Family time with au-pair

[kebek]

We have a great au pair who has already made life so much easier - except..... She really hangs around in the evening.
She has her room and I've said the playroom with a TV and sofa can be hers and hers alone in the evening, but right now she's reading in the kitchen where my DH is working.
I've emphasised the second sitting room but she says "no, it's fine", but it's not fine with us, we'd like some time alone in the evening.
I'd feel heartbroken if I upset her so don't know how to say when she finishes work she goes to her room or the second sitting room.

If your DS is working in the kitchen, you're not spending time alone with him are you?

I think you need to give her a tv in her room and tell her to invite friends over.

Pico - Karoleann thinks people have had no experience of APs if they disagree with her from what I can tell

I don't have an issue with people disagreeing with me, it's just posters who haven't a clue about au pairs posting on au pair threads that riles me as they generally are talking utter rubbish. Again as I've said before it's like me posting on the chicken keepers thread, just because I eat chicken!

Even au pair agencies make it clear to their placings that it's very important to allow the parents to have their own space. Family units work best on compromise. The host parents shouldn't have to completely give up their own space just to keep one family member happy.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell my own teenager to bugger off because her Dad and I want some time together! So same should apply for an au pair, though I would try to phrase it nicely

I lost a very long post.

In any case, OP, is she your first au pair? They do need time to settle in but they are not permanent house guests whose needs always come first, no matter what. Part of the trick is in the vetting process - being open about what works for you and finding out what the AP needs to be happy. Some want to settle right in to a family situation like they have at home, if they are coming right from their parents' house, with dinner around the table every night. Others are looking for their first taste of independence, but in a safe environment (i.e. want to party...at least a bit!) It's really, really important to try to find out which one you have before you offer the role to someone.

We had an AP that nearly broke us a few years back; up with us until midnight for half the year (my mother even resorted to trying to give her the hint we needed some alone time) but then by the end of the year seemed to have forgotten we existed. Our DCs said goodbye to her at our front door (we normally go to the airport with them, have a big goodbye dinner etc) cause she was too busy with her boyfriend and her mates to say goodbye properly. Both situations were very far from ideal.

I think you need to give it a few more weeks and also make sure she is making the effort to do language classes and find some other hobbies, friends. At the end of the day, this is key to getting something out of the year that is worthwhile. You can approach it from this angle; it's not all about you carving out your own free time.

Is she very young?

I say it up front in the job spec - that DH and I work full time and want to have time with each other in the evening. APs may be part of the family but just as with any other adults or dcs there need to be boundaries - the dcs are allowed to get into our bed on occasions but I wouldn't expect the ap to do so. And it can't be a one way street just as she as a young adult will expect to be able to go out with her friends without you you need to be able to decide to do things as a couple without her joining in and in the case of parents a lot of that "as a couple" time will be at home. This time you'll have to have a gentle chat, next time you'll need to be very up front about it so you get an au pair that isn't of the "sitting between you on the sofa" variety.

MrsFogi, I agree about finding the right fit and being upfront with the aupair about how it is likely to work. Not every aupair wants a full on family experience.

I consider it somewhat of a failure if the aupair does not end finding her own social network and hobbies during her time with us. I actually question an aupair who wants to spend time with two middle aged people on the sofa in the evening. What sort of young person is that?

Wow, 32 posts, all I need is to mention that woman who wrote that book and I'll break mumsnet .
Had a chat tonight about what AP likes doing in eves back home and she said cinema, friends etc. I emphasised what I have always said - she can invite anyone back in the evening, there's no need to stay in, the (honestly not grotty) playroom is hers and said she has no need to spend time with us. Tonight she watched GBBO with all of us and headed to her room - phew.
Love Ovienna who says it nearly broke them and then forgot.
Again, I must say for all the pro-nanniers, several fantastic nannies but a waste of their amazing skills and time to watch the clock waiting for kids to come home from school. Wish I could keep them all but no job satisfaction for them and they move on.