Want a 2nd child but don’t want to give birth again

[Busybee1991]

Hi all, I know I want a second child but I am anxious at the thought of having to do labour again which delays me in trying for a second child. Will this ease?

My little one is almost 2 and I always wanted a gap of about 3 years between my first and second (if I’m lucky enough to have a second). So did plan on trying around now, however the thought of giving birth again makes me so nervous!

My labour with my first was about 20 hours and I was pushing for 3 hours before they had to do an episiotomy and use forceps. Forceps were the one thing I didn’t want but had no choice in the end (couldn’t use ventouse due to risks to baby). Luckily they only pulled once with the forceps before his head came out so it wasn’t a big intervention I suppose. But I did feel guilty for a while after that he needed this intervention. Also, 1 hour into pushing a midwife asked my midwife if she’d checked my bladder (I don’t think I’d urinated for a while at this point) and they had to catheterise me and emptied almost a litre from my bladder. I’ve always wondered if this contributed to me pushing for 3 hours as I was obviously tired an hour in with little progress. Because of some medical issues I wasn’t allowed an epidural. I had gas and air and pethidine, but I swear the pethidine did not help with the pain but only made me drowsy if anything.

I wouldn’t consider myself to have birth trauma as I didn’t ever feel like mine or baby’s life were in danger? I just remember being in a lot of pain and so exhausted my the end, which I know is the case for everyone. I feel a little silly as I think my labour was probably a good one compared to a lot of women. But will this worry about giving birth again go away? Could a birth debrief help?

I had a long, difficult first labour and birth ending with a forceps delivery, and much of what you have described sounds like my experience. I really struggled to process what had happened, and would spend hours each day thinking about, and researching what had gone wrong. A birth debrief with a senior midwife really helped me to stop blaming myself and obsessing over the situation. For my second birth I did a hypnobirthing course, which really helped. I also made sure that my husband completely understood in advance what I needed and wanted during labour.

My second birth, two years after the first, was a wonderful, healing experience. Completely natural, relatively quick, and was what essentially made me forget the experience I had first time round.

I had a traumatic first birth too. Super traumatic - still not over it.

I had my second baby via an elective section and would shout from the rooftops for anyone in that position to do the same.

Much better experience. Calm, (despite me crying for around six hours solid beforehand due to prior birth trauma) lovely and what I bloody deserved!!

So I don't have AS positive a story as others but I still thought it might be useful. I found my first labour and birth traumatic for lots of reasons - long labour, inadequate pain relief, didn't have 1:1 care in hospital til I was 8cm, nausea and vomiting so hadn't hardly eaten in 24hrs, had hardly slept over the 24+hrs too...2hrs pushing and ended with ventouse and episiotomy.

I did consider an elective section for #2 but I know odds were so much better for a more straightforward second birth so decided against. I did have a much shorter and therefore more manageable labour second time around and the active labour bit where I didn't have the pain relief I wanted was a lot shorter too. I knew more what to expect and what to do which helped so I felt less distressed. Unfortunately I still pushed for 2hrs and baby had to have the heart rate monitor on their scalp and that ended up with another ventouse and episiotomy which I was absolutely devastated about. I also had a terrible recovery this time due to complications with the episiotomy resulting in 3 rounds of antibiotics, extra strong pain relief, a cyst being drained, loads of back and forth to the hospital for 4 weeks etc. However even with all that horror, the second birth still didn't traumatise me like the first did. It was a shorter labour, I felt more in control and understood everything better and to be honest I just felt I had more supportive midwives second time around which is really what made the difference I think. I had one hand holding DH and the other holding the student midwife!

Hi OP,

If you have a maternal mental health service in your area you can self-refer for therapy for your birth trauma. I think this would really help.