lilimama's birth story - traumatised and need help with this one, sorry it's long.

[lilimama]

DS, Joshua born 03 Jan is asleep so stealing a few moments to write long overdue tale....will try not to make it too long. But long is what it is, far too long and I'm still trying to find a way to deal with what happenned, why and how to move beyond trauma into acceptance and healing.

Long 2 week pre labour, cramps, slowly leaking water, period pains intensifying each day all the signs. Went 4 days over due date and on NY Eve had a bloody show, and contractions which were the start of things without a doubt (was standing in supermarket at the time). Went home, having prepared for a home water birth and spent the next 15 hours timing contractions, dancing, using ball, meditating, breathing etc. Every couple of hours there was a gap in regular contractions but cx very powerful and continuous bloody show. New Years Eve celebrations going on around us I thought it was a stalled labour due to intrusions of noise, mother phoning and DP telling her I was in labour (damn) etc. CX picked up again at 0900 (still no sleep) with slamming force and MW came out, examined me and said I was only 2 cm dilated and went away again. She said was still in pre labour. DH and I spent couple of hours up with cx then went to bed. Slept for a couple of hours and awoke on other side of room with intense contractions. Got up and spent next 20 hours with contractions becoming regular. DP went to bed and I spent the night up, dozing between contractions til every 4 mins regular. Called MW, who came and confirmed established labour had begun and felt everything to be very soft inside and 5 - 6 cm dilated. by now was 02 January and hadn't had much food as lost appetite completely, had vomited a couple of times and not much sleep for two/three days. Spent further 15 hours at home labouring intensely and traversing the terrain from yelling, and groaning with cx to realising that I wanted to stay out of hospital totally exhausted I would have to find something really special in my reserves to get through the pain/exhaustion calmly. got in shower and talked to body and baby and god (no not religious but definately on the spiritual side). Spent next 9 hours contracting silently, breathing through cx and feeling able to manage pain and staying positive. got in water and dozed between cx.
The certainty that I was going to be able to birth my baby at home naturally and without pain relief was starting to evade me and I talked to independent very naturally orientated water birth specialist MW from the Ina May school (I'm in Holland) about my options. We talked for an hour and decided on hospital as she felt sure that an hour of Oxytocin drip would deliver the baby. 8 hours later at hospital, after 2 hours of being fully dilated, still dancing through contractions and using birth ball, still no pain relief (no anestheologist) I started pushing. Pushed for 2.5 hours with DP, MW and birthing stool (too exhausted to stand or squat at this point) nothing happenning. Was examined after an hour, some progress but slow. Asked to be left alone, was contracting continously, and stayed alone, praying to god to let this baby come, managed to get into deep squat but could feel that head wasn't coming. Started to lose it when DP came in and started sobbing uncontrollably, Gynaecologist came back and examined me and said some progress but head still only 2/5 engaged, would take several hours more and recommended a CS. Was a total state by this point, and DP emploring me to agree to the CS immediately. Had held off for so long as encouraged by everyone to do so and saw myself that baby was not distressed throughout the process, heart beat regular. My profession and entire life are about natural health, alignment, cranio sacral etc etc. Couldn't believe this was happening. Agreed to CS, not much choice was already half way to theatre. Gynae couldn't get baby out during CS, three people had to thump me really head on chest and abdomen (is that normal, perhaps it is) which winded me and made me vomit endlessly. Was crying so hard and DP too, though he was wonderfully supportive and my lifeline. Lovely Joshua born and I was happy and relieved and utterly delighted. He was on the breast feeding like a little monster within an hour and a half.
Have been trying to deal with all of this for the last two weeks, feeling extremely traumatised, physically, emotionally, had really desperate dark days and don't know why it all happened the way it did.

Can anyone shed any light? Lulumama, Mars? I really need to move on -still very much want more children thank god but feel like a body full of holes and trauma, no matter how positive I remain.

Love my little boy so much. It was all worth it.

But what happened and why and how do I get over this and into feeling light and happy again?

thanks

lili.
x

I agree with Mintpurple's comments.

Childbirth is very unpredictable, even in today's age and in advanced countries.

I'm impressed that you were able to breastfeed so soon after a long and difficult labour.

Enjoy your babymoon. Hope you feel better about the birth soon.

Lilimama, I so empathise with the trauma of it. I felt like I had post-traumatic shock afterwards, which feels ridiculous to say when I am known for being so rational and practical.

I had a very difficult and painful delivery with my first baby and lots of subsequent problems resulting from that delivery, both physical and undiagnosed PND. Yet, I only discovered the birth had been labelled as 'traumatic' by the hospital, when I saw a consultant to discuss how I was going to deliver my 2nd child, some 2 years later.

I don't usually use these kind of terms but there was something very validating about seeing it there in b&w, as if it had been officially recognised as bloody awful (& somewhat negligent) and not just me being a bit precious, who couldn't take the pain.

And despite what ppl said, the memory of the delivery hadn't really faded in that time and was haunting my 2nd pregnancy. But with talking it through and making very pro-active decisions about how to have the 2nd baby, it helped lay those ghosts. But what completely closed a door on it for me, was to go on and have a fantastic 2nd delivery in just the way I asked for, by a team so anxious to make up for it and give me a positive experience, it was just magical. I would almost say a pleasure!

So fwiw, do talk through with your medical carers (mw, consultant) about what happened and why. And do seek help if you feel unreasonably low - something I particularly felt in the 3-6months after my ds' birth when I really should have 'got over it' but stuggled on alone.

I am so glad that you are bonding so well with your lb and congratulations, btw, to you both.

Lilimama, you are a hero, I can't belive you solidered on for so long I was quite happy to have my legs removed after about 5 hours of labour (I can vividly remember thinking that).

I don't know why we women give ourselves such a hard time after birth, I think it has something to do with the terms the use ie failure to progress, retained placenta etc All seem to suggest that somehow we are responsible.

You did an amazing job, I wouldn't have survived so long with what you went through and you have a beautiful baby boy, with a beautiful name.

Enjoy your baby, don't worry about the birth, I felt it helped to write down everything that happened and close the book, it was the only way I could move on.

xxx

Try to remember that being a parent has bugger all to do with giving birth ,its the next 5,10,15,20,30,40 years worth of relationship you have with your new addition that counts ,your baby wont remeber a thing and after a while the horror of it all will fade and youll start thinking about having another one ! You did fantastically well but at the end of the day the fates were against you this time ,be thankful (every day) that you both came out of it relatively unscathed and enjoy what you have .

thankyou thankyou everyone for your wonderful, practical and supportive messages.

I have recovered really well and am so in love with my son it is quite unbelievable.

I'm taking myself off to see the gynae who gave me the CSection to ask some qu's and to get stitches removed. Might get some answers and if not, have decided to stop giving myself a hard time about it and go back to the birth story abnd relive it and at every bad turn, see the positive side so that I can recall the birth story with a different, happy attitude.

Have some qu's in next post for experienced MNers.

thanks again and enjoy your pregnancies and babies.

Lili had similar experience to you and spoke to the consultant who did the op (this was about 4=3 months later - he had to read the notes and prob had no idea who I was by then). Lots of things that I hadn't remembered came up and having him talk me through everything really helped. MW's were so great too. Know a consultant who told me that skinny women, like i used to be!, often have this problem, it's our build. Are you slim, small hips?
I just feel lucky as was able to bond and bf and have a right little terror of boy now and am thinking could perhaps have a go at another again.He's almost 2.
It's not what we'd planned but certainly a special birth story like yours. I think the way he made a grand entrance sums up just what he is like now! Enjoy this lovely time and it's fab you're so positive. it just gets better and you just forget the bad bits x

lili - just wanted to say that you sound like an AMAZING woman - to have laboured so long without completely losing it, and to be looking for the positives in a very difficult story. I think you should be hugely proud of yourself, and although i can understand why you are feeling really thrown by what happened, you did the very best you could have done - if your ds was transverse as lulu said then maybe it is just a good thing that you were in this country with the blessing of the facilities to deliver a baby in a safe way? I don't know, but i just wanted to encourage you and say that i think you should be hugely proud of yourself. All the best to you and your new family

Dear, poor, sore Lilimama,

This is my first posting so bear with me if I'm not quite there with all the lingo. I would LOVE to know what the planets were doing on Jan 3rd. DD Erin, PFB, born by emergency cs after what I considered to be a long labour, before I read of your Olympian efforts. My waters broke at home in my pool 14 hours in, at which point we found out baby was breech. I'd been banging the Natural Childbirth drum FOREVER, especially when I learned the horrific CS rate at our local hospital - 70%!! As soon as the ambulance was called I should have known my fate was sealed, but I insisted on attempting a natural birth; I dilated fully and they let me start pushing but said if the body did descend I'd be put in lithotomy, which I thought would be horrific as I understand that only makes things harder. They gave us very little info, just said that in 5% of cases a breech baby's head may get stuck = TRAUMA, and their advice was to have a CS. Knowing they basically advise EVERYONE to have a CS (WHY WHY WHY???) I wasn't going to take this advice seriously! We decided to take the gamble. When there was NO progress after an hour they convinced me the baby was never going to descend. As it turned out, at 9lb 4 she's big but her head is just MASSIVE (39.5 cm - apparently that's unusual), so the "slim possibility" of the head getting stuck, cord getting trapped and all sorts of oxygen-starvation-related horrors may well have applied to us. In retrospect a short family history may have suggested this outcome sooner - her father was 10lb at birth with a head so huge it split his mother's pelvis - but they never asked for any such info (WHY? Do they ever? Should they? Isn't it relevant?). This makes me regret my decision to push, and thank my lucky stars that it didn't work ...

I still cannot believe it happened to me. I'm surrounded by women who've succumbed to all manner of brutal interventions, whose birth stories left me cold. At the start of pregnancy I began researching "worst case scenarios" to try and understand WHY an intervention might be suggested. My greatest fear was not the pain of childbirth or the heartbreak of parenthood, but the prospect of being bullied by medics into actions and interventions I didn't need or want, without being equipped to argue my corner. While wiser women said, "you can NEVER know what will happen," I SWORE it wouldn't/couldn't happen to me. My absolutely determined "positive attitude" meant that I never entertained the notion of a CS. Which meant that I BADLY let myself down by not being prepared. I didn't - still don't - know why there had to be so many people in the theatre, or who the hell they all were. I didn't know that I could ask to see my baby immediately. I didn't know it was standard practice for me to be allowed to hold her first ...she was clamped, cut, scored, cleaned and handed to DH before I even saw her. I spent the first 2 weeks of her life mourning the fact that I missed those first moments. Then felt horribly guilty for doing that, so the weeping continued.

I do believe you need to try and understand what happened on a physiological level, and would support everyone else who's advised that. But I haven't found this to help with my horror at finding myself transferred from my christmas-tree-lit birthing pool in the tranquility of our home, to the horror of the operating theatre. I'm starting to get better - here's how:

1. Accepting that the surgery was NECESSARY. 20 years ago, midwives had the skill to deliver breech babies. Now they don't, because Drs prefer to do CS. I didn't have anyone to help me. (They advised me to push HARD - Sheila Kitzinger says DON'T push for a breech - RELEASE). this makes me sad and angry. But step back another 50 years ... we probably would both have died, or Erin could be badly mangled. I can spend forever wondering if, with better assistance, I could have delivered naturally. Your baby wasn't breech so you don't have that question. For some reason, things weren't moving as they should and without the surgery you may well not be with us today.

2. Accepting technological advances and appreciating the benefit. I still refer to NATURAL (not "vaginal") childbirth in preference to CS because I firmly believe that chopping a baby out of a woman is NOT NATURAL!! But neither are motor cars, or central heating, or voice recognition software, or any number of medical whatnots that make life easier (or even feasible) for some people. Without the surgery ... see above.

3. Being VERY ANGRY about the waning of skills in preference to surgery! You CAN be grateful but still wish the world was somehow set up differently. (NOT run by men?? The fact that you and I are still unsure of exactly what position our babies got themselves into, when, how, why and the best way to have dealt with that in labour, is a real disappointment; I had expected more of the gynaecological profession. (I'm told it's very difficult for a midwife to tell the difference between a head and a bum on palpating a woman's abdo - REALLY??)

4. Considering the many ill-fitting features of the natural world. I used to think, HOW can a baby be TOO BIG to come out?? How can it be in the WRONG position? Surely the goddesses ensure the compatibility of mother and baby? Then I remembered TEETH. They grow all wrong. They get stuck. We sprout too many of them. Interventions are necessary. Nature is full of inconsistencies. Often they result in painful and sad endings. I am shocked and disappointed that my body didn't work as I wanted it to - HOW did I make a breech baby? What did I do wrong? - and hope this feeling of inadequacy will fade. But we can both REALLY celebrate that we achieved full dilation. It has been explained to me that this proves our bodies were working extraodinarily well, as at only 2/5 engaged (as I think Erin also was) our babies were not exerting the downward pressure that normally aids dilation. (I'm not sure about this but it makes me feel better to believe it!)

5. Homeopathy. I'm on Arnica for pain relief and shock (physical and emotional); pulsatilla for weepiness and moodiness; Staphisagria for RESENTMENT and anger - and loads of other stuff for the infection in my incision (nice parting shot from the hospital!). Being able to refuse painkillers, antibiotics and other trappings of the medical world, instead supporting my body to look after itself, is helping to re-assert my worldview and my faith in my physical being.

I don't feel that I gave birth to Erin. But I do feel that I MADE her, and she's so beautiful, and I'm incredibly proud. Like your DS she showed no distress at all throughout the whole adventure. Obviously she and Joshua had faith in the world, and the process, and their mothers - let's try to take a leaf from their book, and be accepting of what we can't change, and courageous about what we can.

Much sympathy and friendship Lili. xxx

lili

I have no answers as to why your birth went like it did but what I do want to say is that you did absolutely brillaintly and you should be very very proud of yourself.

To be in labour for as long as you were, push for as long as you did and still remain focused and calm is fantastic.

I hope you get some answers and come to terms with the way things were.

Congratulations

Sorry to hear your story. I had my DS almost 3 years ago with a similar story (though not as long or traumatic). I had planned a hospital birth as it was my first but wanted little or no intervention. My views were opened up a bit my a trainee midwife who was present at my hospital check up (as I was a week overdue). She made the point that the 'how' is not the key thing, what's most important is that Mum and baby are OK.

My actual labour was pretty much the opposite of my birth plan and I was in intensive care for 3 days after the c-section. I thought that I would never have anymore children (my father also had a stroke when I was 35 wks PG and died when DS was 5wks old).

As others have said, time is a great healer. I believe that the medical staff did a great job (though I know this may not always be true).

I am now able to consider having more children (in fact I quite quickly reached this point). You may need to get some help,or you may get there alone, but you will come to terms with this and you will feel better.

I would also like to say that I never felt that I had failed - quite the reverse, I had a beautiful, healthly, strong, fantastic little boy and I felt very proud.

fantastic post mazzeltov

mazzeltow- great posting! I am amazed at your common sense! Hope your post i's going to help other women!

Please be gentle on yourself. I also had a long labour - 48 hours which didn't go as planned (home birth with independent midwives - but had to transfer in for forceps delivery). Medical team in hospital completely spooked by my long second stage (probably over 4 hours - yours is the only other one I've heard of that comes close).

Time has helped. 9 months on and with a crawling little son with his hands in everything - the trauma of the birth and post-birth recovery (as that was worse) feels a lot more different.Still not sure why he didn't want to come out with more persuasion - I suspect his position had a lot to do with it. After he arrived, he spend the 1st few days asleep with his body twisted (head on one side, sucking thumb, bum twisted round). I spent months after the birth thinking it through (even though at times I wanted to forget about it ).

I also celebrate how far I got in labour and how I coped until that point. Mazzeltov's celebration of full dilation is one I agree with (and desperately hope and pray that this will make a 2nd birth easier).

You did an amazing job to give him the best start to his life - and you still are. I haven't been half as eloquent as I wanted to be but your birth experience struck a chord with me.