If I were to post some of the testimonials that I've got perhaps you would understand better.
Let me share something that a client's husband sent (their baby was born in the early hours of Monday).
Dear Mars,
I am trying to get my thoughts down in an email as soon as possible, while my eyes still fill up with tears every time I think about the whole experience.
We cannot begin to thank you enough for everything you have done for us over the marathon. At the end of it, all five of us (You, mw, client, baby, client's DH) worked brilliantly as a team for the best possible outcome. However, I cannot help but feel you were absolutely instrumental in guiding and supporting us through the whole thing. At each of the key turning points in the journey, you were there to steer us towards the positive outcome.
You were constantly there with the practical support - whether it be help keeping the pool full of hot water, magicing up delicious food or cups of tea. Having flicked through some of the photos - you seem to be almost a pro photographer! Your support for Irini was great - I picked up on you carefully placing your hand down for Irini to grab while in the pool - allowing her to make an unspoken decision
You were fantastic at coaching us. It is seems easy in the anti-natal classes to remember all the tips, but it all went out the window when at the start I was breathing through each contraction with "d-a-m-n i-t". You immediately replace "damn it" with "yes" and a reminder to not fight the contractions. I felt able to get back into some kind of control and keep breathing out "yessss" with Irini. You kept us mobile or resting, whatever was appropriate with a constant stream of ideas to get things moving or get some energy back.
Your steady flow of gentle guiding tips - often unspoken - to keep me being there for I with the right thing at the particular moment was something that I never realised, but helped us immeasurably.
The most important part of the coaching came at that critical moment. Looking back on it now, I feel that I went through a partners version of transition. I felt absolutely hopeless seeing I having given more than she thought she could every give physically give to then spend a further 3 hours trying. I couldn't face the thought of us leaving our home environment to the hospital - but felt we had to accept it. In that moment of complete doubt in our teams ability to see I push through to the right conclusion, you were able to pick me up from the bottom, while still supporting I. You were then able to give me that push to say I had to support her right then and there. It was down to that that I ignored any doubt and just went to work with her. In the end, I's big push felt like a football match when the crowd is all for one side.
You were absolutely brilliant in the role of gatekeeper. It really felt like you were creating this space for I and I. With the various people coming in and out of the house - somehow you managed to make it all work and keep our atmosphere. At the critical point of making the hospital decision, you cleared the room in the blink of an eye leaving I and I alone to think as calmly as possible - it was wonderful to have a minute as just us.
The amazing thing is that reading this now - it looks like you were totally in control - but actually, you managed it all while letting us run the whole thing for ourselves. That is a real balancing act.
Anyway - I can't type any more and I am sure I have missed half of what I meant to thank you for.
We have had a great first day - we are all doing well in our right place at home. He has already managed a nice fountain of pee all over the bed - so, we have now started on the obvious lessons!
**
I have taken out the names (my client's name begins with I).
I think that the above sums up the point of doulas really.