Do I need DP to stay with me the night after a c section?

[LadyThompson]

I'd really appreciate some advice on this. I'm having a c-section and from what I have read on here before, I think I'd quite like DP to stay at the hospital the night after I have it. I'll be in my own room and they provide campbeds for partners if wanted. But he doesn't want to. It's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't care - I know he does v much - he hates hospitals, is incredibly squeamish (and tbh I think disturbed by the fact that I'll have had an operation - I know he is worried about coping with being there when I have the section). He also says if he stays he will be under the nurses' feet. The thing is, maybe I'll feel too rotten to want him there, I don't know (you know how it is when you feel really rough) but I am a bit worried about the baby crying in the night and not being able to cuddle her as I won't be able to sit up. He'll stay with me all day, and so maybe the kind thing to do would be to let him go home to sleep and come back next morning. And that's the problem: I don't know who is being unreasonable, him or me. Lost all perspective on this one! Perhaps I am getting into a fret over nothing?

taliac I know!! I was just as amazed.

I had 2 traumatic very painful "normal" deliveries prior to this,and watched all the other poor mums,after they'd had their C -Sections,on my ward,stooped over and in alot of pain,couldn't seem to hold their babies,without discomfort,so I really quite dreaded it.

But mine was a real doddle,best delivery I have ever had! Terrible to say it,but wish I'd "given in" and had one with the other DC's!

Not making light of the major surgery and risks etc.But based on my experience I'm sure you can see why!

Having said all that, it also depends on what kind of dh/dp you have. Mine is actually part-girl in his ability to cry, be slushy, care, fetch, carry and nurture. He;s also very practical and, as I said before, not squeamish at all. If I had a dh that was in the least bit chuffy about doing things for me or tutting when I asked anything, or the type that might 'disappear' to the canteen for hours on end, etc. I think I'd tell him to stay at home and have those gorgeous first hours to myself.

blimey LT, i think your dp and mine went to the same button-pushing workshop

For the first few hours after your CS you'll be on a high dependency unit anyway so he probably won't be camp down there if you have the CS in the late evening. If your CS is in the morning or afternoon then he'll be sat on a chair next to your bed anyway looking in amazement at baby Thompson anyway won't he?

Will he be present during the CS? If so then staying with you will be a piece of cake in comparison and he probably won't want to leave afterwards anyway!

Really Raines? Wow. St Mary's in West London. The obs is Lorin Lakasing. It will probably be week beginning 24 Nov but every possibility I might have to have it done sooner.

Yes, I know it's three months away yet and it's probably too soon to be worrying about all this, but it came up last night in conversation and alarmed me a little (and caused a row).

I think on balance, the people who have said I should simply wait and see are probably right...and I do see in one way that a night just me and the baby might be special - assuming I am up to caring for her, but again, I suppose you just get on with it!

Titchy, he will be present at the section but only, I suspect, because he knows that it is more than his life is worth not to. I do know though he is HUGELY worried that he is going to faint or run out the door, even with the screen up. I feel sorry for him actually, and glad I'm not like it. Not saying I actively love blood and guts but it doesn't faze me overly.

Hi LadyThompson I hope your doing well on a whole.

here's what i think:

i think that if you are a bit forceful with your husband/dp he will stay but you might feel guilty.

he'll feel guilty every day if he doesn't stay the night with you.

i think your needs with adjusting to a new baby even though there is help on hand are more important than his comfort and that he will be useful in picking up and cuddling the baby during the first few nights...in fact i think it's paramount.

it's all a matter on whose guilt/needs outweigh the others i guess? so you might feel differently

like you, i'm waiting on my first. the place i'm delivering also provide an extra bed for the partners... but my husband gets incredibly annoying when he feels helpless. so i think i'll be making up a list of errands for him to do for example making sure to call the printers to have the birth announcements printed/ make sure to have a picture taken of the baby for the birth announcements...make an appointment for the circumcision etc.

LT, youve made me look up doula courses online again (have thought about it before)
id love to be around for people in the unquestioning/undemanding way we all deserve when we're doing the whole giving birth thing.

I would imagine its the amount of weight I put on that made my muscles worse.

I have big babies,but also get huge when pregnant,no neat footballs for me

As I am left with that weight above my waist,I can see why those muscles have "suffered".

Howabout when you talk to DP,suggest this is a way of "replacing" those bad hospital related memories with something he'll want to be part of...and this is when you'll need him most,its the first "step" of joint-parenting.

My DH went home,and did all the phonecalls etc.He got some sleep and then returned with lots of goodies for me and the baby!So if he still reluctant,make sure he stays late and returns early.

Mmm, actually starting to get a bit of perspective back. I suppose it's only one night (or two, or three) in my whole life and that of my DD. It's not like I will be left to rot. Perhaps it's more his loss than mine. Hmmm.

Yes, Eandz, it's a tough one. I think I'm just going to leave it and see if my mind clears any further. Hope all goes well for you.

Blodysmartarse - you should, cos you've certainly helped me

Sawyer, I did try to sell it to him that it was a 'compliment' that I actually wanted him there...Also, he'd probably be up for staying late and returning early so maybe that's the compromise. But if I have a shit time in the night without him there I'll never let him forget it

thank you ladythompson i wish the best for you too! i can't wait to read your birth announcement.

If you can persuade DH to stay, please do - you wont be able to get up and about very easily after C-section, so you will need someone to help with baby (and midwives do not respond very quickly to calls for help).

That's what worries me the most, Dinky. I have (in fairness probably quite hormonal) visions of my new baby crying and getting all distressed, and me not being able to reach her or lift her, and the midwives being to busy to assist.

I had 4 cs and my husband never got the opportunity to stay over but the nurses were brilliant. On no 4, i was able to manage to get her out of the cot to feed her but had to ring for the nurses to put her back in.
Completely agree about the private room being very isolated as I had pnd after no 2 and felt very different being on a ward for no 4 because there was always someone to chat to, and i wouldnt be the most outgoing of people!
Good Luck

LT - thank you for that!

LadyThompson,
yes same hospital, same consultant for the c-section! I'm middle of October so will let you know how it goes! Happy to e-mail off-line if you want to share experience!

Raines, that would be FANTASTIC. I really like her so far, I must say. My email address is rosebaywillowherb @ hotmail . com - will be dying to hear how you get on!

I had a c section and DH simply wasn't allowed to stay over. I really could have done with him being there though and really wish it had been an option.