Bringing baby home - hormonal and hysterical

[belindarose]

I'm a newish poster but 9 month lurker, hoping for some advice.
I thought I'd done quite well with avoiding hormonal tantrums and irrational fears, but they've hit heavily now (38 weeks). I am really upset and worried about the thought of the first few days after baby is born and bringing her home. I am absolutely dreading having visitors here, even my parents and in-laws. Both sets are lovely, I just cannot stand the thought of them being here while we're trying to establish breastfeeding, while I'm recovering from birth, pain etc. Every time I think about it I cry. It's completely ruining any excitement about the new baby. I particularly don't want them to be here when we actually come into the house for the first time.
I'm sure I'm being completely unreasonable. Husband does sort of feel the same and would prefer us to be on our own, but we know we can't upset them by telling them not to come for a few days (and anyway, I'm then dreading the day the milk 'comes in' and how I'll cope with that with visitors being around). He says they'll probably be helpful, and I'm sure they will by making meals, washing up etc, but it doesn't stop me feeling so awful about it.
There, I have a dripping wet keyboard now. Please someone help me pull myself together. Everyone is so excited about the baby and I don't want to ruin it, but nor do I want to spoil those first days for me and the baby.

Belinda - I know exactly how you feel. With DD1 we had first my PIL here, then my own parents, and it was all terribly stressful although they did help with the cooking etc. With DD2 the PILs left half an hour after I had brought the baby home, and my parents didn't arrive until 2 weeks after the birth, and it was sooo much more relaxed. I found they were really understanding - I'd say just be frank with them and tell them how you feel. The most important thing is that you bond properly with your newborn and get bfing established so do what you need to do. If they are so desperate to see the baby, maybe you could do a video conference or they could see you briefly in hospital? Good luck with everything.

IMO you absolutely must not have people staying in your house unless you positively want them to be there.

When I had dd1 I couldn't cope with anyone visiting more than half an hour really, but I would have been very sad not to have those visits. It was lovely being able to show off the baby and tell people all about our experiences.

When you have visitors, it is easy for them to forget that you are not just as normal - so make sure you don't get dressed. Pyjamas are a helpful visual reminder that they need to make their own cups of tea and clear up after themselves!

Get DH to be firm with people on your behalf. That'll come across better, as it looks sweet that he is looking after you and shooing people away before you get tired.

You have no way of knowing how you will feel after the birth, so the most sensible thing is to make sure that all your options are kept open - and that means not agreeing to houseguests!

if you don't want visitors: feel free to tell them you aren't up to it. Your baby needs you not a horde of well-wishers. They are more important than anyone else. Milk the moody recent Mum angle for all its worth.

Engage DH in this - I realy hated all that crap with my first and I still wince when i remember it

He has to stick up for you: after all, they wouldn't deluge you with visits if you were sick (and being post-partum can feel very icky indeed)

i see having baby a bit like being in a car crash, then straight away starting work in a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job for a boss whose idea of communication is to yell at you until you guess what they want.

Not a time for visitors!

can be very lovely though - you just don't know how its going to be -cheer up and big hugs

Just reading your post again, it sounds as though you are expecting everything to be very hard - establishing breastfeeding, recovering from pain. While it is realistic to be prepared for pain/discomfort, and for possible trouble establishing feeding, it may be easier than you think. It's quite amazing what your hormones can do for you after you've given birth.

When I had dd1 I had a pretty tricky labour which left me quite physically wiped out for a few weeks. But I was euphoric and it stopped anything feeling too hard really.

Are you feeling scared about the whole idea of bringing the baby home in itself? You know although it is hard work looking after a baby it is very simple and not nearly as scary as you might think before you've done it.

Good luck and look after yourself. Try not to worry or plan too much - just set some sensible ground rules and brief DH to be your guard dog. I am sure you will have a wonderful time with your new baby and I bet you'll actually love having visitors who will admire the baby properly as long as they tidy up after themselves and go away quickly!

Another piece of advice - set a ground rule on what time it's acceptable to have visitors.

This particulrly applies to childless friends and older people who've forgotten what it's like.

You will be amazed what time people want to pitch up.

My in-laws brought six of their friends to visit at 8pm when DD1 was less than 48 hours old because they wanted to show her off to them. Looking back I can't believe we agreed to it. They tried to do the same with DD2 and DH agreed again so I told him to un-agree!

Also, childless friends who want to come at 8-9pm because it suits them that way. Grrr!

It may not be all as bad as you think it will be though.

get your DH to speak when you've made decisions about visitors etc, try to compromise with well meaning family as far as possible as tension and arguments in the early days make things even more difficult ( as I learnt when we had DS)

I remember feeling pretty chilled when in hospital with DD our first, we brought her home put the car seat down on the floor and we both sat on the sofa and DH said " what are we supposed to do now?!"

Pretty soon we couldn't remember life without her in it though.

Thanks for all your posts, everyone. Seems like I'm not the only person to feel like this! Some of you are right though - I am definitely imagining the worst. My brother and his girlfriend recently had a really hard time with their new baby - constant streams of visitors, lots of difficulty with feeding etc - so I'm letting that colour my expectations (it was mostly her family, not ours, although some of ours were a little thoughtless too).
We'll see how the birth goes and how we feel afterwards and not let anyone come unless we want them. I bet I'll be on here in a few weeks time complaining I'm lonely with no visitors and that nobody's interested in my baby!!

Please don't worry and don't cry, you have a wonderful new baby to be looking forward to.

Get your DH to sort the visitors out, only when you want them to come and arrange for them to not stay for too long.

FWIW I wished I had planned the visits better now, but noone will expect you to to organise a running buffet and endless cups of tea!
Establishing bf may or may not be hard work for you. I sorted it out during my night in hospital with a lovely MW helping me. I did feel OK afterwards both times, as well.

I've instructed DP that he will be expected to adopt bodyguard duties.

Will also be spelling out very clearly in birth anouncements: "Tiny monkey born at weighing . All doing well, call or text if you want to call in and we'll set up a time."

I agree with the posters who say no visitors until you invite them. You just don't know how you are going to feel until you get there so don't arrange anything now.
With my first baby I could not cope with anyone for about 2 weeks, the second I was fine almost straight away. You have to be tough in explaining this to people but you need to do it. You certainly don't want them in the house when you get back from hospital - makes me shudder just thinking about it.
In my experience bf and the milk coming in are not traumatic at all, I found it all easy and natural. You might too so don't worry too much.
Be very very selfish, the first few days alone is lovely and not worth wasting on being polite.

I was the same! DD is 1yo old and Im pg with dc2.

From about 20 weeks pg with dd I didnt want anyone knowing anything about my pregnancy. I told everyone (even my mum) that I didnt want to see anyone for 2 weeks once dd was born. I was so sure. I got so wound up thinking about people just turning up that it drove me mad.

Once I had had dd I wanted the whole world to see her! I was completly different. I would text people to ask them to come round.

I really do believe it is the hormones but once you have given birth you may be like me and be back to normal. And once they have seen the baby once they are likely to leave you to it!

PS Im going to bf this one and will be going upstairs to do it even if people are here. I wont be getting my boobs out in front of anyone!

I do think it depends on the visitors you have - my MIL (who visited LOADS in the first few days because she had booked a holiday for three weeks after my due date and never believed I would be 2 weeks late!)didn't do anything helpful at all, she asked me to make her cups of tea, etc, despite my having had a section 3 days earlier!

In fact, no-one in either of our families offered to help in anyway, they just wanted to hold DS!! I didn't help becuase I put on a show of being really well, getting dressed, etc, when I really should have just sat there with leaky boobs and mad hair, as it would have been a more accurate refelction!! If you have visitors who are going to pitch in and help out, it can make a big difference.

this is your dh's job from now on in...you set ground rules together now...he acts on them. it's a bit daft of people to expect anything concrete in terms of arrangements post-partum, and daft of us to have exact expectations. both mine were in hospital for 7 and 3 days respectively after birth anyway with varying degrees of jaundice requiring treatment. my dh dealt with enquiries etc. i can't even remember what we did...oh hang on yes, we needed my mum both times, 1st time for drving for demand breastfeeding icu baby from home on demand (gah) and 2nd time to wrangle older son. good luck and best wishes, wishing you a wonderful birth and settling in time

I was the same as you before DD was born, I couldn't abide the thought of visitors. I spent so much time worrying about this and in the end it was taken out of my hands. I ended up being quite poorly with high blood pressure so we let parents visit in hospital but told everyone no visitors at home until I was up to it, which was about 3 weeks later. We agreed with the grannies that they could come and stay for a longer time when DH's paternity leave ended. They were happy with this and in the end I got 4 weeks of help, 2 weeks from DH and 1 week from each granny. It was really good.

Baby Honeymoon!
We banned all visitors that needed to stay until DD was 3wks old, if they wanted to visit then they could stay in a hotel/B&B. It worked very well. We had a few visitors for short times in the first 3 weeks but we wanted those weeks to ourselves and the baby. There is plenty of time for them to see the baby later on. You wouldn't expect your relatives to show up on your honeymoon!

Even afer 3 weeks, the MIL still expected me to make her a cup of tea- her reason was she was on holiday visiting us...3 week baby honeymoon was the best way for us to go!