If you had a bad experience 1st time round, what will/did you do to try and make the 2nd time different?

[soppy]

I had a catalogue of disasters and am probably going to hire a private midwife and try to do it at home next time. Not sure if this will help me manage my fear though. I really want nothing to remind me of the first time - even when I talk about it 10 months on I sometimes start to shake. (Why I'm already planning to do it again is a mystery!)

Any tips?

I am in London ragtaggle - details please! CAT me if you prefer

Hypnotherapy.

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ragtaggle: TWO AND A HALF THOUSAND POUNDS!!

Wow, I didn't realise they were so much. I'd love to try that route but would prefer nicer carpets in the extension (am so shallow).

Thanks for your story though Ragtaggle, sounds bloody marvellous!

A private midwife (have you thought about a doula?) is a good idea for the birth but it does sound like you need to 'sort out' your fear from your first birth first. Do try and talk it over with someone. The Birth Crisis Network sounds good.

I had a rough time with my first and had an elective c-section the second time (due to physical reasons rather than fear). But that wasn't the answer either and I definitely haven't resolved the issue. Whenever I see threads like this I keep making a note to contact someone before I get pregnant with number 3.

You're right Gem13 - am now looking into that too, definitely

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Blimey, soppy, that sounds awful.

A doula is MUCH cheaper than an independent midwife - mine charged £300. A doula will spend as much time with you as you need before the birth, to discuss all your worries and concerns and work out a birth plan that suits you. She will be there for you during the birth, whether you are at home or in hospital, and she can act as an "advocate" on your behalf if the midwives/obstetricians try to railroad you into anything you're not happy with, as well as supporting you through the pain of contractions and delivery obviously. I only wish that I'd had a doula for labours 1 & 2 as well as no. 3!

As I am sure you know, second and subsequent labours do tend to be quicker and somewhat easier than first labours.

Good luck, I really hope that you can find some way of working through your dreadful experience.

I didn't realise how badly my first birthing had affected me until I was most of the way through my second pregnancy. While the experience had upset me a lot and left me with lasting physical problems, I had thought that I had got over it and was astonished at the anger that was bubbling up in me and the fear of labour that was begining to grow. I had a long talk (over two hours) with the Liaison Midwife at my hospital. We went through my notes in great detail, discussed what had happened and how I could influence things this time around. She was an excellent listener, and gave me some very good suggestions for the forthcoming labour. Also, and very importantly, she effectively gave me permission to say "No": primarily to refuse to be cared for by a particular midwife.

It's good that they acknowledged the problems and that you feel that you have 'drawn a line under it' but I think that the fact that you are bothered by it now, and still distressed by it, means that it's not really been completely dealt with. It sounds like they did something about it, but not really you. It's still there in your head and heart, and you need to evict it.

By the way, having a good birth after a bad puts a lot of bad memories to bed, and feels wonderful .

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soppy - Don't understand how to do links. But my midwives website is www.homebirths.net One of the midwives, Laura, had a baby about three months ago so I'm not sure whether she's 'back at work' yet. (Inverted commas because it must be a real busmans holiday if she isn't)

I don't know when you are due but give her a ring and I'm sure she'll at least tell you how to find Jane, her partner. Good Luck.

Thanks everyone, some really positive stuff here.

1st time round, planned homebirth with independent midwife. Reality struck after 24 hours in active labour at home, and ended up with emergency CS.

2nd time round, elective CS.

I know a lot of people who went for VBAC with their 2nd, and I spent a long time talking to them about it. Several ended up with another emergency CS anyway, but the ones who had succeeded with their VBACs told me they'd have had an elective CS if they'd known how many stitches etc they were going to end up with. They felt very good about having achieved a natural birth, but a few months later they were just more concerned about whether their bits and bobs would ever end up back in the right place.

I think for some people natural birth is more important than for others. Me, I was just really pleased to be able to be conscious when DD came along 7 months ago, and found it a much more enjoyable experience than the shock of DS's arrival.

lulupops.... can I say that I attended 4 successful VBACs this year (and 2 last year) (as a birth doula) and only one had (a few) stitches.... it doesn't have to be that way

imho..wont be doing THAT again!!!!!

I know VBAC doesn;t have to be negative - in fact I'd encourage anyone to whom it was really important to try it. However, from the experience of the people I know, given it's too late AFTER the fact to say "It didn't have to be so bad/painful/traumatic", they'd probably rather spare themselves the experience.

To all those who've had a good VBAC experience though, well done!

Think a lot also depends on the reason you had a CS the first time round. My best friend had CS for breech the first time, and a very successful VBAC the 2nd (she was induced and gave birth 3 hours later with no pain relief and only a few stitches - I cut the cord ), but even she says if she's known what would happen to the geography of her nether regions, she wouldn't have done it. Went to her GP when the baby was 6 months and asked when things would return to normal, and he smilingly told her "Never. But there is a little surgical procedure you can have (not on the NHS) to tighten things up a bit if you like". Lovely!

Hi soppy,

you're on the right track if you're thinking of a private mid-wife. I had a horrible time first time round and was determined not to go back to hospital. My GP was totally unsympathetic and told me she wanted nothing to do with a homebirth so, after tears and many dilemmas I went private. Best thing I could have done. the important thing for me was having someone do all my ante-natal checks who had time to listen to me, bet to know me, find out what was so horrible about the first time - and all the time KNOWING that this was the person who was going to attend my birth. That was the best reassurance I could have had. Are you in London? if so I would recommend looking at the Birth Centre in Tooting - this was who I used. It is expensive but the system is so good: they allocate you one lead midwife and one back-up - so you know them both. You can decide to have the baby in hospital, at the Birth Centre (a small converted house, with birthing pools, dh can stay, facilities to make yourself some food, a sitting room, small garden)or at your own home - and the best thing is - if you don;t wnt to you don;t have to make your mind up until the time. The midwife comes to your house when you go into labour and you can take it from there. I realy sympathise with your fears but having your own midwife will really help. good luck