DH has suddenly turned round and admitted he doesn't agree to my homebirth VBAC.

[whomovedmychocolate]

So basic facts: Em CS after failed induction for PET 2 years ago.Complicated medical history with blood disorder which means avoiding any intervention is very important. Consequential fear of hospitals. I want a HBAC. He wants me to go to hospital and/or book in for a CS. He believes that doctors know best and wouldn't be recommending a hospital birth unless I was in danger being elsewhere.

Has been blithely doing the 'yes, whatever you want I'll support' line for six months, but after homebirth course last night is now saying he thinks I'm in 'cloud cuckoo land' but that 'he isn't allowed to have a view' and 'will support whatever I want'.

He's latched onto something a junior registrar said that 'no consultant on earth would recommend a homebirth in my circumstances'. Despite the fact a very senior consultant said I had more chance of being run over in the car park of the hospital than having a scar rupture during a home birth.

DH also said, in front of my mum yesterday that he thought that labour was 'bloody boring' (I don't actually disagree with this but don't appreciate him saying so) and that he 'wanted to be there for the birth' but wasn't too bothered about the rest of it.

I've not spoken to him about it since because I'm (a) flipping mad and (b) hurt that he is being such a flake.

I just don't know what to do. My mum would happily be there for the birth but I don't want to drive a wedge between us by banning him but I just feel like he's condemning me to fail by not believing I can do this. .

Has anyone faced this problem before and how did you handle it. I'm really not sure what to do - I don't actually feel I have any options, for me, I either have to have a homebirth or I may as well book in for a cs now because if I'm not going to get any support and am going to be nagged continually to transfer or go to hospital, the end result will be another emergency caesarian anyway.

All I would say is it is baby too, he will be worried about you and your baby. My husband had to watch me have a traumatic birth twice where he thought he was going to lose the baby and me both times. There is no way I was having a home birth even though I would have liked one.

MrsPickles - Well technically you could get up and walk out. Crawl out more likely - good for you! Did the midwife follow you?

Sorry, crossed posts - if the midwife unit is a no-go then stick to your guns re homebirth. Agree with expat, you've put time and energy into researching it, you deserve the chance to give it a go.

Good point MrsPickles

But then most of us, when we're in the hospital, end up feeling like we've got no choice and can't just leave. It's like an unwritten rule. We legally can just leave, I suppose, but we're left feeling like we are not 'allowed'.

You had the advantage of having planned a HB. Well done you!

wmmc- sorry to hear this is you. Would a doula be a good solution?
But I can also see it from his pov- as NAB said- often we don't remember the hell of it properly, because of the hormones post-birth, but DH/DPs do.
Hope it all works out for your family.

"Am very tempted to hide in the bathroom and deliver on my own just to avoid all conversations with anyone at this point."

I can understand why this is appealing at the moment. I really feel for you, it is rubbish when you feel unsupported or pressured by medical staff and what their policies will allow. You need your DH to be there for you and help you through your next birth. As for 'being bored' I would of flipping decked him for that comment alone !!!

All the best, I hope you get something sorted out.

I think domino care sounds promising.

I can understand your DH's concerns. I'd be petrified if I were him. He's said some pretty daft things though. Tell him that if he wants to be there he has to support you because it's you that's got to do all the hardwork.

BUT, I think you need to compromise on what you want from this birth experience because tbh, from what you've said, I'd not be happy being so far away from hospital should something come up, and, with your history, you are more at risk of something happening. And you have another child already to think about. Sorry if that's not what you want to here.

Actually, I think a doula would give you the experience you want - irrespective of whether you were at home or hospital.

I feel for you, Whomoved, I would be upset and angry too in your position, and just at a time when you need to be feeling supported so that you can focus on your body and your baby.

I had a very positive home VBAC 7 months ago, and I don't think I would have gone through with it without the support of the UKVBACHBAC list (on Yahoo groups), already mentioned by someone. I heartily recommend it, there are some really fantastic supportive women on there with loads of experience and information. I remember them recommending a book written for men on supporting their partner in childbirth (sorry can't remember what it's called).

Also you could try getting lots of facts and statistics supporting homebirth and VBAC (from the VBAC list and try the AIMS website too) to show to your DH. Men are often more comfortable with hard facts I think. E.g. even if your scar does rupture, the odds of serious harm to the baby are something like 1 in 2-3,000.

All the best (( ))

v similar situation with my dh last year. he is not really one for the whole nct fluffy homebirth stuff (tongue in cheek emoticon there) and didn't want me to have a hbac and I'm sure would rather not have been there. missed ds1's birth, was v hands off for ds2

I got a doula

but . . .
d'you know what? he amazed me in labour. he was so supportive and it was such an amazing and intense experience. I laboured standing up for a lot of it and was wrapped round him for most of it. at one point during a really strong cx, he was holding all of me cos I lifted my legs right up and just hung round his neck. he was such a star.
I put it down to being at home, in his own environment, rather than in hosp where he would have naturally let the mw take over

so don't assume he will be crap and unsupportive (like I did) when it comes to it - he might surprise you

Not the same but somewhat similar - I had two scary deliveries - PPH in both, flat-lined the whole 9 yards, hideous experiences both. First was an elective c-section for breech presentation second was an emergency c-section after a long labour with me continuing to ask for 'more time' - that OP 10lb 10oz daughter of mine wasn't having any of it. Third time around I wanted again to attempt a vaginal delivery - DH went white, nodded appropriately and continued to do so for about 8 months. Consultant was shitting herself but had of course agreed that if I wanted a trial of labour then of course I could - final appointment at 8 months she really laid it on the line. DH then started crying that night - to him the risks were just so huge and he of course really couldn't 'get' why I was so hell bent on a vaginal delivery. He explained how bloody awful it had been for him as he was tossed out of the operating theatre, handed a new-born and left to it for hours as they sorted me out x 2. He was convinced I would be a goner this time - he tried and failed to understand why I would take even the slightest risk - the risk of leaving him and our two daughters, never mind the poor wee soul who I was carrying at the time, for MY ideal - that of vaginal delivery.

By the sounds of things your DH is in a similar place - can you get him to identify what his real fears are and address them? My risks were of course different to those you face at the moment but discussing them in detail certainly cleared the fog for DH and I.

I found I actually wasn't able to address his fears and had an elective section. I DO still regret having never given birth vaginally but also honestly feel that in the grand scheme of things it ain't actually that big a deal.

This has turned into a bit of an epic - sorry but I hope it will help.

Gomez - I can totally understand what you are saying and your DHs point of view.

Actually I can also understand DHs point of view too - to his mind, it's an unnecessary risk because he thinks caesarians are safe and hospitals are safe caring places.

His fears are:

(1) That something bad will happen to me (he's not actually factored in the risks to the baby for some reason).
(2) That I will be disappointed and upset for many months, as I was last time - but it took me six months to recover fully physically and a lot longer mentally.
(3) Oh and the big one - that I am a big wuss who will scream and demand an epidural at the first contraction (I don't really understand this one - surely that's what he wants? )

WMMC - I feel sorry for both of you.

I see you didn't put down option 5 - buying a caravan and parking it in the hopsital car park to labour in. At least you'd be near the hospital and assured of a parking space.

(I'm sorry, I haven't any sensible advice. He's acting like an idiot because he loves you.)

Ha, no he is an idiot - he married me knowing what I was like and then expects me to have changed. And I'm an idiot for the same reason.

I understand it's benign unreasonableness. But just don't know what to do.

I think I need to spend a few days thinking about how to handle things.

WMMC

My dh was terrified during my labour of no 2 which ended in an unnecessary section and equally terrified during labour for no 3 which ended in an abruption and a vba2c.

It is much easier (I think) for the mum, who is focussed on birthing rather than the dad who is aware of all that goes on around.

Could you not afford a doula, or even better an IM? If you had an IM or even an NHS midwife at home who you trust and more to the point in this case who your dh trusts, then surely he would be reassured over any possible 'pear shaped' occurrences and then be able to support you in the process of birthing no 2.

If I lived closer I would volunteer to come and doula - a very scary thought as I am not one, I just know what a positive experience a vbac can be

I wish I could help rather than just type

good luck

We could afford both a doula and an IM but none are available in this area at the time. We've tried. Also I'm quite odd about having people around me when I'm in pain, I have a tendency to kick everyone out and hide.

If you are having a homebirth, how exactly is the prat going to opt out of being there? Go for a very long walk?

Not wanting people round you is entirely sensible and natural, it's only social conditioning that has made us behave differently.

Does he understand the difference between junior doctors and consultants, btw? Long history of nurses covering for junior docs who don't know their arses from their elbows wrt stuff like taking bloods.

Explain to him it's a bit like someone taking the views of a work experience person at his firm over his. (Apologies to any junior docs out there but am thinking of analogy for pig-headed dh who really doesn't get it.)

I had one when I was p/g with ds who took one look at my tummy and said 'didn't you use stretchmark cream'. Daft mare, obviously doesn't realise beauty manufacturers tell porkies...

Actually Edam this is an issue. I have a really rare blood condition - which my senior consultant understands - he didn't when I had my last baby but because I was under his care then he took the time afterwards to learn (he's a really great consultant and quite down to earth considering his exalted status). But the junior consultant clearly doesn't understand it.

Now I've stuck some info on it in my notes for the midwives and they've read it and they agree, they don't entirely understand it but that they don't have to - the main point is that there is no way I can plan till I get to 36 weeks and have this specialist blood test that can only be done at a specialist haemotology lab because it's one of those that have to be processed immediately (ie without coagulant gel in the tube). Now it's fairly likely that this test will prove I'm still fine and that home delivery is no more risky for me than hospital delivery in terms of bleeding.

BUT the jnr consultant claims that this is not okay because 'if you need a caesarian you have to know two weeks ahead to book it in' (yeah, he's not coming anywhere near me ever again don't worry)

Oh and opting out of being around at the birth is actually quite easy for us - we own the building next door (we work there) and it has a guest flat. It's where my daughter will be sleeping during the birth hopefully - away from the sound of mummy beating daddy with a chair for being a git!