au pair... are we being unreasonable?

[Walcatz]

Hello,

We've had an au pair for a couple of months now and l think we are fairly easy on her in that we do not ask for much in terms of childcare. The main reason for getting an au pair was for the children to learn a little French. However, she does not and seems to refuse to speak any French with them. We asked a few times and she finally admitted that her mum has said she must only speak English so that her English improves. It feels disrespectful when she is in our house to just ignore us but should we just get over it?!

Thanks!

Sounds to me as if she wants to "immerse" herself in English and speak no French at all while she is in the UK - a common way to learn a language. The idea is to start thinking in English and, if she has to speak French regularly to the children, she is pulled back into thinking in French. It depends how definite a condition it was in your agreement - was it a formal term or - as MagicalHamSandwich mentions - just a hopeful suggestion that wasn't definitely agreed upon by the au pair?

If it is going to cause conflict, and she is otherwise fine, I agree with pps that it would be better not to pursue it. It is never a good idea to force people to do things and she is unlikely to put her heart into the French sessions, in which case the gains would be dubious and might actually put the children off the language in the long run! Better no teacher at all than a completely unenthusiastic one.

If thats what you got an au pair for, and thats what she agreed, then thats what she should do. If its not what she wants then maybe she needs to find a different post, and you need to find a different au pair. If you both agreed before she started, then yanbu.

This thread makes me laugh. MN's knee jerk reaction to every au pair thread is to suggest the employer is being totally unreasonable. In MN world APing is not a job, it's a cultural exchange from the 1950s and employers should prioritise the AP's experience above all their own needs. In reality it's a job like and other with the added expectations that outside working hours you will treat the AP as a member of your family. All ours APs have treated it like a proper job but also become our good friends.

Of course your expectations weren't unreasonable and of course the AP is wrong to ignore your requests if they were made clearly at interview/in the job advert. Many, many APs are expected to help children learn their mother tongue, that's totally normal. They can practice English for the other 22 hours a day.

If I were you I would sit her down and explain again what the job entails.

The meaning of Au Pair is "equal". Equal to other members of the family, like a big sister.
Would you be supporting your own child in language learning when older or expect them to pay for it themselves out of pocket money? YES, you should be paying for the language courses!
In return though, just as a big sister might be able to help younger children pick up words, ask her again using those sorts of terms to help your little ones absorb some language too.
I get the full immersion thing though, but perhaps rather than a few hours a day, she could do one full day a week?
You don't say, but your post gives the impression you speak French too? You could all do one day a week to each other? That would help the au pair and your children.

Mumsnet's kneejerk reaction to every au pair thread is to suggest that the employer is being totally unreasonable.

I don't think that's true at all. There are many threads on here where the views expressed are firmly on the side of the employer - it depends entirely on the situation being described. On this thread, what many posters have questioned is whether the French-speaking was firmly agreed upon before the au pair arrived or whether the au pair didn't realise this was a vital part of the conditions. If it was, then most people have agreed she should do it - a contract is a contract.

But au pairing does have a "cultural" aspect in that learning English properly, by living in the UK surrounded by English speakers, is a main reason for many au pairs coming here and this is reflected by the fact that English lessons are usually provided by the employer as part of the deal. If the au pair in this case does not want to speak any French while in the UK because she thinks it will inhibit her learning English, then I think that's a viewpoint many of us can sympathise with but not if she definitely agreed to do it as part of the original agreement and knew it was non-negotiable. In that case, she should either do it or the OP should find a new au pair. My point was that, if the au pair really doesn't want to do it, it is a bad idea all round to try to enforce it. An unwilling teacher is not a good one, especially when it is young children you are trying to interest.

The meaning of au pair is not "equal"! It comes from the phrase "au pair estival" which means the summer period - when traditionally they would leave France and spend time in another country, looking after children and learning the language. Sorry to be a pedant.

That's interesting, SaintEyning - I'm sure many of us have never heard of that derivation.

When we had au pairs, they came through an agency and were required, under their terms and conditions, to attend language school while here. They were obviously here to learn English and we were required, as part of our terms, to help them with that and speak English to them.

Other duties were also agreed in advance - mostly childcare, but some household cleaning (to do with caring for children) and these had to be laid out in the contract with the agency too. (As it happens, in our case, our childcare needs were specific but not overly time-consuming, so we NEEDED AP in mornings for an hour, most of them collected from afterschool club a few days a week, and there were a lot of extra hours that they had either completely free or that we asked them to do a certain amount of housework but they were free to decide on timing - so one morning a week, or one small job a day, to suit themselves).

If you were clear in advance about wanting them to speak their native language to your children, that is different. In most cases, AP's do come to improve their English as part of the experience.

So IF you were clear in advance, and the AP finds it hard to fulfill that part, you need to talk again. I like the idea a previous poster had of giving a specific thing to do, as part of the routine, that AP will do "en francais" rather than leaving it loose and up to her to include. So bedtime story, or perhaps the daily up/dressing/washing teeth etc in the mornings, or over a specific meal (and only 1 meal a day), or a specific time to do some games/dancing/singing in her language.

But make it clear - and DO work on her English in a supportive way with her too, so make sure you have a time when she can sit with you and have conversations/debates etc that you are helping her. Preferably when the DCs aren't around so you can talk about adult stuff (things like current affairs) or can get into a debate, and you can correct her without undermining her in front of the DCs too.

Op, I really don't think your children are going to learn any kind of useful French from half an hour a day from the au pair.

From what I can gather, it takes a concerted effort from two parents to raise a truly billingual child and if that's not what you are aiming for, then why do you feel it will be helpful for your children to have a few words of French before learning it at school?

As for the lessons, it was specified in the contracts that the host family would facilitate attendance (times to be agreed in accordance with family needs - there were morning, afternoon and evening options). The AP had to pay for the lessons up front before leaving home. Non-attendance meant a phonecall to host family (not 1 missed class - but any emerging pattern) and persistent non attendance meant AP contract was terminated and family told she needed to leave.

I have had four au pairs and offered all of them help with English classes. All have said they don't want to do classes and would prefer to learn by living. To be honest I think many APs who come to Central London are here to have a fun gap year rather than study hard. Our AP for next year is Australian so I don't suppose language school will be on her agenda either.

Whatever the literal French definition of the word au pair there is no legal definition. There is no AP visa or anything. How a family uses an AP is up to the family and the AP to decide together but IME they key is agreeing working patterns and pay packages clearly BEFORE the AP arrives and only make changes if both sides are happy.

To illustrate the range of work an AP can do I would point to our current AP who suggested we increase her hours by decreasing our youngest's nursery hours. This broke two Cardinal MN rules: never use an AP for more than 25 hours and never give an AP sole charge of an under-3. However we knew her and trusted her and she wanted the money so it works for all concerned.

Thank you - l do find these threads useful as a reality check!

A few comments/observations:

• l asked specifically if the ap would speak French when we were discussing the role. It didn't go in the contract (our mistake!)but lots of things didn't and l find it a little odd to revert to the contract when she lives in our house and we want to get along. I can refer to emails!
• l think we are light on household/childcare duties (approx 16 hours pw) because our priority was good childcare and French- given the amount of free time, l expected her to try and accommodate us too... In fact, she has said she has too much free time and could l pick her up every evening if she got a 2nd job in a pub or she would like to work in a shop.
• l found her various options for language classes - but l didn't realise paying for them was the norm...

I don't want to treat the ap badly, l just find it a little odd that she ignores our very clear requests... I think l'be learnt an ap just might not be for us. But thank you again!

Walcatz, it depends on the AP arrangements. Where we are, with the agency, the attendance at language school is something that we, as host, must facilitate - but the AP pays for the school herself either before leaving home (for 6 months) or by monthly payments herself if extending beyond the initial 6 months.

Oh god, don't get into the habit of picking her up from the pub every night!

Must admit, it's funny what you learn... At the beginning we offered lifts so she never had to take the bus. Now she expects it and we've found ourselves not drinking when out on a Saturday night because we have to pick her up! I think in the future we would be more careful about allowing an ap to become dependent on lifts!

We do not pay for language classes and never have. I'm sure there are people who do but I have only heard about it on here.

You should pay if you expect them to take time off to help with a sick child etc. We are rigorous about not doing this and also work around her exam schedules etc (this year quite tricky with the resits!!! ).

What we were told initially by the agency we used (not that it makes it right, it's just a view) is that the au pairs put more effort into it when they are investing in it themselves and I think it is likely to be true. You do need to tell them upfront to expect this though and also if possible roughly what will cost. The costs can vary quite a lot.

I cannot even believe that you are routinely not drinking in order to collect this AP.

It absolutely shouldn't be hardship for her to speak a bit of French with your kids. It's hard to imagine, from my experience of au pairs, they would mind unless you are coming down hard with a sort of governess routine and expect A LOT of structure around it.

I think your au pair comes across as petulant and a bit lazy. I would address it for sure.

Our current AP also has a funny relationship with her parents - in fact she 'shared' an email with her mum and dad (although this was not clear from the way the address was worded, in her name only) and they were checking the messages! Girl is over 21 and has lived on her own before. I couldn't believe it.

I usually try to get a feel for how independent they are (and if, for example, like your AP she's going to say something like: my mum wants me to do it this way ,etc) beforehand but this one snookered us. I didn't see it coming at all because of her age and previous experience...