on meds that have made me feel like I literally couldn't function. Not drowsy just really weird side effects.

She sounds to me like she needs recuperation time rather than taking on a stressful new job in a foreign country, or failing that a reassessment. I know she's just had one but still....I recently had an awful rash on my face I saw 3 gp's over it and everything they gave me made it worse. It was 4th gp that got it right and it went! There's no reason and possibly less reason, for a mental health condition to be correctly addressed by the first or second gp she has seen.

Stillunexpected · 18/01/2016 09:03

How do you know what the GP said to her? She is 28, surely you weren't sitting in on the appointment with her?! I don't think she is fit to look after your children. She is newly on this medication which may need adjusting or changing completely to help her, she is in a new country, trying to deal with a new language and 4 children. This is not a time for her to be trying to manage her medical conditions as well. I think she needs to go home.

ReggaeShark · 18/01/2016 09:07

Diazepam aside, I wouldn't leave a stranger displaying those symptoms in charge of my children. No way.

JennyOnAPlate · 18/01/2016 09:32

I am not at all prejudiced against mental health conditions or medication (Prozac saved my life a few years ago), but I wouldn't leave her in sole charge of my children. NOT because she has anxiety but because she is dizzy and crying all the time. Those issues need to be resolved.

Karoleann · 18/01/2016 11:39

Your au pair is ill and her condition is not yet controlled well by medication. The fact that it is a mental health condition is irrelevant, you can't leave your children with someone who is that unwell.

Original poster

Fannydoesit · 18/01/2016 13:21

Thank you so much for your input guys, and words of advice. To respond:

I have spoken to her at length about her condition and about this perhaps being the wrong time for her to be making this change. She agrees with me that it's a bad time and will go back to see a different doctor for another diagnosis.

I've let her know that I'll be looking for a replacement so that she can take time to look after herself. I'm all for being sympathetic but i really can't take the time to look after someone else at the moment so unfortunately she'll have to go. As a parent I know what it's like when the kids are driving me up the wall! Never mind when it's a job!

Anyhow, thanks everyone!

OP posts:

OVienna · 19/01/2016 22:03

Some absolutely unbelievable responses in this thread.

The OP hardly knows this person.

Perfectly acceptable to decide it's not worth the risk.

Original poster

Fannydoesit · 20/01/2016 07:01

Stillunexpected, I did sit in with her at her insistence. She wasn't sure she would be able to communicate clearly enough, although she did in the end. She's leaving us next week though, before I'm a wreck just worrying about her and how she's getting on (which I am all the time) as she seems to be trying to wean herself off the meds. I feel very sorry for her.

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 20/01/2016 07:14

If she's going home next week she'd probably be better weaning herself off there under her usual medical supervision. Some people can react badly to withdrawal.

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