Sour times with childminder

[DecisionTime1]

My two children have been with their childminder for a few years. She recently chose to tell me she thinks one of them is autistic and that I should "get him checked" (he isn't, by the way - he just didn't like her so wouldn't make eye contact!)

As a family we were so upset that an unqualified (as in, not a psychologist) person would even consider saying this, let alone be thinking it for over a year, that we terminated her contract, gave her four weeks notice, and have now found a new nanny.

In the meantime, she is now spreading rumours among mutual friends that only contain half the story - that I sacked her, that she lost her job for being honest etc...

But surely, a childminder can't say things like that and expect to keep her job??

With regard to the rumours bit....I'm not sure that telling people factually what happened actually counts as 'rumours'. You say she's telling people 'that I sacked her, that she lost her job for being honest'. Maybe read your OP back because based on what you've said...'She recently chose to tell me she thinks one of them is autistic and that I should "get him checked" 'we were so upset that we terminated her contract' that seems to be exactly what happened?!

I agree with this!

That must have been a shock to hear and it may have been clumsily delivered -if the current rate of ASD diagnosis is 1%, then a typical childminder may only come across 1 or two children with ASD in their whole career. Added to this, that the diagnosis of ASD is considered so complex that 3 professionals are often involved.

However, she did the right thing to raise it. My DD1 now attends special school. I had concerns about her from an early age but not one professional could see it. Then, she started attending preschool and two workers took the courageous decision to approach me with their concerns. Thanks to their observations, people started listening and she was finally given an appointment with the Paediatrician who diagnosed her condition.

I have heard of parents do this before moving child in some cases repeatedly because it was suggested that child was referred and they just didn't want to hear it. Very sad for the child as the earlier a problem is diagnosed the better the outcome especially as it can take years. I had suspicions that there were issues with one child who then went to a nursery and was asked to leave then 2 school nurseries and is now in a special school unit, I really wished I had brought it up at the time. Since then I have done additional training and learned a lot more and actively get involved with children thought to be on the spectrum and have prepared reports and gone to meetings to support the child in diagnosis. Unfortunately many parents feel we are only mums at home with no qualifications but prefer to go by a HV appointment that lasts a few minutes.
I think its doubtful that the child hates a cm so much after a few years they wont look at her yet mum was happy even after using temporary care to return. Especially when you consider these issues often get more pronounced as a child fails to develop socially in the normal pattern. Im guessing the Lo is around 2 or 3 which would not be an unusual time to raise concerns as earlier especially with a break can appear to be normal development. I would also expect that other issues were discussed but this is the one that has hit a nerve as more visible and an explanation is possible.
Should she discuss it no, but is it possible more is being attributed by others who have observed behaviour and made assumptions?

Avoiding eye contact with her for a prolonged period of time sounds very, very unusual. I wouldn't know what was a marker of what medically, but it does sound like something that a medical professional should look into. It definitely doesn't sound like typical childhood behaviour.

Even if it's fine medically, she was right to raise it with you, as it is a sign something is wrong - and it's her job to bring issues like this (that she sees while he's in her care) to your attention. It might be, as you say, he just hates her (but that's some bloody strong will and good concentration he's got, expressing it in that particular way over multiple childminding sessions, if that's all it is). But in any case, that is a problem, and she was right to raise that as an issue, wasn't she?!

Anyway, she told the truth, and you fired her for it. Now she has not much choice but to tell people what happened. Parents of prospective mindees will want to know why her last childminding job ended, and she'd be putting her job at risk if she lied and got found out later - she has to tell the truth. It's not rumours, it's facts. If you don't like people knowing that's what happened, you shouldn't have done it, but it's too late now. You've got a cheek being pissed off with her about it though imo, based on what you've written here.

I think it depends on how she said it. It's not just miscommunication - the way someone raises this tells you a lot about them and their attitude.

As a parent, what I would expect is:

• a serious discussion (ie plan for it and allow enough time)
• explain concerns in detail, with examples, and also what strategies you've tried already
• if the parents aren't too bowled over by it all, a 2-way discussion about whether the parents have also seen these behaviours, and how they deal with them
• VERY cautious wording around diagnosis, eg that certain behaviours are a red flag for xyz, and that it would be worth getting a professional opinion
• compassion and obvious care about the child

If my child's carer spoke about it in a dismissive, 'there's something wrong with your child' way, then I'd change childcare immediately too. Not because raising the possibility of SN is an insult, but because I wouldn't want my child being cared for by someone who didn't seem to like him, and didn't try to adjust things to find a positive way to work with him.

BUT, I also wouldn't leave my child with a carer he disliked so much he avoided eye contact with her.

If your son didn't like her to the point where he would not look at her, why did you place him with her for "a few years"?

Your cm did the right thing by bringing it up but maybe could have been more tackful

Seems wrong that you've used her for several years but your son didn't like her. Why stay with the cm?

And yes if what she is saying is true then it's the truth going on to what you said in op

She told you something. You didn't like it. You gave her notice

I completely agree with HSMM - if you suspect a child has some kind of SEN then it should be raised. This should be done professionally however.

She didn't say she didn't like him, just that she had noticed he wasn't looking at her in the eye. It could be she noticed other things too. Maybe once it's sunk in you could give it some more thought and consider what she said. Don't be worried/offended by it - she didn't tell you to worry or offend you. It's just that if a child is autisitic, the earlier it is caught the more strategies you can teach them to cope with aspects of life they might find tricky. Why do you think your son didn't like her?

Can I just ask the op a question? Have you been talking about the child-minder to other people, ie friends, people that you both may know?

I am asking this because I am a child-minder, and once had to discuss something specific about a child to the parents, a not too serious developmental issue. I though and thought and thought about how I was going to approach the subject, discuss it with them, offer support. THIS is part of my job, of what I have to do and I don't like it. The parents are nice and intelligent people but took it badly and started spreading rumours about me, and common friends told me about it.

If you have been spreading rumours about your CM, maybe she heard about it.

I suspect in this case that the OP is not telling the whole story, that the child-minder might have been tactful about it, but the OP interpreted it in a different way. It is sometimes hurtful to hear but it's part of our job. And yes, psychologists get it wrong sometimes, teachers get it wrong, child-minder and HVs get it wrong. Some children are diagnosed with autism in their teens!

By the way, I've had complete strangers in a restaurant telling me that my DS was autistic. I've had an Audiologist telling me DS could be autistic, as well as a nursery manager. It was upsetting, to the point of crying, but it meant that I had him checked early and he doesn't have autism, he has developmental Dyspraxia. You are not in a unique situation.