FTM and I'm terrified

[ccbt98]

Hi everyone

I've just found out I'm pregnant and we're still really early days so just deciding if we really want to go through with it. My OH is supportive either way but there is something holding me back from fully committing at the moment.

I think one of the only things holding me back is childbirth. I'm 23 (will be 24 at birth) and I've never really been in excruciating pain before.

Does anyone have any tips of how to help me overcome this?

Don't base your choice on your fear of childbirth.

I had an epidural only because I was so scared from hearing all those horror stories. Up to that point I was managing the contractions quite well tbh. And it really wasn't the worst pain that I had ever been in. It was painful, yes, but not horrible as described to me. I also found the needle of the epidural going in less painful than when they need to draw blood from your arm. My labour ended in a c section so I don't know about pushing but I really was fine with my epidural. It actually didn't work totally, I could still vaguely feel contractions on my right side but the pain was way less than my normal period. And my periods are pretty normal.

Looking back I really wish I wasn't so scared. I would have enjoyed the process of birth if I wasn't scared.

I later talked to my friends about it and one (mum of three) said she never commented on horror birth stories because she couldn't relate at all. She found her 3 home births (without pain killers) amazing. My other friend with two children (hospital born but both within 30 minutes of arriving at said hospital) also had good births. So I think that the horror stories are talked about often but nobody listens to the women who say that actually, it was all fine.

Also, some women looove telling martyr stories about 168 hours of hard labour but they were so brave to do it natural because they're so great and everyone should do the same and they feel they should be applauded for it. It's all bullshit. If you're having a hard time physically OR mentally just use pain relief. Nobody later cares how you had your kid.

Agree with @mayblossominapril by the end you just feel pumped and ready for it at any time.

Labour is completely unpredictable, it varies so much for everyone. I had a very traumatic birth last year and I'm now ttc number 2!

Take all the pain relief you're offered if you want to. No one wins a prize for refusing an epidural.

I have a friend who was so terrified of childbirth that she swore she would never have kids. She ended up having her baby at home with barely any pain relief! Think it was more the fear of medicalisation for her and actually, when the time came, she was totally fine.

Or go for the drugs! But they aren't for everyone either.

Epidural sounds scarier than it actually is. You can easily start imagining things and freak yourself out but the reality is tame.

I am fairly confident I didn't see any of the needles involved and they used local anaesthetic first so after that all you feel is pressure not pain. (I don't think giant needles were involved but if they were I was blissfully unaware.)

My epidural was a really positive experience - and I say that as someone who was really scared at the idea of what it involved because I'd built it up in my head into more than it really was. Reality was fine.

Epidural. I don't even know what a contraction feels like and I have 2 kids 😄

@Snoods I am sure that's exactly how I'll feel at the time 😅

@NeverTheHootenanny that's great. Thank you 🥰

@EL1984 oh that's great. I've heard great things about hypnotherapy So I'll definitely be going down that route! Gosh your birth sounds like a dream! Hope it's the same for me 🤩

@wombatspoopcubes
Thanks for being so honest, it's made me feel much better! We have decided to go through with it (eek!!) so I'm so excited and feel so much better after reading these comments. 🥰

@Chanel05
Haha yeah that's true! I'll definitely be taking advantage!

@PenelopeVonDelius yeah that's what it is for me I think! Thank you 😘

@lololololollll @ftw163532 you have both made me feel much better about an epidural anyway😅 thank you xx

Have an open mind and remember - it’s ‘good’ pain, if that makes sense!
Had an epidural with my first, was great. Didn’t have time for one with my second but that was ok as it was progressing quickly and was only really painful for the last 20 min before pushing, which I didn’t find painful at all, just really weird!

Hi OP
I'm 24 and have just given birth to my first baby. Like you I was totally terrified and personally found the idea of a c section or an epidural the scariest thing.

First off I would advise not to seriously think about birth until 34 weeks ish as that's a hell of a long time to stress yourself out about it! At that point I started to educate myself a bit more about what to expect, and joined lots of Facebook / Instagram accounts such as the positive birth company.

Secondly don't listen to any horror stories! Towards the end I started listening to hundreds of podcasts called positive birth stories where woman talk about their positive experiences. It was great to listen to all different kinds of births and actually started to get me excited!

Thirdly I started my maternity leave at 36 weeks (and went 2 weeks over due) so I had plenty of time to relax and sleep and just do my own thing. I think this really helped me to have a positive experience as I was so chilled out and had time to get everything ready and just enjoyed time to myself walking for hours and hours.

As it happens I had a fantastic birth and didn't require any pain relief as adrenaline just took over. The midwife said that in her experience younger mums do tend to have more straight forward / easier births so you have that in your favour! I did have a second degree tear which needed stitches but they numb the area and I was hammering the gas and air which I didn't have in labour so felt high as I kite which made it such a surreal / funny experience! I honestly really enjoyed my birth and would happily do it again over 9 months pregnancy!

The worst part is not knowing what will happen and there's nothing you can do about that so just try to enjoy your pregnancy and don't stress about the birth until the time comes! I was so worried and stressed about it in the beginning and there was no need. Good luck! X

I'm a weirdo who enjoyed the pushing stage. I'd take labour over pregnancy anyday. It's mind-blowing in a good way. I had two straightforward deliveries, not everybody has horror stories honestly x

Have you looked at the positive birthing company? This helped me

There is a lady I follow on fb and insta called Lucyflow_yogabirth I also follow Sara Wickham, she's written several books about birth. I also follow Kemibirthjoyjohnson I highly recommend of them

You need to educate yourself so you can make informed choices throughout. Now that I've had a baby, I am not afraid of birth AT ALL. Im afraid of the system we are expected to birth in at the moment.

So my advice is educate yourself, empower yourself with Hypnobirthing and trust your gut. What you think and how you feel is more important than what anyone else is thinking or feeling when it comes to you and your birth. Don't listen to everyone else's horror stories, people told me some really horrendous things when I was pregnant.

I had my baby at home, I made the choice to have no drugs because that suited me, I used a birthing pool which I recommend 10000%

Have faith in yourself and your body but also give yourself a good experience by taking this time to learn so you can make choices that suit you.

@Afreshstart2021 oh wow! Deffo going to have to keep thinking "good pain" haha

@hilseg oh wow thank you for this comment, it's honestly has made me feel so much better.

We have decided to keep it so all going well with the scan and all I don't think I'll think about birth yet! Booked and early scan and I'm more nervous for that now 😅
Best of luck with your newborn 🥰 xxxx

@Alyssasbackrolls first off, love your username 🤣 also, you sound crazy, can you swap places with me and do it for me? Haha! Thank you for your comment, I'm so glad everyone is positive on here I honestly feel so much better! Xxx

@RedRobyn2021 oh thank you so much! Already followed lol! Will deffo not listen to the horror stories, don't want to add to my anxiety 🤣 thank you darling xxx

I genuinely wouldn't describe labour and birth as 'excruciating pain'. And the thing to remember is that even if you do find it intolerable, you'll get breaks in between contractions, it's not constant like, say, bad period pain or a broken bone.

As other have said, hypnobirthing is great. If you only take one antenatal class, I'd recommend you do that over all other options.

... and I forgot to say, don't listen to the horror stories! Everyone hears about and remembers the worst stories (partly because they make for a 'good'/dramatic story).

I was convinced that giving birth would be awful because of what I'd heard from other people. Then I did a hypnobirthing course, which dispelled the 'giving birth is awful' idea and empowered me to see it as a normal and natural bodily function.

I have two children. I gave birth to my first baby in the pool in a midwife led unit, having laboured mostly at home (I was 9 cm dilated when I got to the unit). I gave birth to my second baby in the pool at home and the midwives were only with me for an hour or so before I gave birth as I was handling the labour and contractions so well I didn't think it was time to call them (until I started to feel like I needed to push)! I used gas and air both times towards the end but that was all I felt I needed and if push came to shove I probably would have been fine without it (particularly with my second birth, I actually experienced a feeling of intense discomfort and an intense pushing sensation than 'pain', I think because I knew what to expect and was less worried). If I had a third, I'd choose another home birth again as I know I can handle labour well on my own.

Obviously all of this is subjective... but I thought I'd mention the above so that you know that giving birth (for many women) isn't automatically a horror story or excruciating agony. My birth stories are boring and uninteresting which is generally the norm for childbirth!

I was 21 when I got pregnant OP, 22 when I gave birth. Always said how petrified I am to give birth. I was so scared to start trying and it put me off for ages. When I got the positive test I was just filled with dread for ages.

Then one day, a few months into the pregnancy I woke up and thought “fuck it, what goes in mist come out. Plenty of people are worse than tolerating pain have been through this and came out the other side, most of them to have more children”

I don’t know what it was but something just clicked and I wasn’t in the slightest bit scared anymore. You still know it’s likely to be painful; but it doesn’t scare you; you’re nervous but way more excited.

If you and your partner want children and the fear of childbirth is the only thing holding you back; go for it. You’ll be grand!

Also, to mimic above comments; I also started to realise that people with good birth stories are less interested to shout them from the rooftops, and people generally are less interested to listen too. - so I figure, we only hear about the bad things because everyone like the drama of a bad birth and the stigma of “oh my god never again!”

Please don't be scared op. I had my first child ds a little over 3 years now. Spent most of my labour at home then went to hospital and gave birth in the pool, less than half an hour pushing, zero pain relief for the pushing stage (before that I had gas and air for a couple of hours) and he was nearly 9 pounds! I felt absolutely amazing afterwards. I'll be doing it again next year with baby number 2. Good luck

Haven’t read the other comments yet but congratulations! I know you’ll be terrified now but you have ages to get used to being pregnant. As for the birth part…

I’ve spent my whole life terrified of giving birth. I just couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to experience a human head coming out of there and couldn’t even fathom how much that must hurt 😳 I mean, every time someone has a baby and you go round to visit it you’re given the horror story of how awful the whole thing was. I was so certain I couldn’t do it that I’d basically decided I just wouldn’t have kids to avoid that part. I was certain I’d die if I attempted it and how could pregnant people just calmly walk about for 9 months knowing this was coming at any moment?! I then started to consider it again if the option of a c-section was there but was also sure I’d die during that after reading the risks 😂 I think the issue was I knew I really really wanted a child but just didn’t know how I could get one here, still be in one piece and not have gone through utter oblivion to get there 🙈

Well I took my brave pills, told myself I’d get a section approved (even though I had no way of knowing that) got pregnant and was delighted for about 3 seconds then thought OH SHIT WHAT IF I GO INTO LABOUR 🤣 At 6 weeks I spoke to the midwife for the first time and I wondered whether I should mention the birth in that phone call since it was so far away or if that was a bit ridiculous. All was going well and I was acting like a normal rational-thinking person til she told me I’d be on green pathway then proceeded to tell me I’d be giving birth in the birth centre at my local hospital. Obviously I couldn’t just politely say yes to this 🤣 So I then had to go into chapter and verse of my long story of how I’d only convinced myself to get to this point if I was able to have a nice controlled section and I wouldn’t die 🙈 She palmed it off saying everyone’s scared but I’d be fine about the birth nearer the time. Eh… I wasn’t 😂 Between each appointment I’d do more research and come back every time asking if I was able to speak to a consultant yet. Eventually at 29 weeks I got a consultant appointment and after trying to tell me a baby would basically just fall out pain-free if I gave birth vaginally but would cause me severe trauma (if not death) if I went for the section, she agreed to book my section. I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders for the first time since being pregnant. I’d built myself up SO much around that decision and I don’t think they had any idea the severity of how much it controlled my life til I knew it would be okay and I could have one. Obviously, for the next 10 weeks I was then walking on egg shells terrified I went into labour before making it to my section date. It wasn’t until 39+4 so they were cutting it quite fine but I made it 🎉 Also, spoiler alert.. I didn’t die! Not only that, it was actually GOOD! After spending pretty much every day since I was about 16 thinking I’d never have a child suddenly I had been handed one after the most lovely controlled procedure ever. The recovery was completely fine too!

In the end I decided not to tell anyone I was having a c-section because I just didn’t want to have to justify myself to yet another person, in addition to the midwives and consultant. Someone at work asked quite early on and I happened to mention that would be how I’d give birth and she said in the most disappointed tone possible ‘aww nooo, you’ll regret it! I was scared too but it was fine’. Obviously she was trying to be reassuring in some way but when you’re already so anxious about giving birth, having someone else putting their opinions onto you about how you’ll feel after it is just the last thing you need 🤦🏼‍♀️ After that I didn’t tell anyone again and I sort of want to go back into work now just to tell her to shove her opinion because I sooo don’t regret it one bit. Best decision ever 🎉

Everyone saying they were scared too are just trying to reassure you because they’ve came out the other side but I think at times that can sort of disregard how you’re actually feeling. If you’re as worried as I was the further into it you go, definitely look into your options because it doesn’t have to be some traumatic experience (whether you go for either a vaginal or c-section birth).

Good luck, hope your experience of pregnancy and birth is as drama-free as mine was ☺️

@sarah13xx haha gosh that's quite the story!! Thank you for the comment though made me feel much better. To be honest I feel much better all ready and I spoke to my midwife who was great at reassuring me too.

Fingers crossed for 8 months time 🥴🥴🤣 xxx

I also hated needles but strangely you get used to them during pregnancy. You could let your midwife know about your needle fear and ask for numbing cream. Before they put the epidural in they numb the area with local anaesthetic so you don’t feel the pain of the epidural needle. The fear of something is always worse than what it actually is/ good luck!

It does get easier when you get to the end of pregnancy. Your brain shifts to think let's get the baby out rather than focusing on what childbirth involves. How you're feeling is completely natural and it will pass x

Thanks guys, we had an early scan last Sunday and since then it's like I've forgotten about birth and just want to see my baby 😅 I'm sure that'll change but I've looking into hypnotherapy and I'm preparing myself already!
I'm actually exited 🥰🥰

I ended up with a C-section but early labour and the contractions after birth were honestly no worse than a bad period. I wouldn't let fear of childbirth put you off.

@ccbt98

Thanks guys, we had an early scan last Sunday and since then it's like I've forgotten about birth and just want to see my baby 😅 I'm sure that'll change but I've looking into hypnotherapy and I'm preparing myself already! I'm actually exited 🥰🥰

Oooh sorry I hadn't seen your update! That all sounds promising, best of luck with everything