CM and DC's behaviour

[drspouse]

Our older DC has been displaying some aggressive behaviour towards our baby DC, usual toddler behaviour towards new(ish) baby sibling. We have actually seen massive improvements at home and DC1 has been occasionally hitting other children at nursery but they don't see this as a major issue.

However it seems that at the CM where they both go one day a week she is struggling with DC1's behaviour towards DC2 (and another issue around mealtimes).

CM left me a note in DC1's diary, it's hard to discuss with both DCs there at drop off/pick up and with DC2 crying for me (very briefly at drop off and then if not cuddled immediately at pick up, in fact at pick up it's more DC1 wanting me to hear about their day, asking for a snack etc.)

I'm going to tell the CM about our strategies but they may not always be practical for her. With aggressive behaviour, we tend to cuddle DC2 and give attention there, and not do much to DC1 except possibly say quickly "no hitting remember". Occasionally we remove DC1 from the situation if it's more of a tantrum, and sit together 1-1 to calm down. DH reminds me that sometimes he also physically intervenes if the situation looks like it's escalating (mainly by removing DC2).

The mealtime behaviour is tipping over plates and to be honest we rarely get this any more, it was a behaviour from about a year ago if not more. If DC1 is getting worked up at mealtimes we usually place the plate out of reach as a preventative measure though we do occasionally remove DC1 from the table to calm down, again probably 1-1, if it's getting really bad. At home, DC1 seems to have worked out that tipping over plates = no more food, and is normally a very good eater and doesn't want meal times to end.

The problem is of course that 1-1 isn't that practical for the CM who has our 2 DCs and sometimes another child.

So I'm planning to give the CM a call but wondering if there's anything to remember/do/say or not say? Should I tell her about our strategies even where she can't really use them? Any other suggestions (I may come back and say we've tried it... we have tried a lot and not everything worked).

I may be completely wrong here, but your DS is in three different settings (including home) with three different lots of rules & boundaries. Is he struggling with remembering what he has to do in each? DC1 is mature for her age and from when she was 2.10 - 3.10 she spent two full days at one nursery and two mornings at another. She never seemed to have any problems but her behaviour still improved hugely when she started doing 3 full days at the first nursery. As well as fewer rules & boundaries, there were fewer children over all, fewer staff etc. I think she also felt more established at nursery A and, as she was there more often, made stronger friendships than when she'd been dipping in & out of both settings.
Also, on the behaviour, DS is 3.5 and hits at home. His usual pattern is to invade DD's space, get a warning from us, hit DD, get physically removed by us, usually whilst hitting & kicking us. I don't expect him to be calm when he is being removed from a situation. He still wants to be there. He doesn't get extra are to on but nor does DD. Only is DS backs down on the initial reminder does he get extra attention. DD tends to get slipped a chocolate button later on!

Do you much about schemas or schematic play? Also you can talk about this to the nursery, if their planning is good they should be able to help.

Would you be comfortable with giving him soft objects that he can throw within a specific space, and explain to him that he cannot throw any objects at any time? It looks to me as if he may be enjoying throwing things and displaying a 'trajectory' type of schematic play. This is a simple document to explain schematic play:

www.salford.gov.uk/d/Schema_pdf.pdf

If you search it you will find lots more information.

You could try encouraging him to play with push/pull toys, cars/train tracks, toy pushchair, soft balls (you can create your own 'ball pit' with a cheap paddling pool and lots of soft balls), woollen pompoms, etc. He might also find some satisfaction in repetitive toys such as marble runs, playing with running water, etc. It's not unusual or bad for children to display schemas, there are lots of them, and you might find that it would calm him down.

Yes, you are right, he's at home, CM and nursery. This started because he wasn't getting enough rest at nursery and because nursery are the opposite of flexible when it comes to extra days/hours, can't accommodate early starts or late finishes when it comes to me travelling for work etc., too far from home for DH to pick up/drop off. The added advantage, hopefully, is that CM can do a day for DC2 once DC1 starts school, and DC1 can go there after school that day, leading to continuity, and only one pick up/drop off that day for me (whether we do after school with the CM every day or just that one day is to be decided).

I am not completely sure that this CM is a good fit for DC1 but she is a very good fit for DC2, who will be with her longer, and there are no other CMs that have space on the day we need in the area of town that we need (actually, there are no other CMs in our area that have any space at all), especially not now we have two DCs, so we are stuck with this. There is also no space at nursery for this day (see "inflexible nursery") so we cannot change it (and I can't change my working hours or days, nor do I want to; there wouldn't be nursery space on any day so changing days wouldn't help, and my flexible working contract wouldn't allow me to change anything at the moment anyway).

We really don't have the space for a safe throwing environment at home, but he does of course like rolling cars around, and his toy pram, other rolling toys etc. We do throw balls in the back yard, at the park etc. I know what you mean about schemas. The general throwing is a lot less now than it was, it does seem to be more of a response to frustration at mealtimes. We don't find he throws things at DC2, for example.

As I say, it seems like nursery and home are doing more or less the same thing but we may need to get CM on board; we're planning to all meet up at some point soon.