I'd like a doula but there are none available when I'm due within 70 miles

[whomovedmychocolate]

Why are all the doulas who aren't on sodding holiday in July already booked? Surely people can't be booking them pre-pregnancy???

What do I do? Help!

I live up in North Oxfordshire, which is an added complication. I live basically up near the Chipping Norton maternity unit and quite close to Banbury's Horton (hell on earth) hospital. However neither of them consider me a suitable candidate and want me to go to the JR because I was under silver star last time - the baby wasn't, I was

I give up, I'll just have to wait and see if Pruni's lady comes back to me or have another think.

DH said tonight 'well I think it's silly thinking about it because in all likelihood you'll end up with a scheduled caesarian'

I told him if he didn't have any faith in me he could bloody well stay at home and I'd have the baby on my own [frosty silences all through the house followed]

It's not entirely his fault, his first wife died and he's terrified he'll lose me. Plus he thought I was going to die first time round. Also one of his best friends lost their wife during the birth of their fourth child so he's a tad jumpy on the subject.

Still v cross with him though. So you can see why it's important I find someone I can rely on during labour.

The cat is still looking like a good prospect.

WMMC your poor dh - but you do need him to be a bit more trusting of your body, don't you? What happened at your first birth? (If you don't mind me asking...in a general sort of way.)
If you are keen, I can give you the contact details of an Oxford IM - she is truly truly lovely and very skilled. It would be £££ - four or five times the price of a doula - but IMO she would be worth it, I am thinking of your DH here too.

Pruni - I've been looking at IM as well but I want to talk to the consultant first, see what my odds are of getting anything close to what I want.

Okay last time, there was a bit of an argument on dates. I knew when I conceived because frankly sex was such a rare event I wrote it down. Now I know these things can be ten days out and sperm are resilient little buggers but I got to the point that by my calculations my baby had been onboard one day shy of 44 weeks.

So quite crossly I wrote down a list of reasons why this was the case and why I was demanding they started taking it a bit more seriously and went to the consultant and they said 'ooh your blood pressure is very high' (no shit sherlock).

I had +++ protein and so the consultant said they'd have to admit me - but wanted to transfer me - well actually wanted me to drive myself - to the Silver Star Unit at the JR because I was 'complicated' (I'm not, I have a VSD that's all, I run so it's clearly not lifethreatening!)

Anyway, we checked in that afternoon and they were too busy to do much so left us in a lounge in the delivery suite and at this point I started having contractions, not painful really but definitely there every few minutes. Unfortunately I then developed one hell of a headache and (we had been left on our own for three hours at this point), I rang the buzzer for the midwives and everyone went into panic stations and took me straight into a delivery room and gave me the 'this baby needs to come out now'.

I talked them into giving me two paracetamols and turning the lights off and they agreed to do this while getting the consultant.

To cut a long story short, my cervix was unreachable for pessaries, so they started a syntocin drip and doubled it every half hour. The consultants (three of them) all tried ARM and failed because my cervix was closed and because it was blardy painful and I kicked them in the face (still quite proud of that I'm afraid - they didn't ask my permission you see).

They also said: 'you need an epidural'. I said I'd wait an hour and see.

Eventually they did it break my waters - they were still giving me chapter and verse about the baby coming quickly because I had pre-eclampsia and stupidly I believed them. So five hours in I was having contractions every minute for 45 seconds at only 2cm dilated and I said 'okay epidural now please'.

Only to be told they couldn't give me one because I have a blood clotting issue (or I did historically) and until they had a quorum of experts the next morning they couldn't risk it.

Then they doubled the syntocin. By this point I had been awake 48 hours with worry about going to see the consultant and frankly I was exhausted.

Various midwives came and went. Eventually the day shift arrived, took one look at me (4 cm) and said 'you need a caesarian dear'.

I was past arguing and the section was actually really nice and I was up and about two hours later.

Afterward I met up with a senior midwife and she convinced me that I would never have given birth vaginally because I have a narrow pelvis - bollocks if you ask me. My gut feeling is the syntocin just didn't work for me. The pill has never worked for me either. I guess I'm just like that with artificial hormones.

So DH thinks: (1) next time it'll be just as painful
(2) I'll end up having a section anyway.
(3) He'd quite like to know when are where things are going to happen so he can organise things

I think:

(1) If I am allowed to have the baby my way with everyone else backing off and letting me get on with it, I'll be fine
(2) It will be hard work but I can do it
(3) Sod what everyone else thinks.

Oh and I forgot to mention, five days after having DD - my liver starting going wrong and I was kept in for nine days in total and not signed off properly for a month.

do you thikn your DH needs to let go of some demons and some terrible memories before you emabrk on this next birth?

did you have a MRI scan to chekc the size of your pelvis? was it assessed at all, there are ways of doing so manually?

Lulu - erm no I think they were more concerned I was likely to sue them for malpractice TBH so fobbed me off.

DH has many terrible memories, his first wife died of non specific primary cancer, over the course of two months she went from fit young woman to a skeleton (literally). I doubt he's going to get over his fears about my health in his lifetime let alone the next seven months

I know about pelvemetry (is that the right word) from that lovely Gaskin book) but I honestly think they are barking up the wrong tree here - I have twelve inches difference between my waist and pelvis. My hipbones stick out at the front and it would be obvious to anyone that I have what are called 'child bearing hips'. I'm even hypermobile so my joints helpfully dislocate under pressure!

I also found out this week that my friend who received 3rd degree tearing from shoulder dystocia was also told she was too small to deliver - they left her baby with the head out for ten minutes while they debated what to do. No, pop over on all fours to make your pelvis wider. Instead 'let's run and find all the consultants to have a good stare and see what they make of it'.

am so very sorry , that must have been dreadful.
you are right to look for extra support for the birth in the face of that..especially as you have a good strong idea of what you want this time.

the more you are telling about the birth,the more it seems like you could have had a more positive experience with some slightly more attentive care. and your poor friend too.

Yes, the maternity services round here leave something to be desired - except at Chippy which is a midwife unit and lovely but they can't accept me - although I might still try and persuade them. Wanted to go there last time. There you do get one on one midwifery care and they have a breastfeeding centre of excellence award. No drugs but wasn't planning to have them so might be a good choice.