I feel like the worst nanny ever.

[WorkingAbroad]

I have posted this on a another forum, but I know here is more traffic and really need to know if it's me or the family. I am talking to the mother tomorrow and I want to leave.

I have just started a new position abroad, working for a VIP family in a fully staffed household. In London I worked three years for a family with two children aged fifteen months and three and a half years when I left. I was part of the family in my old position, we were very close, but I needed a location change and a new challenge. I didn't rush to find a new position, I wanted to wait for the right family and when I thought I had found a great family, I handed in my notice.

It's now my first week and things aren't going well. The child dislikes me, is rude to be and on Monday became so violent towards me that I had to cry. He kicked and smacked me, I could cope with that, but getting hit with a (thrown) billiard ball from behind onto your head is just incredibly painful. This has never happened to me before, I was shocked. Yesterday he smacked me several times in my face, I also got kicked a few times. The child clearly has no boundaries and while parents are aware of his behaviour and find it unacceptable they don't do much. I set very clear boundaries, however, he then runs off to either his mother or other staff who do what he wants. There is no backing up, which is essential to me. The child goes once a week to a pedagogue and the mother sticks to everything she says.

The mother told me a few things I had to do, but not everything in detail. I work 24/6, but I have time off during the day, so only work two whole days (weekends) and four half days plus one day off during the week. I also have to get up during the night, waking the child up twice to go to the toilet. I knew this when I started, but was told he sleeps well during the night otherwise, however, he is actually getting up several times during the night and I also have to sleep with my door open, as there is no babyfon. I can't sleep with my door open, my room is at the end of the hall and several staff is walking around during the night, for example one housekeeper and the maternity nurse. That means six nights of the week I have no privacy at all. I also find it very hard to fall asleep, as I worry, I will not hear the child. You can imagine how tired I am in the mornings, I find it very hard to get up. Two times I actually didn't hear the alarm. This never happened to me before. I am always punctual, if not early.

I can't believe I gave up a secure job, left my friends behind and I moved to another country. I am not a quitter, but I feel like the worst nanny at the moment. I am seriously thinking about leaving. This position is incredibly great on paper, but in reality not so much. I usually get on great with people, children and animals. I never had problems. I know it's just a week, but his behaviour is far beyond the usual behaviour you would expect from children who have to get used to you.

I travelled a lot this year when my old boss was on maternity leave, so I have no savings. I don't talk to my family and friends could help me financially until I find a new job, however I don't want that.

Interesting that the little boy behaves out of the house. I bet he is good at school too. I think he sounds very insecure at home and maybe tired from bring woken at night - that's got to stop.
What does he enjoy doing ? Swimming, craft, cooking. As others have said pick your battles. Concentrate at the moment on winning his trust. Do fun activities together. Get his respect and then slowly up the discipline. Be consistent and get the mum to see this is important. Ultimately it is cruel to him to allow him to be badly behaved.
Hope you feel better soon .

Florence, yes, he does okay at school. The teachers say that they feel like he is always waiting for the school to end. He is very intelligent, I can tell and if you ask me he is bored at school. He is a complete introvert outside, he doesn't know how to interact with other children.

Unfortunately, I have a bad throat infection and I am now on antibiotics. I shall rest for at least 48hours and not work. Maybe things get better in the New Year, I definitely want to make this work.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Did you get your job through an agency? Would they be able to offer some support? Have you had a look for expat chat boards or nanny sites where you might meet some others out there which would at least give you a social support network?
I would be guessing that his behaving in school is due to their being clear boundaries and rules there. I would agree that if you can put the rules/boundaries in place and stick to them he will slowly settle down although it won't be easy at the beginning. However getting the parents to be as consistent as you will also be a challenge I suspect. Good luck, remember there are always people to talk to on here if you need to vent/chat/explore ways of handling things.

nannynome
Yes, I have been placed through an agency. I would never start a job abroad without an agency to be involved. It's just too risky. I have spoken to her, she is currently on holiday so she suggested seeing what happens in the next week and then getting back to her.

The mother just told me that she doesn't think a nanny is right at the moment for her son and I am leaving Istanbul in the next 24h. I am glad about this, things wouldn't have changed and at least I can move on.

I've been following this thread but haven't commented until now. In all honesty that sounds a good outcome given the difficulties, though I do feel they've wasted your time a bit. Though I guess you don't know until you try etc.

Hope you get a better job next, good luck.

Hesterton
Thank you. My old family has found a new nanny, one who will temp until the end of January and one that will then start full-time. I don't want to go back, I wanted to get out of London after seven years and explore a new part of the world. Istanbul seemed perfect, not too far out and yet so different.

Sorry about the Job OP.
As others have said not your fault. Have you asked the mother for a written reference?

Hope you find a lovely job soon.

hesterton
Not really. I have a very difficult relationship to my family, especially my parents. I am not English, but have lived for a very long time in England. I am waiting to hear back from my best friend, but she went to bed early this morning and is asleep at the moment. I just hope that they pay me for the time worked. I didn't plan to look for a new job until early 2015 and wanted to save up some money first, I spent all my savings on travelling last year and had to pay off credit cards before I left. So I am basically without much money at the moment and rely on the money they owe me for the eight days I worked.

I don't expect a reference at all. I am technically still in my old job (paid leave until 4th of January) and I was in that position three years. It was a wonderful relationship and my old boss would highly recommend me.

The mother wanted to talk to me on Monday, but wanted to wait because I was ill. I wished she had said something earlier. I could have celebrated NYE with my friends.

I think it's the best outcome for you. That child sounds like a spoiled brat. He doesn't like you BECAUSE you set boundaries.
I wish you the best for 2015 and I hope you get to work with a nice family.

Thank you holly. You are right, it's the best outcome for me.

Seems mum knew maybe you had doubts - plus obv doesnt want her prince being told off - and this is the best outcome for all of you

She will have to pay you. Assume you and a contract and if she doesn't the. The agency will hopefully assist you.

If you have paid your credit cards off then should be some leeway on there

Suggest finding a flight home and stayin with your friend - if she is a friend she won't mind you asending on her

workingabroad I had a very similar experience working for a Russian family with twin girls aged 5. Mum was explicit in that the girls were out of control and she wanted a "supernanny" to sort them out (what she actually wanted was a magician, but that's another story!) She mentioned some things that previous "nannies" had done to the children which were akin to abuse IMO, but now I think it may have all been fabricated.

Similarly she had had domestic help who had cared for the children as part of their housekeeping duties, and about a hundred casual "nannies" and babysitters. It was not a normal environment, the children slept in mum's bed and treated her appallingly. She arrived home with bags upon bags of toys for them every night. It was nuts.

No amount of talking to this mum made any difference (even though the girls behaviour improved dramatically after just a week), and I was let go after two weeks. I was paid for the time I worked and the agency backed me up.

At the end of the day I feel that I can pretty much handle anything a child has to throw at me. Parents are another matter ;) That job taught me to listen carefully to what the parent has to say and listen to my gut. Red flags now are far easier to spot.

You'll find another job I'm sure, don't worry, and be glad you're out of this one!

Blondes I closed the credit card accounts as I was moving abroad and didn't have a UK address anymore. I am getting paid for the days worked, just spoke to the mother. We both had signed a contract and also the agency backs me up. Both know I didn't do anything wrong, the child is 'just not ready' for a nanny yet. The mother is actually recommending me to her friend.

Having spoken to my family now I feel a little bit better. My family has a flat in Cologne that's empty, I can stay there until I am sorted out without having to actually spend much time with them. My family is very difficult to live with. :D

The fact you are no longer needed is an indication the family was not ready to face up to what it would mean having a professional nanny in the house - they werent up to the work it would involve. They need an easy way out of dealing with their sons issues and you were not the easy way out.

Please dont be upset.

Thanks Tattie. I am not upset anymore. I think they know that and they don't blame me. The fact that she is recommending me to her friend shows that she doesn't think I am a bad nanny. I feel better now, looking forward to go home and meet my baby cousin for the first time.

OP that's great she is recommending you. It says a lot about you and how you do your job.
When will parents realise they are doing their children no favours by spoiling them, just creating little emperors ( monsters )

Glad you feeling better. They sound like they wanted the results of a proper nanny without changing a thing - never going to happen!

Sounds like you're better off out of there tbh. If a family isn't prepared to work with you then you won't get anywhere. It's a shame she waited to say something as it's probably left a bad taste.

Come work for me! Or Strix. We're lovely but in similarly sticky situations, and I'm not in the UK either ;)

I hope your next job works out better for you. I feel a bit sorry for the child as your arrival obviously unnerved him and no one seems to be dealing with his behaviour.