I think I need help

[CoteDAzur]

Today I broke down and started to sob in front of the gynecologist who just did my smear test. Poor man had only asked if we were thinking of having another baby.

DD is 3. DH and I just agreed to TTC a few days ago, and since then, I can't sleep. My horrendous birth experience, the month long hell that followed, and the years it took me to feel normal again keep turning in my head. And I am not even pregnant yet.

Good news is that gynecologist said not to worry, that he will do a cesarean section if I so wish. Bad news is that I can't get over the horror that was DD's birth.

Not sure what I expect as a reply to this, but just wanted to tell it to someone.

Maria - I hope I haven't scared you. Others have had easy births and no problems to speak of.

Just refuse an episiotomy with all your force, is my humble advice.

Hi Cote

I read your post and so much of it echoes my own experience. I am in Spain and I think the attitudes and care (or rather lack of it) are very similar to those in France
I too had a "big" baby (4.1kgs) 18 months ago and felt that when I went into labour I was totally ignored and unsupported. They had threatened me with induction for weeks due to "baby´s size" and I felt nobody was listening to me. I had nothing explained to me unless I insisted and felt totally worthless throughout.

Eventually I had to have a C-Sec, I was in such a state of panic by this point that they knocked me out and afterwards I was just left to get on with it. They kept my baby away from me for 2 whole days and the whole experience was one of the worst times in my life.

I too want another baby but just the mere thought of having to go through a similar experience is terrifying. I cannot get the memory out of my mind and just typing this makes me cry. Its all still so raw.

Not much advice I´m afraid just wanted to hold out my hand to you

Cote, Bebespain - I am so sorry you both had such awful experiences. I too had an absolutely horrid birth experience with my son (but in the UK in my case) due to a midwife from the medieval ages - however, I'm pregnant again now and like to think that having been through all of the pain and anguish of the birth of my DS, I now know more about what I will and will not accept in labour and am much more certain about how to ascert myself. After my DS's birth, I wrote everything down in a 14 page complaint letter to the hospital, an enquiry was launched which resulted in an apology and the midwife in question being retrained, which in hindsight helped me achieve closure on my birth nightmare. I agree with LuluMama - writing things down, getting support and starting to feel like you're no longer reliving it is the first step in the healing process...

My first birth left me doubly incontinent for almost 6 months, so I know all about your anxieties. I was offered the option of having an elective C-S, or going for a natural birth and risking another collapse....

I found the C-S experience very calm and weirdly enjoyable. Recovery quicker than I expected too. Life is too short to beat yourself up over what happened. There are alternative options and you can avoid a repeat experience, whether you go for C-S or properly supported natural.

MrsTittleMouse - Yes, I remember your experience

Did you manage to get hold of the scar treatment cream I told you about? It is specific to scars from gynecological operations and it worked wonders for me. If you can't find it and don't mind giving a postal address to me, I will get one next time I am in Turkey (in two months) and post it to you. I think it will help you with your ongoing issues re existing scar tissue, even if (keeping fingers crossed) no new scars are created this time around.

This is appalling! Your baby, while on the large side, was quite within normal range. My first dc was big, and I wasn't pushed into having an epidural like you were. Sounds like you were totally numbed up and unable to feel anything and then ended up having major interventions done to you which wouldnt have happened if you'd been more in control.

You have been treated badly and it might be worth seeing a counsellor for it.

FWIW I had an elective CS (Breach baby) and it was a lovely experience and the staff were all great.

I too have had an episiotomy (SP) and it took about a year before I felt myself. My memories of DS2s first 3 weeks are breastfeeing standing up and sobbing. It then got infected and the pain was indescriable. I think I was lucky not to get PND.

cotedazur
siubds dreadfuk
the comment abiut big babies is so wrong
i had an almost 9lber without even a graze
it is perfectly possible

i hope thart you can get some support with this

I had a similar issue with my episiotomy wound after I had my first child. And other trauma too. In the end, I had another vaginal delivery with my second, but I was offered a CS, and TBH that did make a huge difference to me. Once I stopped fretting about not being allowed to have one, I could actually listen to what people were saying about what went wrong first time and how they would endeavour to prevent it happening again.

And my second baby was nearly 10 lbs, and I did tear a bit, but only a bit and God, it was so different in terms of healing. I barely noticed it

Do talk it through, and good luck.

How awful for you

My first was also 9lbs but I gave birth to him by myself (with some tearing) but I would prefer that to being cut, luckily my midwife listened to my wishes though unlike yours

I hope you can sort this out in your mind before you are pregnant, it sounded terribly traumatic ... I would be reassured in the knowledge that your gyne genuinly does seem to care and is taking an interest.

I think I too would be considering a C-sec in this situation.

bebespain

The dehumanizing aspect of it scars as bad as the physical damage, I agree. And the just Not Caring.

The jackass that called himself my doctor was sitting in his office just meters from my door the whole three days I waited for him to show up so I could say just how much pain I was in. And then he just dismissed the pitiful state I was in with "Some people just have low pain thresholds" I don't actually, having previously continued a basketball match with a broken finger and most notably, stitched a wound on my arm.

Your experience sounds horribly similar to mine although I wasnt induced (but was going down the pe route but gave birth early).

I too had to have a large episiotomy that took weeks to heal. I was asked if it was ok to do but told they were doing it if that makes any sense. This is what haunted me for months after the birth. I think there is something about an episiotomy that really stays with a woman and can be very traumatic.

I am now 31 weeks pregnant and the only thing I am worried about is having another episiotomy. Feel I can cope with labour, everything else fine, just not this.

However I am a lot lot better than I was - I used to shake and cry at the thought of it and was fixated on the whole thing for months after birth. Talking on here about it helped, as did reading plenty of active birth type books.

I suffered from pnd for lots of reasons but think this was definitely one of them. About a year after the birth - after having anti d's to initially get better - I found myself still with strong issues and didnt want to get pregnant without sorting them first. In the end I found a lovely doula and approached her as a counsellor style person. Basically she listened whilst I talked (a lot lol) and gave me practical advice and a nice lot of sympathy and understanding too. Over only a few sessions the fears lifted considerably for me to get pregnant again. I have wobbled a lot since but talking on here about it, helping myself understand birth and doing what I can to stay in control this time around are really helping.

I am working with a different doula for the birth and planning a hopeful home birth - however what happens I hope/know that I will be more in control this time around and already in this pregnancy people are treating me differently. Whether this is because I am now "experienced" or whether they are reacting to my attitude I dont know. I am trying to plan things that put less of a risk on a epi - water birth, active birth, different birth positions etc and perninneal massage. Saying that I find this difficult to do psychologically as it reminds me of things - but when I have done it occasionally it hasnt been as painful as I thought it would be.

I hope you get the answers and hope that you need.

xxx

findtheriver - I could feel enough to push. I was numb around the perineum (didn't feel the cut nor the stitching) and couldn't move my legs, but contractions were incredibly painful on my lower back and right under the ribcage. Having read up on it now, I now think DD was back to back, not that anyone bothered to tell me this in the numerous ante-natal scans, during labor or afterwards.

I have some friends who have had an epidural and felt that they werent totally numbed up and could push. Then when they have a second birth without epi, they realise that actually it's quite a different sensation! The epi may not totally numb you, but it works by blocking the feeling so you are far less in control than you would be without. Without an epidural, you have feeling in your perineum, which, yeah, hurts like hell, but also enables you to have more sense of what is happening to your body. It enables the pushing to be more controlled. I also found that friends who had epidurals found the pain after their birth far more difficult to cope with, once the anaesthetic wore off, as they only became aware of the bruising and stitching after the event, whereas if you dont have an epi, you're not going to have that transition from feeling nothing, or virtually nothing, to feeling awful!

The epidural wasn't the issue here though - it was a medical professional who was hell bent on giving Cote an episiotomy no matter what.

Cote - I haven't dealt with the cream yet. In fact, I have pretty much tried to ignore the scar for the past couple of months. To be honest, just dealing with the birth issues is taking up all my strength and I have put everything else on hold so that I don't completely burn out. You have given me a spur to get moving on all the stuff I'd like to do after the birth though. It's only a few months now, and I'm sure that I won't be feeling like getting organised when I have a newborn and a toddler.

waffletrees - That is exactly what I remember as well - first three weeks breastfeeding standing up and sobbing. Also eating while lying down completely flat, with a plate under my chin.

I didn't get PND, either. I did feel like punching the next doctor/nurse/midwife to suggest I might have PND, though. I wasn't a wreck because I was depressed. I was a wreck because I was in constant and unbearable PAIN.

waitingtobloom - I hope it all goes well for you.

At some point after the birth, do please say how it went and what knowledge/technique helped.

Good luck.