Please be gentle. We have decided to try for No 2, DS1 is 3 and I had a rubbish birth with him.
I'm in the process of weaning myself off the antidepressants. I'm not even pregnant yet but thought of giving birth again is making my anxiety go through the roof. In particular the feeling of being coerced into birth choices by medical staff who railroad over your preferences because they (think they) know best. I'm quite a passive person and the thought of standing up for myself against an opinionated strong willed HCP is so daunting. Especially when you're in active labour and half out of it yourself.
I was told in my birth debrief that my next pregnancy would be consultant led, but I'm thinking thats even more likely to end up down the labour ward - medicalisation - interventions - crappy birth path.
I think my biggest fear is that I'm going be unadvocated for like last time. I've never felt so infantilised, alone and unsupported as I did when I was in labour last time. The thought of giving birth in hospital is just awful.
I can see myself ending up freebirthing not out of choice but because if I notified the hospital, I'd be guilt tripped and coerced into going in there.
I like to do my homework and be as prepared as possible as it helps me feel more in control, so we did a face to face hypnobirthing course while pregnant. My first birth was 17 days late by hospital dates, 5 days late by my dates (we only DTD once that month so I knew for sure when it was!), and the later it went on, the more pushy, patronising and coercive the HCPs became. I was desperate for a natural birth so held out as long as possible.
After going back and forth for regular scans, they held me in for hours and hours and told me that they wanted to induce me that day as apparently they'd detected a drop in the foetal heartrate. I pushed for a balloon catheter rather than having a pessary as I was concerned about hyperstimulation, but for some reason they refused to offer this apart for VBACs. Instead, I agreed on the basis that I'd be able to make use of their birth pool as they assured me they had a wireless underwater monitor.
So we went back in later that day and was given the pessary. Sure enough, within an hour I was having back to back contractions because, hyperstimulated. My hypnobirthing training went out the window as I panicked and DH was so far out of his depth that he was flummoxed and basically did not much more than bringing me drinks periodically. Once my waters went and I was finally given an actual birthing room, I was told that actually they didn't have a working wireless monitor and hadnt had for a while, so a birth pool was out of the question and I was attached to the monitor, flat on my back, and wasn't allowed to move as each time I did, they temporarily lost the heartbeat.
DH retreated to the other side of the room, next to the midwife and there I laboured like a cow for hours on end. There was no interaction with the midwife apart from monitoring the vitals and no encouragement from anyone. Not a single request on my birth plan was adhered to, I had midwives shove their fingers up my foof without even asking, although I specifically said no vaginal checks unless absolutely necessary in my birthplan.
Eventually I asked for an epidural, which didn't work and finally some pethidine which gave me a couple of hours respite.
After 23 hours of labouring, 1 red alert and lots of delirium, they decided I wasn't progressing fast enough (quelle surprise, in that position) and I needed to have a C section. I was desperate and agreed. I ended up with sepsis and a 2 week hospital stay while they worked up to industrial strength antibiotics to try and get it under control. It frightened me how unable I was to advocate for myself or even move my own bodyweight during labour. I've come away traumatised and the thought of being that unempowered again has me hyperventilating and booing my eyes out.
Can you offer me any emotional or practical support?