What top tips would you give to a first time mum about to have her first baby?

[McDreamy]

SIL is about to have her first baby. I have only had sections so can't advise her about anything labour related but have been giving her some tips about newborns.

What would be your top tips about labour/newborns/first couple of days/weeks?

Oh yea, I forgot this one,I remember in the first few days finding my self pokeing her awake to see if she was breathing.
I had a weird, almost going into shock state, the night after birth, loads of tears and shaking when I went for a bath on my own. It seemed it was part of the process. A health care professional once told me that it is the physical equivalent of being in a car crash.
You need a quiet relaxed space to release it away from the baby.

During labour, contrary to all magazines / books etc's advice, you may not feel the overwhelming urge to push at any point. So if it's gone on a bit ask the midwife to take a look at how dialated you are.

Breastfeeding may hurt at first, but persevere as it will save you enough money over time for a decent holiday!

I have one. My midwife was telling me to push but I had no idea how. Then she told me to push as if I was trying to do a huge poo and I got it!

Oh, and sleep whenever you can. Leave the housework and just enjoy every second.

And only have visitors that will help. Make excuses so you don't have to see anyone high maintenance.

My dh was a total godsend in those first few weeks; he tookk his two weeks paternity leave but also added two weeks holiday on as well. I had an emergency section and it was fantastic having him at home while we got used to things!

Totally agree with the flip flops

My sister brought me 3 books in after I'd had him and I remember thinking "great - when the hell am I meant to read them?!" but once I'd got the hang of bf it was lovely to read when I was sat there for an hour at a time!

Ooh, and stay at home for as long as possible it's so much nicer than hospital...

OH YES melmog, I would have LOVED to have been told that beforehand. I was clenching my stomach muscles, pelvic floor, fanjo muscles... for two hours, and an annoying doctor sticking her fingers up me saying "Push here" (I am trying, you ^££"%) - nobody thought during this time to tell me that it is literally just like trying to push out a poo.

Whatever other people tell your SIL about labour, don't let her take it as gospel! Every woman will experience labour differently - and she'll experience it differently with each child. Until she gets there she won't know how it will go (I always had bad period pains and expected it to hurt - I shocked everyone by not finding labour particularly painful and by being so silent the MWs asked me to tell them when I was contracting as they didn't know!) Fear releases adrenalin which is exactly what you don't need when you're in labour - anything she can do to stay relaxed will help (taking her own pillow, pictures, essential oils to mask "hospital smell" - or staying at home altogether )

Birth as potrayed on most TV shows (especially Casualty and ER) tends to be overly dramatised - a good birth is much more calm and peaceful and doesn't tend to oinvolve emergency life or death decisions. Being aware of what can happen allows you to make a more informed decision more quickly - but expecting it can frighten you silly.

For new borns, I was told 3 things by my MWs:

• you can't spoil a newborn baby by picking them up
• they grow up inspite of you, not because of you
• this, too, will pass

(oh, and the good old moving goal posts of "the first few two days are the hardest", "the first weeks the hardest", "the first month's the hardest"...)

Don't feel you have to be polite to visitors - tell them if its not convenient for them to come around and kick them out when you've had enough. It might help to establish "visiting hour(s)" for a while if things are getting out of hand.

As well as not feeling suprised if she doesn't feel a bond straight away, don't feel suprised if there's a very strong one - I had problems with my in-laws as I found it very hard to deal with other people taking DD away from me (especially when she started crying and they wouldn't give her back). Looking back I should have said more sooner rather than sitting getting stressed, but at the time I felt I "had" to let them hold her.

If she finds it hard to ask for specific help, have a notice board somewhere with a list of jobs on and just ask volunteers to do whatever they feel up to.

Pin a checklist of "obvious" reasons why the baby might cry on the back of the door (hungry, wet, dirty, cold, hot, wind, cuddle) - by the 3rd night with no sleep you can start to forget a really scary number of things

A good sling can be a sanity saver if the baby wants to be held all the time - I used a stretchy wrap (this one, but there are plenty of others), which has MUCH better weight distribution for both adult and baby than slings like the Baby Bjorn.

Sorry that's such a random selection of thoughts . Hope she has a good experience, however it pans out, and doesn't find life with a newborn too traumatic

Thank you all so much. I am cutting and pasting all your comments into a word document for her (I don't think she's ready for mumsnet yet )

buy earplugs so she can't hear anyone including the baby while she tries to have a nap.

Plan on taking to your bed for 2 or 3 weeks.

Don't do anything except gaze at and feed baby.

Let other people do housework and wait on you hand and foot.

Don't fret about asking for help.

It's not dangerous to sleep with the baby in bed, as long as you do it safely. Don't be so scared of taking the baby into bed that you fall asleep on the sofa/in a chair - that's much more dangerous.

I second the reccommendation of a stretchy wrap sling. And practise with a teddy or something before the baby is born.

Tell visitors they have to ring first.
And not to bring pink babygros. Or blue. (after she receives the first 49 she'll want to puke if she sees another) I had 28 identical pink ones.

Anedicdote alert!

My 3 yr old nephew got measles. He was unvaccinated.

BUT

He lives in France, and was at nursery school. In France you cannot attend state school without being fully vaccinated. My sister told the school that he had been vaccinated in the UK. Every single other child in his school was fully up to date with immunisations. They live in the back of beyond, and people there travel no further than the nearest market town 10 km away.

So where did my nephew's measles come from, if herd immunity works?

sorry, wrong thread!

Most people lie about how long their babies sleep at night - ignore them

My tip for labour would be that it does hurt but the gas and air takes off just enough pain for you to be able to bare it. Any other form of pain relief will make your labour longer and I always wanted it over and done with really quickly.

Fill your freezer with party food and when you tell people the baby has arrived invite them to a baby warming party a couple of weeks later, say on a Sunday afternoon. That way everyone will know when the can come and see the baby and you will get some rest.

Never ask your HV anything about bfing unless they have bf. Always ring a bfing helpline or speak to a bfing cousellor if you want to know anything at all.

Read about sleeping safely with your baby and get a good sling that is easy to put on by yourself.

And tell her to enjoy her baby, those days are so precious.

Ignore anyone who uses the word "routine" with regard to your life for at least 6 months. Have an industrial size jar of Nutella in your cupboard at all times. Do online food shopping and don't feel you have to be dressed to let them in.

Wibblypig - I sucked lemon glucose tablets while I was in labour. Loads of them. Then when I was moved into theatre for the venteuse (and subsequent c-section), I hooped up all over the nurse. And it was radio-active yellow!! I'll never forget that one!!

My tip wold be to get a water bottle with a sports cap. I tried the straw thing but they kept flicking all over the place so DH went to the shop and got a bottle.

Also echo the 'buy double maternity towel thing'. However many you've got, buy more. And big apple-catcher pants from Primark.

Even if you feel fit as a fiddle in the few weeks after birth, you're bloody well not as you've just had a baby. Rest as much as possible and keep a 'to do' list as things occur to you (eg return phone call, take TENS machine to PO, make apt for registration) so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming.

Just in case breast feeding doesn't work out ...do a practice run through with your steriliser and actually make up a bottle of formula before the baby arrives. This would be my top tip - I wished I had done this instead of waiting until I was exhausted, emotional and not able to follow the simple instructions without crying with frustration!

after the first couple of weeks, try to get out of the house for a little walk every day. the fresh air and change of scene is really good for you, and little ones do seem to sleep really well after a bit of outside time. even if you don't make it out till 3pm, still go! (that's one good thing about a summer baby, its not dark at 4pm!)

i remember being amazed that the world, my street, corner shop, trees, all looked the same and all these people were just going about their daily lives, buying their pint of milk on the way home from work etc. when this utterly momentous event had happened to me. i wanted to shout out LOOK! i have had a (drum roll, fanfare) BABY! at random strangers.

just to add another thought to magbags', i wouldn't even have a steriliser/formula/bottles etc in the house as they may prove too much of a temptation to your dh or mil etc if you're having difficulties with bfing. the shops are open, these things can be bought quickly should the need arise, but the number of women on here i've seen say just after having a bfing breakthrough, 'thank god i didn't have formula at three am last night or i'd have given it to the baby' is really startling.

PS not the world's best bfer here actually so i speak from experience, formula is widely available if you do make a decision to use it.

Duchesse is spot on about Libby Purves' book - it is humourous and sensible in equal parts.

I'd also recmmend that she rests whenever the baby goes to sleep - with ds1, if he fell asleep, I'd plonk him in the moses basket and rush off to the kitchen or start doing some tidying etc - and then he'd wake up all refreshed from his nap, and I was knackered.

It turned out that mine slept best on me during the day, so when they napped, I tucked myself up on the couch with the baby and the remote control, and got some rest myself.

I also used a dummy with all of mine. I know some people hate them, but I think they saved the final shreds of my sanity.

Oh - and dh says to tell her dp/dh to take off any rings when she's in labour. Apparently I was trying to force dh's wedding ring through the bone whilst I was in labour, and it hurt the poor love. Awwww.

And try the gas and air. It is amazing, and I think that they should let all mothers take a supply home with them - it would certainly have helped with the terrible twos!!

good advice about sleeping but remember now that the advice is very strongly NOT to sleep on the couch. many, many cot deaths are in fact deaths from babies getting suffocated in a sofa.

If she reads any of the baby books tell her to that they are NOT gospel. The books contain points of view and the ideas / routines / not routines outlined in them are not necessarily applicable to everyone or every baby! The books can be useful but above all trust your instinct and don't try and fit yourself into a mold you don't feel you belong in.

Sorry ahven't read all the replies os might be repeating!

Don't believe everyting you get told, my classes were preparing me for the longest most painful labour and birth ever, and it was not as bad as I'd thought!

Remember your body is designed to get the baby out, have faith.

To go with the flow, its good to ahve a plan but at the end of the day her and PFB's health are all that matter.

Don't forget to take flash wipes!