Worried birth trauma caused SEN

[Millie2008]

My little boy is now nearly 5. He is autistic and has significant learning difficulties to the extent he needs to go to a special school.

The birth was fairly traumatic for different reasons. A long pushing stage which resulted in an emergency c-section.

When he was delivered there was a bit of a gap before he cried- I think they gave him some oxygen through a mask but not intubated or anything. Then they let me say hello before whisking him off to NICU. I found out this was because he had low oxygen in his umbilical cord blood gasses. He needed "tests" to see if there had been any brain damage.

I was put on the post-natal ward and awaited the results. The paediatric consultant came to speak to us a few hours later. He told us they'd conducted "tests" and had no concerns. If my memory serves me correctly they kept him on the NICU for a further 12 hours or so for monitoring.

I feel really stupid- I guess in my post birth haze and exhaustion (plus I had an infection) - I didn't ask what the "tests" were. I was just so relieved to hear they weren't worried. Does anyone know what these tests would have been? I've tried google but not getting anywhere. In retrospect I've realise they were checking for hypoxia to see if he needed treatment.

My biggest stress, and it's eating me up and causing me to be consumed with guilt - is whether he suffered from some mild hypoxia as indicated by the low oxygen in the umbilical cord blood gasses. And that because it was mild no treatment was indicated hence being discharged from NICU and given the "all clear" by the consultant. Would they have bothered telling me if it was only "mild" hypoxia and didn't need treatment?

So my worry is that if he did suffer mild hypoxia this has caused his learning difficulties. And if this IS the case, it's my fault. Because I really didn't want a c-section so asked for some more pushing time. The obstetrician reassured me afterwards that as the medical professional she made the decision that it was safe to carry on pushing for another 30 mins- and then when she said she wasn't happy with baby's heartbeat we went ahead with a c-section. But I still can't help thinking that if I'd gone ahead with a c-section 30 mins earlier their wouldn't have been low oxygen in the cord blood gasses and therefore no risk of hypoxia -- and no additional needs.

I love my little boy to bits and feel that I'd be completely accepting of his differences if it weren't for the fact I'm so worried I've caused them. There's no question that his life is going to be more challenging because of his additional needs and I can't stand the fact that this might be my fault.

@babysharksb1tch also not your fault. I understand blaming yourself I think we all do but you are far too hard on yourself. Hundreds of people have IVF babies, my DC1's bestie was a donor egg, arrived 10 weeks early, spent weeks in hospital after being born and she's not autistic. The nervous breakdown must have been horrendous, but you didn't choose it. I'll bet that you were trying your hardest under very difficult circumstances, and it would have sapped any strength that you had. My baby (& countless others) were breech too. It doesn't affect the baby, just the birth/makes a vaginal birth more risky. Small birthweight, again not your fault and plenty are born small - I was born small myself (probably due to my parents smoking). No-one could have foreseen the pandemic, it was incredibly difficult and you can't talk and play 24/7. You clearly care very much, which means that you must be a good mum, never mind good enough I bet you're a fantastic mum. You're doing the best you can with the resources that you have (including mental/emotional), can't ask for more x

Completely agree with all of this

Thank you all. OP, apologies I didn't intend to hijack or have people say it wasn't my fault. It was my intention that you read my post and thought, "well, duh, course none of that could have caused it" and then applied the same logic to your situation. Hope you've had a more positive day

Aw, I so recognise the guilt. Not so much around north for me but afterwards - I really go over the events that led up to DC having a regression around age 1.5-2 (eg moving abroad, lockdown, a bad sickness virus, new baby sibling)

for me the guilt is improving and I do believe that there is a genetic basis, although I also feel the regression has an ‘environmental’ aspect and that is the part I feel responsible for. It’s rubbish to feel this way, and I totally hear you re not having time for therapy!!

@CoastalWave thank you for your reply. That's reassuring actually.
In lots of ways I can see that the autism is likely inherited- as since having our son my partner has realised that he's probably autistic. So I agree with pp's who have said that autism isn't caused my a traumatic birth and is more likely genetic. It's the learning difficulty part I'm not sure about. But then of course it's hard to tease the 2 apart. In lots of ways he's textbook autistic with a "spiky profile" - ridiculously good memory; but won't develop skills in things he's not interested in - and doesn't have any physical delay (in fact very advanced physically).
I don't want to give the impression I'm disappointed in him or would change him. And I've given up work to be his advocate essentially. But I just can't stand the thought that I've made his life more difficult

@IknownothingIamfakingit - thank you 😊 yes, I also think the autism is very much part of my son and makes him who he is. I guess I just wonder whether if it hasn't been for the traumatic birth he'd be more "high functioning" autistic (like my partner likely is).

I think the ‘blaming yourself stage’ is a very normal part of coming to terms with an ASD diagnosis. I was the same for a while. I took a travel sickness pill before I relished I was pregnant and for ages I worried that had caused her ASD which I now know is just ridiculous.

I have a 4yo DD who has ASD, textbook pregnancy and birth. I also have twin DDs who are almost 2, born at 29 weeks, very traumatic delivery, born not breathing, 2lb, 6 week nicu stay, and yet they do not seem to have any kind of developmental issues at all.

Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. All you can do now is keep being the best mum to him you possibly can (which it sounds like you’re already doing so well done) xx

@thejadefish thank you for clarifying that's helpful. And thanks for the kind words 😊

@babysharksb1tch - no need to apologise at all. It's helpful for me to hear everyone's different experiences 😊

You've had some great responses already, OP, but I just thought I would add that I read expert reports about children with autism and complex/severe learning difficulties very frequently as part of my job. All of the reports describe the children's births and very few of them are in any way out of the ordinary. I also do not think for a moment that your consultant would have let you continue to push for half an hour if she'd thought it would put the baby at risk. I very much doubt that your little one has autism because you wanted to try for a bit longer.

Yes, some great responses already, and more than I can offer.

But just to add that I went STRAIGHT for the c-section (asked for it at 42 weeks in very early labour), and my son was also born with low cord gases which worried me. He seemed fine, but it was at the back of my mind that he might not be fine. He is not autistic and has a very high IQ. DC2 had a textbook birth (elective c-section, everything perfect, bang on due date) and doesn't have such a high IQ. Which proves nothing! Which is sort of my point...

If the doctors were worried about the cord gases (I think it is quite common, and sometimes the measurements are inaccurate, one doctor said to me) they would have told you then and kept him in NICU much longer. Please don't keep thinking about this. You couldn't have done anything differently and I'm sure the birth has had no effect.

My eldest was born by elective c-section. He had an agpar score of 9 when he was born. He has autism.

He has autism because it runs in the family. My husband is on the spectrum. There are lots of other people in his family who are too. They are all high functioning - lots of computer programmers and scientists. Particularly for BabyShark, it is not lack of mothering or IVF or anything you did or can do that caused this.

My son is at university with a very definite career path following the family tradition, a partner and lots of friends. I know this is not everybody's experience of autism and I am grateful for what we have.

Our second son is ADHD and I know this is from my family. I was mildly affected and my mother too. My second son was also born by elective c-section with an agpar score of 9. I understand and accept it was my genetics that caused this. I have been successful in my career and life and I expect my son will be too with a bit of extra support from his parents. He is currently at university.

@Millie2008 there's a strong genetic link with ASD. It's much much more likely that he inherited it from your partner that that it was caused by anything you did or didn't do during birth. Please don't place blame where none is due.