Can't move on from CS

[loucee]

I realise it's still early days but I had a crash section 4.5 wks ago. I am really depressed about it. I am grateful they got him out and that he is here with us. I thought that would help me deal with the section but 4.5 wks on I am feeling really down about it and I don't know who to talk to about it.

Should I go to the Doctor? I fully understand the circumstances surrounding DS's birth (I wasn't in labour but had a huge pain so went to hospital at 40+6 to get checked over and the monitors showed DS's heartrate was so unstable I had a GA and they got him out immediately).
I still feel shocked, I wasn't mentally prepared for it, I am sad I couldn't see my DS for 7 hours after his arrival.

I had an assisted vaginal birth with DD 2 yrs ago.
I get really upset looking at my scar, I feel almost violated - like Aliens abducted me or something. My insides hurt when I think of the DRs rummaging to get DS out.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Does it fade with time?

I feel a failure that my body couldn't keep DS safe until he was ready to come out, what did I do wrong?

Oh my shocking typos. Sorry.

I have only skimmed through this thread. But i must say that your body is fine! you hung on to your baby for full term so you did something right. I sort of see where youre coming from.

I had an emergency section with my son who is now 7 yrs old. I had no preparation either.I was only 25 weeks pregnant! I went into labour but they managed to stop it and i stayed overnight. i packed my bags ready to go home and they noticed his heart rate was deteriorating. They told me they had to get the baby out NOW or he will die. To be honest i didnt have much time to panic but after i felt as if he wasnt mine and that he was ripped from me. He was in intensive care for a long while and came home after over 4 months. Anyway thats another story.

You honestly will look back on this time in years to come and you will look at your baby and although the memories may not be as nice as you wanted, theyll be ok because your baby will make up for all of that. Just remember that you are a lovely person and your baby loves you very much. youre the most important person in your babys life and you WILL start to feel better but you MUST give yourself time and not keep everything to yourself!

Kitstwins - your part about saying "who are you?" summed it up in a nutshell for me (just made me cry!) - I remember saying to my mum the day after "she doesn't feel like mine", whereas with DS I had the instant rush of love.

My heart goes out to you. I had a section under GA with my twins a couple of years ago and found it very hard to accept. I had desperately wanted the most natural birth possible and I had the absolute opposite. I remember friends asking me about the birth and I felt like I didn't have an active birth story - I'd just passively had the babies removed from me.

I wound myself up reading stuff on the internet about difficulties with bonding when you aren't awake for the birth and worried frantically whether I had bonded with my girls.

I think people forget that a c-section is a major operation and that GA is a powerful drug. Any other procedure than having babies and they'd keep you in hospital for a few days to rest and sleep, not look after an exhausting newborn!

So please do remember that it's still very early days in your physical and mental recovery from the operation alone let alone motherhood...

What helped me resolve my worries was a couple of things...having a few months to get to know these little strangers and realise that of course I loved them...and that the release of hormones/rush of love at birth was more a chemical reaction than the only way to start kickstart loving your child...

speaking to other mothers about what they were unhappy with about their birth experience and realising that even without a section you can often be knocked out with drugs/unaware of what's going on/that not everyone else had the most amazing and positive experience...that stopped me feeling so isolate and so bitter about not having the "perfect" birth experience..

Speaking to my community midwife about how i felt and getting her to clarify things, what had happened and why..

Bizarrely a conversation I had last week removed any last tinges of guilt and regret...I was speaking to a friend who had had an emergency C-section for her first DS and a normal vaginal delivery for her second...she said she felt more "happy and elated" after the physical high of the straightfoward vaginal delivery.But in terms of how much love and bonding feelings she felt for them, that positive feeling was exactly the same for both children.

I'm really rambling now. All I think I'm trying to say is that the bonding will be there, you will have exactly the same close relationship with your child as any other mother. Talking to a kindly midwife/doctor can really help as it helps you feel slightly more involved in your birth experience. I think many people can feel disappointed with the birth experience they have had in these days of interventions and c-sections. You will move on from these feelings and the main thing will be that your baby is here - but don't put pressure on yourself if you do feel down. You need time to feel sad about what happened and time to move on from it.

Hope you can feel better soon.

You have all my sympathy - I had an emergency section under GA with my first child, after 14 hours of labour. It still makes me cry that, when I woke up after the operation, my dh asked if I wanted to see my 'wonderful daughter' and I said no, I was too tired, I'd see her tomorrow. DH thinks that it is hilarious, as he says it doesn't matter how she was born, as long as we were both alright in the end. I think it's dreadful that that is the first thing she heard me say (although, in my defence, I was pretty out of it!). I did the birth afterthoughts thing twice at my hospital, as the first time I was too upset to finish it. The midwives were fantastic, and offered to get the surgeon and anaethetist to come and see me too.
You are still at a very early stage, it will start to feel better. Good friends were concerned about PND for me, but I don't think I was ever there - however, I did have a type of post=traumatic stress disorder (there is medical eveidence for this after traumatic birth).
Give yourself time, and don't be so hard on yourself. Have you ever read Vicki Iovine on pregnancy? As she points out, no-one gives out medals for how you give birth - there is no right way, just what has to happen. Hang in there

kitstwins & AW, yes I also felt like that aswell, DS was in SCBU for 2 days then we went home on the 3rd day so I only had the night before we came home to care for DS. Then when we were readmitted 2 days later again I was separated because he was in an incubator and I couldn't care for him for 4 days.
The whole experience made me feel like my DS belonged to the hospital and that he was on loan to me.

Poledra - yes, I def had post traumatic stress as opposed to PND - though it took me a while to realise the difference.

I felt like I should update this thread, DS is now 9 months old and time has healed a great deal for me. I still feel extremely emotional about events surrounding his birth but every time I try and broach it with the HV she is extremely dismissive and starts talking before I have finished my sentence etc. So I'm going to talk to someone else at the Doctors clinic, I don't know who but I am still quite affected by DS's entry to the world.

I hope everyone else is doing great?

Hi Loucee I have just had a quick scan of your thread I just want to say I left it 5 years after my rather unexpected cs with DS ( brief story - reduced movements at 40 week, he was found to be breech and I had no amniotic fluid, so very similarly to you I went for la la la I'm going into labor soon to ......we have to take him out this afternoon!!!).
5yrs later I am pg with my 2nd and I hadn't dealt with my 1st CS at all, I went to the hospital "birth afterthoughts" service, I felt a bit fraudulent to be honest because I didn't have a horrific birth experience last time but the midwife I was was lovley and we went through the notes and it has really helped me get my head to a better place. The previous birth is still there but I a better context than it has been for the last 5 years. So what I think I am trying to say is maybe the hospital would be a god place to start I think most hospitals offer this service, good luck H