C section alone - please help me to reframe this

[Birthingalone]

I’ve NC as this feels quite ‘outing’ but I’m a regular user.

For medical reasons I’ve had to book a c section for Monday. This is definitely the right decision as baby is enormous (no idea why) and I am quite petite. Giving birth to my first child was very fast and I had a third degree tear. So with all those factors combined I’ve been advised that I’m at a higher risk of labour ending in EMCS or significant tearing again (and the potential longer term implications of this). They would also want to induce me asap (if not having a section) due to baby’s size and I definitely do not want another induction. I’ve made the decision to have an ELCS with a heavy heart as I’m frightened about the operation, worried about why my baby is so big and whether something could be wrong with them or if I’ve caused this somehow. I’m also disappointed not to have the opportunity to try for a more empowering birth experience second time around (ridiculous, I know), and worried about the recovery and what my body will look like after.

Stupidly, I’ve managed to catch covid right at the end of my pregnancy. I’m currently isolating from my DH and 2yo DC to try and avoid them catching it, so missing out on having special time with them just before we welcome our newest family member. It’s breaking my heart to be away from my child and I’m worried about them feeling rejected and then mummy comes home with another baby. I can’t imagine how that will feel for them.

I am now on day five and still symptomatic and testing (very) positive. I’ve spoken to the hospital and I’ve been told that if I haven’t tested negative by Sunday I have to have the c section alone, which has basically been my biggest fear throughout the pregnancy.

DH can come to visit us after the birth but once he leaves (to care for DC1) he can’t come back in, so if I have to stay in then I will be on my own again until I’m discharged. With my first child I was in for a few days due to feeding issues with DH there for support but not staying overnight. I found being in hospital really hard, and that was with support. I don’t know how it’ll work trying to pick up my baby by myself after an ELCS etc.

I am feeling really sad about how this has all panned out, and I am allowing myself to wallow this morning. But I know that women go through far worse than this to bring their children into the world safely and I need to be strong for my children. I need to dig deep and find a way to feel more positive about this situation. I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom, tips or advice, or any positive experiences of giving birth alone during the pandemic or anything?

Thank you in advance

Well, that post was longer than expected! Thank you to anyone who managed to read until the end.

Is there any way you can move the c-section by a couple of days?

Well firstly, you ARE having an empowering birth experience. You have chosen the birth that is most suitable for you and your family and that is brilliant.

Secondly, most straight forward c sections aren’t as bad to recover from as people say. You’ll be in hospital less long than being induced and so that’s great too if you need to be away from husband.

Thirdly, you might be negative by then anyway. Bit of anecdotal for you: my husband had a thick dark LFT line and then the next day it was feint and then the next day gone.

Fourthly, even if you do have to give birth alone, I found the surgeon, anaesthetist and people were soooo nice! And you’ll be all done in less than an hour.

Oh poor you that's rubbish. I had one last year. We didn't have covid, but DH was only allowed at the birth, stayed for an hour then once left he wasn't allowed back. I was a bit upset the next day when they said he could visit, but luckily I was discharged after 24 hours.
Just concentrate on getting up and about, they will want to discharge you as soon as possible. The staff will help through the night as you'll be immobile. Hopefully you won't have any feeding issues, but if you do take all the help and just remember it's not for long. Good luck x

I’m so so sorry. I can’t offer much reassurance about the covid elements (although it’s a great suggestion to ask if you have any flexibility on dates to clear your 10 day window).

But I just wanted to say that my first c section was a very calm and supportive experience. And although I would have been sad not to have DH there, I didn’t really lean on him heavily, there was a midwife with me in theatre, the anaesthetist was lovely and chatty (and funny), the team around me were relaxed and I don’t remember feeling like it was just DH and I on our own (like I did with labouring, barely saw a midwife). I guess the hardest bit will be waiting to go in, could you have DH on FaceTime for that bit? I really hope the hospital will give you a bit more attention and support than mums with partners and visitors but I guess it will depend on midwife availability sadly.

Sorry if that’s not very reassuring but I just wanted to try and ease your anxiety about the actual bit in theatre. It really wasn’t scary, and I’d go in for a planned c section in a heartbeat if I had any more children.

I get how sad you feel about ‘losing’ the last couple of days with DC1. I remember feeling wretched because my last breakfast with DC1 before going into have DC2 was awful. She was 3, I got up early with her, she had tantrums, I shouted at her. I felt horrible. Once I was home again with the baby I just made sure I had lots of 1:1 time and cuddles with her. DH helped a lot with that by taking baby and giving us time together around feeding. So I guess making the most of those last couple of days when you are heavily pregnant and they are unsettled due to impending change and everyone feeling a bit uncertain doesn’t always work out anyway!

However it all pans out, very best wishes and remember this is one stage in a very long parenting journey

Agree with @Teaforme123. I had one last year under similar circumstances. I was in for 26hrs then went home. Surgical team were lovely, far more friendly and 'casual' than AN other surgery.
You can hold your baby fine afterwards in bed (might need the nurse to transfer your baby from the crib to you) and recovery is much smoother than what you might read. I was still feeling gentle but was walking fine and picking my baby up from day 3 by myself. Good luck and I hope you turn negative in time!

It gets easy once it’s been hard. Hold on in there, one day this will be a distant memory and your children will not remember it either! Good luck! X

Thank you so much everyone for the support and advice. I do remember that there is so much focus on the birth when you have a baby but it’s really only a tiny part of it.

It’s encouraging to hear that it might be possible to test negative in time. I’m still symptomatic but not very ill. I’m trying to rest and eat well (DH is a great cook and is keeping me well fed) to recover quicker, though of course I am sleeping really badly.

It’s a good point that my little one doesn’t know the significance of what’s about to happen so my idea of special time together before I have the baby wouldn’t necessarily pan out that way!

Another aspect of the ‘aloneness’ of it all is that when I go into the hospital I get really bad reception and it’s very rare that I can access the wifi. I don’t know why. Depending on where I am I can sometimes message my DH but often I have to wait until I get to a part of the hospital where I get enough reception to contact him. I doubt video calls will be possible. But it’s also a helpful reminder to go in with lots of podcasts, something to watch and a book, as I realise I could be waiting a while.

My due date is very soon so I don’t know about putting back my section date. I could ask when I go in for pre op though if I’m not negative then. That’s a good shout. I got the impression that they were putting it further back than they’d like to try and give me time to overcome the covid as it was, due to the higher risk of giving birth with covid. But maybe they’d be willing to put it back further if I’m still positive and no signs of baby going anywhere.

Btw I was totally terrified of having a c section. Scared about the spinal block, scared about the process and just the whole thing. It was MUCH less scary than I imagined. Not the build up coz I was scared then and couldn’t stop crying, but once they put the spinal block in onwards. Spinal block wasn’t bad at all. They put a local anaesthetic in so it didn’t hurt any more than a normal injection. Just a tiny prick. Then the actual section was super calm. Quiet, gentle talking. Anaesthetist is right there by your head keeping an eye on everything. And you can’t actually see anything else coz of the blue curtain. Then before you know it it’s done and you have a baby!

Is your 2 year old ECV? If not, go hug them.

I had mine alone OP, under general anesthetic as they were predicting major blood loss and a hysterectomy. Obviously not ideal but I coped, and so will you

I had my first two babies by c-section and as their dad had exited the picture while I was pregnant (yes he left me pregnant twice), I went through them alone. DD1 was an elective section, DS was an emergency one, but the experiences were both very positive for me.

My advice would be to chat to everyone, the theatre staff are usually so friendly and calm - mine certainly were! They had me giggling, they put the radio on. They were absolutely lovely. I didn't feel alone at all. And once my babies were born, I was too busy gazing at them while they were stitching me up to feel sad about being on my own.

@Beachsidesunset

No, not ECV. I’ve decided to isolate from them both because we desperately want them both to stay negative - partly so that DH can at least visit me (he’s not allowed in at all if positive) and partly for childcare as if we can’t get childcare then, again, he won’t be able to visit. At any other point I wouldn’t even consider isolating from my child - it feels completely unnatural and cruel. Maybe it’s unfair to do it anyway. It feels horrible

@Missmonkeypenny @VampireMoney thanks for sharing your experiences of doing it by yourselves. It’s really encouraging to hear that you look back on the experience positively. I worry I’ll just find it really distressing and see my child’s birth negatively. Despite not having a great time of it the first time, I do feel overall positive about the birth. I wanted go into it feeling optimistic and excited rather than how I’m feeling now which is ‘this is my worst nightmare’. I’m trying to think it means I get them all to myself at first, just the two of us against the world.

I’m trying to think it means I get them all to myself at first, just the two of us against the world.

Exactly that. And they will put you at so much ease you won't feel as alone as you imagine. Obviously it's not the same as having your DH there, but the experience itself doesn't need to be a negative one because of that. It's disappointing, of course, it's not what you had in mind!

When I went into labour with DS I had my birth plan all figured out, I wanted this and that. I knew I'd be labouring alone but I was trying to keep as much control as possible to keep the experience a positive one, and I ended up with an emergency c-section! It would've been so easy to feel negative about the birth experience but the very fact he was there in my arms safe and sound .. it was impossible to feel negative about it.

I had my c-section 7wks ago and from what I remember, my DP being there had little impact for the actual procedure. It was nice having him there to complain to as they had us waiting from early morning but we were the last to go in.
The anaesthetist was leaning over my face the whole time keeping me talking and my partner was sat behind my right shoulder but kept having to move around so various people could get in/out. There was music on and the doctors were singing, dancing and asking me the odd question so there wasn't any real time for it being a special moment with my DP.
As soon as the baby was out (nowhere near the predicted 10+lb) my DP was taken to cut the cord etc. baby was then put upside down on my shoulder which I thought was weird. The only role my DP was needed for was to hold the baby while I was moved to a bed to be wheeled back. We were told partners could only stay until we were wheeled back to the recovery ward so for us that was very little time with me being the last one in - others had been in there a few hours.

I was let out 24hrs afterwards (supposedly high risk) and didn't see my partner much as the visiting hours were strange and we have a 2yo.

My first birth was traumatic and my DP was there 4 days with me in labour and for the full 24hrs after the birth. I was TERRIFIED of giving birth alone the second time. But honestly, it wouldn't have mattered much as he was allowed so little time with me anyway due to the Covid rules.

Thanks @PissedOffNeighbour22. I’m glad you had a positive experience this time. If you don’t mind me asking, how did they pick up on your baby looking big? Is that why you had a c section? How did you feel when the measurements were wrong? I have wondered if they could have gotten this wrong and whilst I couldn’t do anything about it/it wouldn’t be anyone’s fault I’d be pretty upset to have been cut open for nothing.

@Birthingalone He was assumed to be big early on. He was outside of the graph for the majority of the scans (I had regular scans as I'm high risk).
At every scan I was asked if both had the same dad and first baby's weight queried due to the huge difference. They didn't say much but everyone looked quite worried and there were a lot of comments about him being huge. It wasn't until a few days before I had him that anyone told me how big they expected him to be. The predicted current weight was 10lb and I had 2wks to go at that point.

They didn't seem concerned about me giving birth to a huge baby and they refused me a c-section when I requested one due to my previous horror show of a birth. He was unstable lie and changed position constantly between breech and transverse for the last month or so and I was referred to another consultant after a complaint. She agreed my c-section and I ended up being taken in early due to a risk of cord prolapse from his position.

When he was taken out he looked absolutely massive, even bigger than I was expecting. But there was huge disappointment from everyone in the room when he actually weighed in at 8lb 6oz. I was surprised there was so much of a difference between the projected and actual weights. I was relieved the size was wrong as I thought I might have had undiagnosed gestational diabetes or that he had some sort of undiagnosed condition.

If I'd had a normal first birth and then had to have a c-section due to weight only, I'd have been really pissed off. But I was just glad to not relive the trauma of the first one again.

They did try to persuade me on the day to go home and try for a normal birth but I refused as he was still regularly moving in and out of breech. He was born with the cord round his neck which I only found out from my records afterwards, so I'm glad I stuck to my guns and very grateful that a midwife stayed after her shift to replace a member of staff who left early meaning my c-section was going to be cancelled at the last minute.

He's almost 8wks now and he's 10lb 10oz. It took my daughter around 6mths to get to that size!

I had my 2nd planned c-section alone. DP didn't believe I was in labour so I got on the bus on new year's day alone to the hospital.

I couldn't call any family due to being low/no contact.

My midwife recommended I continue with a natural birth. I did. Alone. It was wonderful. I had nobody around me to worry about. It was completely stress free. I could see the monitor and prepare for my contractions with nobody bothering me.
DS2's heartbeat couldn't be found after a while so I was rushed into surgery. DP got there the moment DS2 was born. He saw him before I did. I had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic.

It was an extremely comforting yet sad experience.

This probably won't help.

Sorry.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 wow that’s absolutely shocking. I can’t believe you were encouraged to try for a vaginal delivery with a presumed-to-be huge, breech baby! That must have been so stressful for you. I’m sorry you went through all that. A breech baby in itself is enough reason to recommend a section, surely?! Not to ‘allow’ one. Christ. No wonder maternity services are in such a state.

@Nomorechange I’m sorry that your DP treated you like that

@Birthingalone I don't think they'd read the notes at all as they seemed to think there was no reason for the c-section other than I couldn't be bothered to push. While I was being stitched up I was told there would be no reason for me to have a c-section next time. Even when I said there wouldn't be any more babies he reiterated there's no reason for me to have a c-section again.

Hope you're getting better. Any sign of a negative test yet? Fingers crossed for you.

Good luck for tomorrow, OP! Hope you get some sleep tonight

@Beachsidesunset thank you so much. Been up since 4am but I’ve decided to embrace it and I’m just having a few quiet moments with my baby before it’s all go.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 that is so horrible, I’m really sorry you went through that. Compassion is the absolute minimum you’d expect, isn’t it.

Just thinking that hopefully my baby will be in my arms in a few hours’ time and the birth will already be a memory. Feeling a lot more positive today.

Best of luck @Birthingalone

It's a tough place to be in 💐 and you're right to think of holding your baby very soon!

Hope today goes as stress free as possible.