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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Don't like the idea of family knowing when I'm in labour - am I weird???

55 replies

ilovemuffins · 25/09/2008 19:57

Evening Ladies,

just wondering - am I the only one out here who doesn't like the idea of their families knowing once they're in labour? DH thinks I'm a bit strange

I hasten to add that we have a very good relationship with both our families, and we are going to let them know of sproggy's arrival very quickly after the birth. But I'd just prefer them not to know what I'm up to while I'm still in labour... just seems such a personal thing to go through that people knowing about it seems just one step short of actually watching me..!

We are not going to call people to let them know when labour starts, but not sure what to do if they call us. DH is a very honest character and reluctant to lie to anybody on the phone... especially since he doesn't understand why it's such an issue for me...

Am I the only one feeling this way??

OP posts:

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PortAndLemon · 25/09/2008 21:39

Totally normal -- DH did tell my parents first time round (I was in London, he was in Edinburgh, and he wanted them on standby) and when it turned into a very long labour my mother decided to phone the maternity ward for an update, which is NOT what you want when you are in the middle of pushing. The idea that if anything significant had happened we would have called her did not, apparently, occur. Second time round was much quicker and started in the middle of the night so the question didn't arise, but I wouldn't have called anyone anyway (well, had to tell MIL as she was looking after DS, but apart from that).

rempy · 25/09/2008 21:40

Not weird, seems more weird to me to tell everyone that youve gone into labour.

My IL were staying with us when I went into labour with my second. I was really quite uncomfortable with that. They were sat downstairs watching TV, I was sat in the room above on a fit ball trying to stay quiet. It was great that they could babysit dd, but I did NOT need to be sent off to hospital with good wishes, concerned faces etc.

Like someone has said, all you want to do is concentrate on the job in hand, not worry if they need another cup of tea...

AbstractMouse · 25/09/2008 21:40

I didn't have a choice with dd, lived with my Mum at the time, although would have phoned to tell her anyway.

Had elcs with ds so everyone knew, maybe you only get this concern when you have lots of family. The only family I have now is 4 sisters only 2 of which I talk to, can't imagine they would be phoning every 5 minutes.

I dunno I would feel lucky and loved if lots of people were phoning all the time to see how I was (not that I'm pg, although would like to be)

But I don't think yabu wanting it to be a private time tbh. Do what feels right for you.

Romy7 · 25/09/2008 21:45

you could always do what i did and send my parents on a skiing holiday to canada with dh's parents over the due date
i know that sounds very flash, but it was MY HOLIDAY booked before i got pregnant, and we couldn't get a refund lol.

callmeovercautious · 25/09/2008 21:47

I called my mum and DH called his to say things were starting but that it may just be a flase alarm and we would call again if I went into hospital.

It was a good tactic. They did not call us as they did not want to disturb me if I was trying to sleep and I did not go in until 11pm so we did not call them until morning - at which point DD had arrived safely

My dad actually thanked us for not calling the night before as my mum would have paced the floor all night Whereas she had just assumed things had stopped and went to bed in blissful ignorance.

MadamAnt · 25/09/2008 21:53

Totally normal IMO. We had to tell our families as ILs had offered to look after DD when I went into labour, and I didn't want my family to feel excluded iykwim.

When my PIL came to pick up DD they hung about a bit, and I would discreetly nip out of the room whenever I felt a contraction coming on. Didn't manage to get away for one of them and had to try to maintain conversation with MIL.

MIL : Oooh are you having a contraction?

Me : No. Mmmmmff.

AbstractMouse · 25/09/2008 21:56

Must admit tbh I don't really get why you are all so opposed to the family knowing? (Although do admit it may be my actual lack of family)

missblythe · 25/09/2008 21:59

I didn't want a soul to know, although my mum was insistent that we call her as soon as labour started.

We didn't, though, and am so glad, as then she would have been awake for 36 hours straight too, and what good would that do?

It was lovely for DH to pop out of the ward a few hours after DD was born and let the Grannies know what a lovely surprise had arrived.

Will have to tell her this time, as she'll be on stand-by to look after DD. Hopefully this one will be a bit quicker!

PortAndLemon · 25/09/2008 21:59

Try being in the middle of a long second stage that isn't going well (ended in em c/s) when someone random comes in and says "I've got a Mrs Lemon on the phone..." and you may get a glimmer of understanding...

bessmum · 25/09/2008 22:15

Totally agree with you. Had to tell my parents as went into labour in the middle of the night when DH was at work. DH told the ILs so they weren't left out and a few days after the event they actually gave us stick for the fact that they had been worrying all day and DH had only texted them a couple of times with progress reports (labour was about 12 hours). Mind you they also stayed at ours whilst I was in hospital for 4 days after delivery, DH spent long days at the hospital but when he got home found that his parents had eaten most of our food and not left him anything. Also the day that I came home with DD they asked if we were all going to go out for a meal that night! I am sure that they just didn't realise how thoughtless they had been but I will do my very best to keep them out of the way for as long as I can this time. So I think your feelings are totally appropriate.

AbbeyA · 25/09/2008 22:16

I must be weird then, I can't imagine not telling them!

Niecie · 25/09/2008 22:25

No you aren't alone.

My mother was with me minutes after my waters broke with DS1 but I hadn't gone into labour and I didn't even tell her I had gone to hospital. Poor woman must have spent all day wondering what was happening but as the saying goes, no news is good news so she knew I was OK.

PIL still didn't know for 12 hours after DS was born as DH left a message for them and they didn't pick it up until the following morning. It was a nice surprise for them though.

BIL always phones up and says his wife was in labour and I found it a bit weird really. Everybody was edge then, waiting for news. Much better that the first they hear of it is the safe arrival of the baby.

PinkyDinkyDooToo · 25/09/2008 22:26

My Mum asked us to phone her when I went into labour with DS1. We didn't phone her as we didn't have time, but I didn't want to either. My PIL knew as I went in to labour at their house

It is actually better that they don't know because then everyone is on edge waiting. My FIL was so stressed he had to go to bed, from worrying about it.

So I would hate people to know and be sitting waiting for info, esp as you could have a really long labour.

Peabody · 26/09/2008 05:52

I totally agree with the OP. My family would stress me out with their worrying if they were given any information at all on my progress towards birth.

They get a phonecall when it's all over and there's actual news to tell.

Stick to your guns as you want to be relaxed for the birth, not stressed by endless enquiries!

cheerfulvicky · 26/09/2008 08:13

I felt exactly the same! Irrational on my part, but very strong feeling. I was worried about visits afterwards too, but after the birth I calmed down and had both grandmothers visit later the same day. I felt intensely, almost primally private about the birth, and got upset when my mum wanted to wait at the hospital while I was labouring. I just HATED the feeling of intrusion! Put it down to the last surge of pregnancy hormones

Original poster

ilovemuffins · 26/09/2008 08:13

great, thanks for all your messages! Good to know I'm not the only one then.

Mumsnet is great - I showed all your replies to DH, who now at least has to acknowledge my feelings may not be so unusual after all... either that, or he now thinks we are all weird But we agreed just not to answer the phone once I'm in labour.

OP posts:

ummadam · 26/09/2008 11:37

as we didn't want any 'fuss' from family either my DH sent texts to each of our parents to say that I was in labour at home but fine and we would let them know if anything changed. he sent another one when we were at the hospital to say we were there but it could still take some time and we would let them know. Other than this neither of us answered any calls or texts for 3 days I could completely understand them wanting to know what was going on (first granchild all round) and that they were worried about me - but we both needed some space and I couldn't bear the thought of them waiting in the hospital or dropping round.

sambrads · 26/09/2008 18:18

i would have loved to go in and nobody know i was in labour and get a nice phone call in the morning saying baby such in such is here but i was not as lucky

my father knew mw that was looking after me and he called her all the time to see at was happening to tell my mum

Ebb · 27/09/2008 10:35

I had already told Dp not to tell people I was in labour - didn't want people turning up at the hospital uninvited - but as it happened I went into labour in the wee hours 2 weeks early so just called everyone after Ds arrived. Obviously next time we will have to tell someone as we'll need someone to look after Ds.

PinkTulips · 27/09/2008 12:10

with dd.... pfb grandchild on both sides... dp rang my parents bout half an hour before she was born and i think he rang his parents then too. he then rang about half an hour after she was born to let them know.

with ds i had to ring my mother to mind dd so she obviously knew but the first dp's family knew of it was a call at gone midnight to say they had a grandson.

wouldn't have been comfortable with everyone knowing the whole way through, was annoying enough my mother being in my house while i was labouring beofre going to hospital and that was for all of an hour or so! drove me mad!

PinkTulips · 27/09/2008 14:05

funnily enough with dd my dad was over at our house while i was in the early stages and never realised! when he found out afterwards all he said was 'you could have mentioned' and my mom told him to 'stop being ridiculous, what would have been the point of that?'

belgo · 27/09/2008 14:07

My parents didn't want to know when I was in labour - they would just have worried - and being far away they couldn't have helped at all.

motherinferior · 27/09/2008 14:10

My mother rang while I was in labour (it was her birthday). I threatened to kill DP if he told her. He muttered words to the effect of 'er, MI is lying down because she's a bit tired' to them.

gem1981 · 27/09/2008 18:14

haven't read the whole thread but i have a cautionary tale.....

DH called up my parents when i was in established labour to let them know what was happening.

we owned a chippy at the time and it was a busy friday night and my mum got so excited that she announced updates to the queue!!!

Anyway DS was born at 5.30pm.

at around 9.00 pm when i heard voices i vaguely recognised (i was still in the delivery room) i thought it was the drugs.

then two heads popped round the door of the delivery suite and my DAD and my sister were grinning back at me

I was quite annoyed as I was in no fit state to receive visitors but they had begged the staff to be let in.

needless to say this time - i have set down GROUND RULES

so no you are not being wierd look what happened to me.

GordonTheGopher · 27/09/2008 18:19

My sister didn't tell me until after she'd had the baby. Yes you know who you are MrsJamin.

I was slightly annoyed... she thought I'd worry. Which I would have done as her ds was breech and she'd gone into labour, only to have been turned away from local hospital!

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